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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this is a reasonable request and I don’t deserve to be told to fuck off

281 replies

Berriesareexpensive · 16/09/2023 15:51

I have 3 dc. 20, 16, 13 plus me and dp

I do 2 food shops a week and meal plan. Without fail twice a week the older 2 dc will see the shopping arrive and eat as much as they can, if I’ve got 3 of something one of them will have 2. Time and time again 13 y o ds goes without

I’ve come in today from work and older 2 have eaten all the strawberries that only arrived this morning (3 punnets). I’ve spoken to them both and been told to fuck off! Why do they insist on eating more of their share every time knowing that one person will then go without ?

I can’t just buy more as I’m trying to budget and this is really irritating me

OP posts:
Tribblesarelovely · 16/09/2023 18:22

Why are you and your husband allowing your kids to swear at you ?

boomtickhouse · 16/09/2023 18:23

muddyford · 16/09/2023 16:26

I wouldn't be spoken to, in my house, by anyone like that. Show 20 year old the door and tell the 16 year old that either he improves his attitude or he'll be joining him. Take the router to bed and keep nice food under lock and key.

This. I'd be mortified my parenting had gone so wrong.

Zanatdy · 16/09/2023 18:23

If any of my teens told me to fuck off there would be serious trouble. As in withdrawal of mother services that they rely on. I’m a very relaxed parent, they know they could tell me they’d committed a crime and I’d calmly deal with it, unlike my ex who would have a fit first and think later. But I’ve always big on respecting me, and I know neither would tell me to fuck off as this started years earlier when they were very young. But if they did then they’d be washing their own clothes, buying their own shopping, and so on.

muchalover · 16/09/2023 18:24

Take a bit of time and plan. The consequences to your eldest will demonstrate to the younger ones your expectations going forward for them.

Your eldest child needs to contributing to the family. If not financially then in kind but ideally both. Cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping etc. They need to offset the cost to your finances.

Raise your bar. Your children are adults or approaching adulthood. They are behaving like babies but, they didn't create the environment your and your partner did.

Admit you made a mistake and inform them of changes. They need adult skills of budgeting, cooking, cleaning. They should ALL be doing their own laundry. Each should cook a meal weekly. Everyone cleans. This offsets their cost too.

You are raising adults not raising children. Don't engage with toddler tantrums that will follow. Just ignore.

OddlyFramed · 16/09/2023 18:26

Sit them down and tell them they either contribute 1/5 of the shopping bill and only eat what they are offered, or they buy their own food. This is either option until they move out on X date.

scoobydoo1971 · 16/09/2023 18:28

My 15 year old told me to f-off this week. The consequences were (i) if I hear that again, I will chuck your stuff in a bag and drive you to your fathers house for permanent relocation, (ii) his playstation is locked in my car boot for a week, (iii) his house chores have increased, (iv) he was banned from his sports club for a week. Get a lock on the food cabinet, hide some food for youngest, and give eldest an ultimatum to get a job or leave.

Bearbookagainandagain · 16/09/2023 18:29

Berriesareexpensive · 16/09/2023 17:35

Applies for loads of jobs , seems happy when she gets an interview, then the day comes around and she is suddenly unenthusiastic, says she may not go, goes but is either later , unprepared or basically a mess and hasn’t been offered any job

Show quote history

Sounds to me like she is scared of the interview process, and/or might not know what she wants to do (if she is applying to "lots" of jobs).
Some coaching might be helpful, or practice interviews with some your/you DH friends? (People with managing position if possible).

Buildingthefuture · 16/09/2023 18:31

I’m old now, but I can well imagine how utterly, utterly batshit my mother would have gone if I had dared to speak to her like that. Has the 20 yr old ever had a job? And if not, why not? And who is paying for her now if she isn’t working? She’s living in your house, but her phone, clothes, going out etc? If that’s you op, stop now. She may well have anxiety but that is no excuse for behaving like such an entitled, unpleasant, spoilt madam. She needs a real lesson in how life works. She’s 20 not 12 and she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. She will bitch and moan and cry it’s “not fair” but forcing her to stand on her own two feet is one of the best things you will ever do for her. And the 16yr old!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 16/09/2023 18:39

Darkdiamond · 16/09/2023 18:07

The daughter may well have crippling anxieties about the world of work, but that doesn't take away from the fact she told her mother to f off when asked not to eat her brother's food!

I actually had a lot of anxieties about getting a job and had absolutely zero confidence At that age. I lived at home with my parents until I was 26 and went to university as a mature student. I couldn't look people in the eye and my self esteem was on the floor. I literally couldn't work in any job which required having any kind of interactions with people. When I say I had no confidence, I mean it!

I figured it out and now have an incredibly demanding, front facing, professional role but at no point did I ever swear at my mother while we lived together. I knew the consequence and I did what I could to make sure that I didn't have to go into the real world and fend for myself! Living at home was a safety net for me while I figured everything out and I knew it. I wasn't going to jeopardise it for anything!

Show quote history

Of course it's not acceptable to tell her mother to fuck off. If I thought it were, I wouldn't be interested in finding out why she's doing it.

But the answer isn't some caveman response of just kicking her out while she's jobless. Clearly there's something going on here.

The rest of your post is very self-congratulatory but really utterly irrelevant.

rainbowunicorn · 16/09/2023 18:45

Sleepo · 16/09/2023 15:56

Bloody hell, I’d hit the roof if my 17yo acted like this. No you are definitely not being unreasonable!

20yo should move out if he can’t behave with more consideration.

Why are you assuming that it is a male ?

rainbowunicorn · 16/09/2023 18:47

Pheasantplucker2 · 16/09/2023 16:09

  1. Get a couple of fridge and cupboard locks. Have a cupboard for all non-perishable treats and lock your fridge - you can buy two for under a tenner
  2. Tell your 20 year old that he needs to apologise, start paying his own way (does he pay rent) and buying his own food, and if it happens again he will be moving out
  3. Tell your 16 year old that he needs to apologise, punishment needs to be removal of some privilege he holds dear- phone, electronic device etc, and he is on basic rations until he learns to share. Toast, pasta, portion of fruit that you will dole out and basic protein and veg.

2pcs Refrigerator Door Locks with Keys, Self Adhesive Freezer Lock Child Proof Window Door Locks Child Safety Locks for Cabinet Cupboard Drawer Kitchen (Oval Shape) : Amazon.co.uk: Baby Products

You need to take charge here. It sounds like it might be the tip of a much bigger problem, as no way would my children get away with speaking to me like that, and they are autistic and struggle with self regulation around food. I create packs of treat foods for each child (also teenagers) for the week and have to lock everything else away, otherwise one will just eat it all, so I do know have some experience of this. The difference is that he apologises and we have agreed the above strategies together so everyone gets their fair share.

Where did the OP say that the older children are male, why are you assuming this?

rainbowunicorn · 16/09/2023 18:48

LuckyAmy1986 · 16/09/2023 16:16

Wow. You don't deserve to be spoken to like this by anyone, let alone your sons. How disgusting.

I think it is disgusting that you assume that the offenders are male. Why did you do that?

ihadamarveloustime · 16/09/2023 18:50

Berriesareexpensive · 16/09/2023 17:35

Applies for loads of jobs , seems happy when she gets an interview, then the day comes around and she is suddenly unenthusiastic, says she may not go, goes but is either later , unprepared or basically a mess and hasn’t been offered any job

Show quote history

Point this out to her in your conversation this evening.

Have a list of 'rooms to let' available and hand it to her. Tell her that's where she'll be moving as she wont be remaining in your home with her shitty attitude and treatment of you. She's 20 and doing nothing useful with her life. She can make that choice, but you're done supporting it.

rainbowunicorn · 16/09/2023 18:51

muddyford · 16/09/2023 16:26

I wouldn't be spoken to, in my house, by anyone like that. Show 20 year old the door and tell the 16 year old that either he improves his attitude or he'll be joining him. Take the router to bed and keep nice food under lock and key.

yet another automatically assuming that the older kids are male. It really isn't very nice to see people constantly make these assumptions every time a thread about poor behaviour comes up.

BeverForget · 16/09/2023 18:51

The 20yr is an adult, not a child.
Should be out on their ear if they can't respect the household.

Incywincywoo · 16/09/2023 18:51

If your daughter is unable to get a job then she should be on job seekers and contributing to the food costs.

Tell her this. Say you’ll allow her free rent but she’ll have to pay towards utilities and food from now on as she is an adult.

If she continues to take more than her fair share then she will have separate fridge/cupboard space, be wholly responsible for the costs of her own food and be responsible for her own cooking akin to a house share.

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 16/09/2023 18:53

Jesus Christ your kids told you - their MOTHER to fuck off?!?!
I answered my parents back (without swearing) once aged 16 and was kicked out! Ended up in a homeless hostel. God knows what would've happened if I'd sworn at them!

gamerchick · 16/09/2023 18:54

I think you're missing the point OP. If any of my kids told me to fuck off there would be fire and brimstone swirling around them.

Time the eldest moved out. Time to get locks so your youngest gets a look in and the gannets can't locust through the kitchen.

rainbowunicorn · 16/09/2023 18:54

cobden28 · 16/09/2023 17:35

With an attitude like that, your 20-yr old deserves to be kicked out of the family home; he's an adult so is of an age where he should be able to look after himself and that includes buying his own food. As for the 16-yr old, make him aware that if he contiinues to behave like this he'll be kicked oiut of the family home as soon as he's old enough also.
uch behaviour from your children is totally unacceptable, whatever their ages; your house so it;s your rules and if they don't like it they can get out as soon as they're old enough!

The OP does not have a male 20 year old or a male 16 year old in her home. Why are you assuming that she does?

RockGirl · 16/09/2023 18:57

You need to stop paying for anything, no pocket money, no phone etc. They'll soon gain enthusiasm for earning some money.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 16/09/2023 18:57

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 16/09/2023 18:53

Jesus Christ your kids told you - their MOTHER to fuck off?!?!
I answered my parents back (without swearing) once aged 16 and was kicked out! Ended up in a homeless hostel. God knows what would've happened if I'd sworn at them!

I'm sorry you had such shit parents.

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 16/09/2023 18:59

@Desecratedcoconut @YourNameGoesHere I noticed that re: the tone changing! No wonder some people change these details or don't declare sexes

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 16/09/2023 19:02

@SurprisedWithAHorse Not so much shit just of an older generation than most parents at that time. They were raised during the war when you were considered very much an adult by age 14/15. Let alone 16! Thankfully the law has changed since this happened. Back in 2001, you were considered an adult at 16. Hence why I was given a place in the homeless hostel.

AprQ · 16/09/2023 19:16

Sigmama · 16/09/2023 15:59

Why are your kids swearing at you

This is a great question. I was thinking the same thing. There’s literally no situation I can think of where your children should be swearing at you. I’m 24 and I’ve never sworn in front of my mum let alone towards her

SurprisedWithAHorse · 16/09/2023 19:18

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 16/09/2023 19:02

@SurprisedWithAHorse Not so much shit just of an older generation than most parents at that time. They were raised during the war when you were considered very much an adult by age 14/15. Let alone 16! Thankfully the law has changed since this happened. Back in 2001, you were considered an adult at 16. Hence why I was given a place in the homeless hostel.

You don't make your kids homeless because you didn't get the last word in an argument, which is what "answering back" amounts to. It was shit in 2001 (not that long ago) and it's shit now.