That this is a reasonable request and I don’t deserve to be told to fuck off

[Berriesareexpensive]

I have 3 dc. 20, 16, 13 plus me and dp

I do 2 food shops a week and meal plan. Without fail twice a week the older 2 dc will see the shopping arrive and eat as much as they can, if I’ve got 3 of something one of them will have 2. Time and time again 13 y o ds goes without

I’ve come in today from work and older 2 have eaten all the strawberries that only arrived this morning (3 punnets). I’ve spoken to them both and been told to fuck off! Why do they insist on eating more of their share every time knowing that one person will then go without ?

I can’t just buy more as I’m trying to budget and this is really irritating me

I don't want to derail the op's thread. I'm autistic and he sees me as emotional and needy and will little social value. If I try to set any rules I get loads of being talked at about how I'm wrong, or 'I don't want to speak with you/why are you still talking/etc'. It's awful. I've lost all respect or self worth.

Your child tells you to F off and you’re focused on the strawberries?

If any of mine spoke to me like that there would be padlocks on every single cupboard and they would have to ask for every single thing they ate.

No I was explaining why it was said not that I think the strawberries matter more !

Oh both were perfect at school, they seem to know how to behave and be polite to anyone outside the home which makes it worse

I obviously never said fuck off to my parents cos had I, I wouldn't be here commenting now!

I think tbh it will be the conversation asking eldest to move out

I think tbh it will be the conversation telling eldest to move out - fixed it for you 😉

Yes you’re right 😂

You really need to be firm and come down hard on this, especially with the 20yr old because your 16yr old will be watching and if you aren't careful you will have 2 of them telling you to fuck off in your own home and eventually worse.

Ok, this might be significant. What's the situation with the job hunt and what makes you think she isn't really trying?

Realistically you cannot just tell your eldest to move out if they have no job - where will they go? Are you willing to make them homeless? I’m not at all saying you’re in the wrong, they’re treating you and their youngest sibling like crap and that’s not ok. But if they’re not willing to get a job they have no access to getting a home of their own so if you’re telling them to leave you must be willing to make them homeless (after a certain amount of time that you set to enable them to get a job and save a deposit) for them to take you seriously. It sounds like an incredibly tough situation and you have my sympathies

Why did you explain to a 20 years old that "taking all the food is not fair". It seems like you are babying her. Why are you even buying her food? Obviously she is not gonna try to get a job if she can just bum at home all day and eat all the food without consequence (since it wasn't the first time).

And the fact that you even have to ask if you should accept being told to fuck off tells me you did not end up in this situation of total disrespect overnight, did you?

My perspective on adult kids is that you are an adult now and we have a relationship as adults. You are entitled to come and go as you please. You're still my child, so I'll help you get started out, as much as possible.

However.

My moral (and legal) obligation now is to my minor children. You are no longer a minor. You are an adult. You can go out and earn a living. They can't. So my obligation is to provide them with the essentials.

If your needs conflict with their needs, I have to provide for their needs.

This situation does not rise to the level of needs. Your adult child just wants to be greedy with the strawberries and is using their adult status as a way to, basically, bully their sibling.

I take a dim view of adults letting a child go without, so they themselves can be greedy. Even if they are adults who are my offspring.

The 16 year old is a bit different. You still have to support them. However they have to be respectful of the 13year old's right to be cared for and of your right, as the provider, to ensure the resources are distributed fairly amongst the minors for whom you are responsible.

So I would deal with the two older kids differently, based on the two moral dilemmas they are confronting.

Both were perfectly behaved at school but tended to be grumpy and bad tempered after and at weekends and frequently told me they hated the school (too pushy too much work etc etc) . Always had good parents evenings and both did well academically but they can be obnoxious

Sorry OP but your two daughters are aggressive little bullies and for their own good you can’t let them behave like that.

They are literally stealing food from their younger brother and challenging you aggressively to get you to back down about it. Nasty nasty behaviour.

I’d tell the 20 year old to pack her bags. She can sofa surf with friends or get herself a shitty room in a shared house and buy her own basic food supplies if she can’t be bothered to look for a job and wants to be financed by benefits. I can guarantee that will be the wake up call she needs!

The 16 year old needs to have any allowance stopped to pay for the food she is stealing and if she was the one who actually told you to fuck off, there need to be explicit consequences for that too. You basically need to demand respect and make it very clear to her that she cannot bully you and you will not stand for it. This isn’t one for her dad to deal with - the comment was made to you and therefore you need to deal with it. Though dad does need to be on board with asking the 20 year old to leave.

You need to sit down and say that their behaviour was extremely out of order and rude. You are working hard to provide for the family and costs are high.
They need to get real.
That you will provide 3 meals only , any snacks or extras will be bought by them. This might give them incentive to get a job. They will not starve . They cannot access food , you will allocate it and they will respect that as you are the one budgeting. If you say they can have something then fine , but otherwise they ask, and if you say no then they must respect that.

Heaven help us, I would never have put up with that kind of language or behaviour from my dcs!

If you’ve brought them up to think it’s allowed, I’m sorry, but you have only yourself to blame.
A bit late now, but time to get tough! For a start I think I’d drop the little sods’ phones in the nearest pond, or down the loo if you don’t have a handy pond, and refuse to shell out for replacements - but then I have an inner fiend who admittedly does take quite a bit of rousing. 😈

I was perfect at school, but "fuck off" was the least of it at home.

In my case - and I'm absolutely not saying OP must be the same - home was not a haven of peace and security, although nobody would have believed it. They certainly wouldn't have ever suspected at school.

The behaviour is obviously not acceptable, but it is coming from somewhere, and in a 20 year old it's unlikely to be a new situation. So while I know it's much easier and more appealing to complain about attitude and kicking kids out and all that (maybe we even have some of the "bash them around a bit, that's how you teach manners" troglodytes here, they're on the site), it's really much better to try to figure out what the source is. It's clearly not about strawberries.

Consequences, there needs to be consequences for behaviour as you've outlined it. No ifs no buts no giving in to them (I guess there has been a lot of that in the past) . You first need to get their attention, I'm attracted to the suggestion that you disable their communications by excluding them from Wi-Fi, other stuff should follow until they fall into line with what you and your partner deem as acceptable behaviour. It won't be easy or hassle free but it's absolutely essentia or this will get a lot worse, and the younger boy will join in. If I can be brutally frank you have to get a grip there are no easy answers!!

With an attitude like that, your 20-yr old deserves to be kicked out of the family home; he's an adult so is of an age where he should be able to look after himself and that includes buying his own food. As for the 16-yr old, make him aware that if he contiinues to behave like this he'll be kicked oiut of the family home as soon as he's old enough also.
uch behaviour from your children is totally unacceptable, whatever their ages; your house so it;s your rules and if they don't like it they can get out as soon as they're old enough!

Applies for loads of jobs , seems happy when she gets an interview, then the day comes around and she is suddenly unenthusiastic, says she may not go, goes but is either later , unprepared or basically a mess and hasn’t been offered any job

There needs to be consequences. And a fridge cage or two too.