AIBU to flex the truth on how long we've been trying

[mariannaf]

The older you get the longer, on average, for the average person, it should take to conceive, right? So why is it that couples over 35 have to wait a shorter amount of time before the docs will seriously consider helping them?

Let's say 2 couples have been trying for 6 months. One couple is 40 years old and the other is 25 years old. At 25yrs the average couple who are healthy would (probably) conceive before 6months and the fact that they haven't might indicate that there's an issue. Whereas at 40 the average may be above 6 months, and certainly longer average time at 40 than at 25, so the fact they haven't might mean they haven't been trying long enough. So why would the docs be willing to help the 40y.o but not 25y.o?

The reason I'm asking all this - we've been trying 5mo and so far no luck. We would be going via the private route anyway whether we go after 12 months or now, so is it worth flexing the truth a little and going to a private fertility clinic already for IVF or other treatments? I feel like even at private clinics, when we are happy to pay and not use NHS funds, they would stick with the 6mo vs 12mo rule because it is policy. We are 29 (me) and 34 (him). We've done sperm testing - he has borderline low sperm motility (29%) and borderline low sperm morphology (3%). We've also checked my uterus, fallopian tubes, done hormone testing on me - all fine. He is taking supplements

The age of the woman impacts fertility.

Make sure you're both taking supplements, eating a good diet balanced no drinking or smoking.

You've had test to rule out loads of things. Which is good.

Fertility treatment is really hard. It took 7 years for me to have my first. I started with cycles of clomid and then icsi. I was all very traumatic, invasive and expensive. I had 2 fresh cycles and 5 frozen cycles. I lost 2 sets of twins in the process. My eldest was my last frozen embryo. We decided no more treatment after that one. I was on the verge of a breakdown. My relationship was on a knife edge because it puts you under tremendous pressure as couple. I spent my whole pregnancy on edge. I suffered anxiety when my DC was born. Even though I have DC the trauma doesn't disappear. I fell pregnant with my second by accident 9 months after having the first. In all honesty I was very single minded and focused on the end goal but it nearly killed me. If you can avoid fertility treatment I would. Its not an easy option and should really be taken as a last resort.

The thoughts on finding another project are very true to my experience - being told not to worry or to 'just relax and don't stress out' when we were trying made me want to punch someone. If stopping worrying were an option don't you think I'd have tried that?! The best I could do was find another thing to worry about instead - for me that was a house move...

Likewise advice to stop tracking/trying and just have plenty of sex - I'm not going to be able to forget where I am in my cycle, I'm not going to be able to ignore symptoms I feel or don't feel without something big to distract me, and I'm really interested by the people who are able to do these things - how?! Can you genuinely just shut off a section of your mind on command?

Easier said than done but you also need to think about the pregnancy itself. It's not just harder to conceive via IVF but it has an increased risk of various serious complications in pregnancy. If you have any way to avoid all that then I would. It still probably hasn't even been enough time to see the full benefits of your DH's lifestyle changes.

@Calmdown14 pull out method since 2020, and then we stopped pulling out when we started trying for a baby

If you want to go to a private clinic and lie about how long you've been trying and pay for what is likely to be unnecessary IVF, go for it. It'll be invasive and heart wrenching and I guarantee it will make your anxiety around conceiving 10x worse. That said, it seems you like to be able to control things, and IVF is incredibly controlled.

My feeling is you're not being wholly truthful and might be thinking about lying to the NHS because you're worried about wait times... in which case, I urge you to think of all the couples to abide by the rules whose place you might be taking.

It took us 12 months to conceive the baby I’m currently holding. We were waiting for my period to arrive so we could book a GP appointment, and then I got a positive test.

I know it feels impossible to relax about it. I remember thinking that if I knew I would get pregnant eventually, I wouldn’t have cared how long it took. But the not knowing whether it would happen for us was so hard, especially as we both have health issues that can sometimes affect fertility. I was terrified that we were ‘wasting’ a year and then would have to do fertility treatment anyway (we’d already delayed TTC because of covid).

The month we conceived, we’d given up, and resigned ourselves to the ‘fact’ that something was wrong. We were also busy with my brother’s wedding. So for the first time in months, we weren’t thinking or worrying about TTC.

In your situation, I’d stop tracking ovulation. If you’re having sex every other day anyway, it’s really irrelevant when you ovulate. And at this point you presumably know that you do ovulate, and if you’re regular, roughly when. So all it’s doing now for you is forcing you to think about TTC constantly through the day. If you’re doing BBT, then it has to be the very first thing you think about in the morning. And test strips mean you have to think about it again once or twice, but also that you’re timing when you go to the loo, what you’re drinking etc. through the day. That’s not going to be helping your stress levels. If you’re like me you may also find that not knowing exactly when you ovulated pushes back the silly symptom spotting by at least a few days, so that’s one less thing to think about. Come off the Mumsnet TTC board, make sure your apps aren’t on your main phone home screen. Do anything you can to keep your mind off it.

It took me an my fiancé 8 months to conceive my son. 5 months is reasonable so far.

5 months isn’t very long. I would give it more time.

Going the fertility treatment route isn’t to be taken lightly. It can be a long snd traumatic process and it’s very hard on your body, not to mention the psychological aspect.

@queenatom @Incognito2023 I've tried to find a 'project' so that I had something else to worry about - went to see my parents and helped to decorate their house (they've just moved), holiday with DH, started helping my friend out with her jewellery making business... but throughout it all I just think about TTC. I can't help it unfortunately but nothing comes close in importance

OP low sperm count means sex no more than once a day, which is true for all
men regardless. I had fertility issues and my DH had low sperm count. This was from a leading consultant.

I have been preg 6 times. I conceived after as much as 15 months -1st time, and 1 month the 6th time. I never took clomed, or anything to enhance my chances.

We did what I called the 30 day shred!

Sex every evening from as early after your period finishes as possible, for 30 days (or your period arrives)

Feet up and pelvis tilted for 20mins after sex.

My 1st preg I was 34, last 39

My DH is the same age.

Keep going!

@BananaHammock23 if I wanted to lie to the NHS , I certainly wouldn't hide that fact on MN. I want private maternity care throughout including conceiving, and if I can afford it, then why not

Oh and I was freaking obsessed by about my 4th pregnancy. I couldn’t be in a house with a pregnancy test as I’d randomly pee on it

@Applesaarenttheonlyfruit his sperm count is fine, it's motility and morphology that's now

OP I’m really sorry to hear that you’re taking a bit longer than you’d hoped to conceive. I do have to agree with others than 5 months isn’t that long although understandably when you are hoping for a baby it can be horrible seeing your period arrive every month.

Myself and 3 of my best friends got pregnant around the same time and it took us 1 month to conceive first pregnancy (ended in miscarriage) 3 months to conceive our son.
Friend 1 - 8 months, friend 2 - 13 months and friend 3 - 15 months. We are all in our 20’s.

Yes statistically it can take couples longer the older they are. The reason over 35’s get help quicker is because fertility starts to decline faster and they have less “fertile years”. At 29 years old you have an age advantage. I personally wouldn’t lie and say you’ve been trying longer than 5 months because you could be taking that help away from couples that have really been ttc for 12+ months.

Your feelings are completely valid and you are absolutely within your rights to feel upset after 5 months. But I wouldn’t start lying and going down treatment option routes just yet.

Really hoping you get your positive soon xx

Also completely understand the obsession with getting pregnant. After our loss I was devastated seeing negative tests and I completely obsessed over it to the point all I thought about was ttc. It’s really hard not to think about it.

My DH also had something wrong in that area (was a while ago now), but I think they swam in circles. My point was more the method, which works as it helps build spent up in your system.

YABU. As much as you want it to happen immediately, there really is no rush.

Even with no issues, there's still only about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month; there's a really good video that explains the enormous challenges that a sperm has to overcome to successfully impregnate an egg!

For first DC, I had short cycles so went to the GP for initial tests after about 10 months of trying (but 12 cycles). Before I even got the results, I was pregnant... Second time around, I got pregnant the first month (day) of trying...

The reason it’s 12 months is because that is a completely normal time frame for your age group. The IVF process is horrendous. You would be bonkers to consider this after 5 months of trying.

I agree with PP that you seem to dismissing the importance of a more relaxed approach. I know that isn’t easy when you are already stressing and obsessed over it (I’ve been there). It took me 1 month to conceive DC1 so I assumed the second time would be easy too. I was wrong - it took months and months and I was paranoid that there was something “wrong”. It was the month when I stopped stressing so much about it, around Christmas time when I had more to drink, and I also got really unwell with covid, that I ended up conceiving. Right at a time when I’d stopped thinking or stressing about it as much.

Took us 13 months and 11 months for each child. There's a reason why they say a year! Cause within that time something like 97% will fall pregnant. 5 or 6 months isn't really that long at all.

Has your husband had more than one sperm test? I’m only asking as eg if he had a virus etc in the recent months before, even unknowingly it can impact results.

Secondly, having had multiple rounds of IVF, I think you are crazy to be thinking of it at your age if there’s no other reason to conceive. It’s hideously invasive, the drugs you go on aren’t fun (you basically get put into the menopause, then get stimulated and can get ovarian hyper stimulation). The schedule of visits to the clinic can be gruelling and timetables may have to shift so you’re visiting daily depending upon how you respond for blood tests/ scans etc. And all the time it’s an emotional roller coaster, heightened by the fact your hormones are all over the place. And the rates of failure are high. You also won’t get pregnant naturally whilst being pumped with these hormones. And it’s not quick.

if you have a job and to juggle it with work at the same time it’s even more stressful.

don’t get me wrong it’s AMAZING that iVF is available but it really should be more of a we’ve explored less invasive options first. You’re young. It sounds like you’re doing the right things to help you (tracking, supplements, both of you don’t drink?) - give it a little more time. Plenty of people take more than 5 months to conceive. It’s normal.

as for why older people get offered help quicker? There’s plenty of research available showing that chances lower as you get older plus they have less time 🤷‍♀️

Would YBU to be lying and queue-jumping? Yes

I understand what you're saying about the prescribed times. But it's obviously about giving enough time for intervention.

I think it's best to give it a year.

See chart below.

But there are lots of things you can do to reduce your stress levels. Mindfulness is one way. So is exercise. Acupuncture for one reduces cortisol levels and is used often for supporting fertility.
Other things to do is make sure you are not overweight, drink less caffeine and alcohol, not smoke. Eat a diet that is really varied and plant heavy.
Have loads and loads of sex especially when ovukating. Put your feet up on the wall afterwards and make sure you orgasm again after he has ejaculated.

OP are you using the clear blue fertility monitor and a very good quality sperm conducting lube?
The clear blue monitor really is good

Five months is not long at all and perfectly within normal limits. I'm very surprised you have already had tests done.

You sound very intense and uptight ................it is a cliche but you need to relax!