That this is a reasonable request and I don’t deserve to be told to fuck off

[Berriesareexpensive]

I have 3 dc. 20, 16, 13 plus me and dp

I do 2 food shops a week and meal plan. Without fail twice a week the older 2 dc will see the shopping arrive and eat as much as they can, if I’ve got 3 of something one of them will have 2. Time and time again 13 y o ds goes without

I’ve come in today from work and older 2 have eaten all the strawberries that only arrived this morning (3 punnets). I’ve spoken to them both and been told to fuck off! Why do they insist on eating more of their share every time knowing that one person will then go without ?

I can’t just buy more as I’m trying to budget and this is really irritating me

I’m torn between YABU and YANBU as I think you’re being unreasonable by allowing them to speak to you like that. The youngest will eventually take the example of these two. Don’t put up with it!!

Op I would calmly sit down with your 20 year old and go through the interview process. I would say look, it’s vital that you get a job let’s look at possible questions you will get asked and think of responses. I would then go through what they wear to interview. If she trys to resist get firm, no Lara, you can’t shrug this off. You need a job as you absolutely must start contributing to the household bills. Dad and I are not going to support you any longer, you cannot live here without contributing. I’m also not going to tolerate your attitude any longer so the choice is yours. Now, what questions were you asked at your last interview?
All my dcs had jobs before they became 20, even when at uni. They could not live in my house without contributing. It has served them all very well.
I do remember a time when someone drank a can of pop I had saved. It only ever happened once, never again. It wasn’t worth the roasting they received from me.

How can the conversation be about her moving out if she has no job and no money and nowhere to go?
you need to restrict other privileges due to the total lack of respect and put a lock on the fridge. Better still get a second fridge in garage? Spare room? With a lock on for all treats and just leave what they can help themselves to in the fridge. It’s sad that you accept quite causally that they swore at you.

Two older ones are ‘his’ kids and the younger one ‘yours’ with him?

If my 20 year old told me to fuck off he'd be looking for somewhere to live, the sixteen year old would not get a penny out of me and have to look for a job. I wouldn't take that shit from any snotty nosed kid.

So the 20 year old and the 16 year old have told you to fuck off?

I would suggest the 20 year old gets his/her own food or, preferably moves out, and I would put any special treats like strawberries in a place that they can't get to.

Their behaviour is outrageous.

Really shitty behaviour. Who the hell do they think they are? I'd simply stop buying them anything. Horrible.

My teens guzzle everything in sight too within a day of purchase. I tell them to reign it in. I also hide food from them so that I can make sure I can space out what we have.

I would have been decimated had I said even Bugger off to my parents. Time for the 20yr old to be out of the door and for the middle treasure to learn the painful consequences of ingratitude and disrespect.

No way would I stand for them telling me to fuck off!
mid be tempted to put a lock on the kitchen. Give them bottles of water in their rooms, and tell them if they’re going to act like animals they’ll be locked out of the kitchen so they can’t steal food that isn’t theirs!
you’re children are very disrespectful and need to move out and learn the value of money!!

Also doesn't address the attitude problem but to protect the food, maybe something like this?

Refrigerator Lock Combination, Child Proof Fridge Lock Combo, Freezer Lock Child Proof - Take Care of Your Family with Fridge Locks for Kids by Strongholden - No Keys Needed (Black & Square) a.co/d/8BGIp2j

actions have consequences. Them using the F word to you should have a punishment and your dp should back you up on it. Maybe make sure you are at home when delivery arrives or buy little and often. Hiding things in garage might work - come the colder weather and strawberries etc. will last well in there.

Applies for loads of jobs , seems happy when she gets an interview, then the day comes around and she is suddenly unenthusiastic, says she may not go, goes but is either later , unprepared or basically a mess and hasn’t been offered any job

That does sound like she cannot be bothered. Give her an ultimatum. She has a month to get a job. If she's on benefits then she pays to replace the stolen food.

My now 30 year old go a job at 18 as a delivery drivers mate. TBH the money was 💩 💩 but it was his money. He worked hard and got promoted. He is now an area operations manager (not 100% on the title but he oversees transport managers at 4 different sites). You have to start somewhere.

Relationships with adult female children, either step children or own, can be fraught especially when they are physically, but not emotionally adult. Swearing is a common reaction. I have adult step children, who, when I met them (ages 18 to 25) used to regularly swear and thought nothing of it. I was appalled and thought they were very rude and disrespectful. But as a non parent at that point I knew that if I mentioned it they would just keep on doing it for effect. And that's what it mostly is, teenage rebellion and a way to annoy your parents. They will change when they have their own potty mouthed little darlings. If you have been careful not to swear in front of them and make it clear that such language is not acceptable, the issue of swearing should resolve with time.

Your more pressing issue is your eldest child who is without a job or course of action in life. Being without a job and without any clear sense of direction is not a good place. Perhaps they are depressed about this and can't express how they feel, hence the swearing and the eating of food. Regardless of this there needs to be change for the benefit of your family. They need to take a risk and get a little more self esteem. It might be baby steps, such as being asked to help out by someone outside the family in a paid or non paid capacity.
An opportunity to take part in something which boosts their self esteem.

But whatever it is, there needs to be a reset on their direction of travel
Other posters have advised you on how to act here and some have made very positive and sensible suggestions such as volunteering, etc. Definitely a change of scene would probably help and enable them to experience coping on their own. Having to buy your own food and toilet paper brings a new respect for the person paying the bills.

Also going out and finding out how the world works and how other people show respect to their family will bring their own behaviour into perspective. A change of continent helps as at that distance you have to stand on your own two feet and work out any problems for yourself. Could a gap year (you don't have to be a student to go off travelling) be a possible opportunity to grow up away from home. Do you have any relatives they could go to or friends who have children of a similar age.

Continuing to live with you and two younger children is not helping either their self esteem, or you as parent. It's hard to motivate someone when they are not in a good place and to encourage them to take a risk and experience something new, but you may find something which grabs their interest just for a short time. As many posters have pointed out such behaviour as you described would have had them chucked out of the home as completely disrespectful. However it is up to you to decide what is the best course of action here as you have to live with the immature behaviour and all its consequences. Young people change a great deal between the ages of 20 and 30, so don't give up hope just yet.

20 year old is old enough to have a job and feed themselves, if it is them that told you to F off, I think I would be saying "You F off out of my home if you're going to speak to me that way" ... completely disrespectful.

Sounds like DH needs to create an area where the food can be locked up so they can ask for food in future.

That way you can limit what they're allowed access to ... and while you are at it, start charging 20 year old rent if you're not already.

You should raise your bar if you’d be ok with your kids speaking to you like that. Parenting so poor is not the cool thing you think it is and certainly nothing to boast about.

And get their posts deleted for personal attacks. What's your point?

If I'd ever told my mum to fuck off (regardless of what age I was) I'd have been ejected out the front door with her foot up my arse! Honestly? I'd be telling your 20 year old to move out. If they protest, tell them you'll not be told to fuck off in your own home, there's the front door, you're welcome to fuck off yourself!

I'm astonished by people who seem to think children swearing at their mum is acceptable, ever. I never swore at my mam or dad and no one had to tell me not to. I knew, from how I was brought up and how people in my family and wider family and my friends families spoke to each other. I never heard my parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents swear at each other. I'm not saying my friends and I didn't swear as teenagers in conversation with each other but never to parents. We knew what was appropriate, where and when.

I wonder what some people allow in their houses as 'normal'.

DH and I never swear at each other in front of our DC and never nastily/offensively in private although we do swear in conversation when it's just us. He would never swear at his parents, grandma- and he was difficult at times as a teenager and young adult and did cause them angst.

Doesn't sound like there is much respect in OPs house- boundaries not in the right place and that's a long-term issue. It's not just about who eats all the crisps.

Poor parenting is a huge issue in our society- it's responsible for so many of the challenges we face and young people face.

Bit late to worry about it now. Their attitude towards you and household in general suggests you should have instilled respect and good manners years ago.

I couldn’t get worked up over some strawberries- kids that age eat lots don’t they?

just go to Aldi and spend £10 on fruit you’ll have heaps!

I feel your pain . I am trying to get my 19 year old to buy the food / do the on line shop so that they get it. This is having some success - not perfect but better

Your house. Your rules. If they can't share fairly then perhaps it's time they started paying rent...

Your 20y/o sounds like they have ADHD which can make it difficult to find a job.

Your DP needs to back you up or stop being your DP.

Me too. Rude, arrogant mummies boy

Id hit the roof for starters at being told to fuck off by two eldest.
They are setting examples for the youngest.
Strawberries and rest of food, me personally would start shopping daily and eat and cook share out to all to stop this.
I hope your 20 year old is paying board, id also ask him him for anything over what you feed him he buys himself and shares.