To think immediate family should be informed about a birth

[MarySmit]

I'm curious about this.

If you are a first degree relative, when would you expect to be told that a relative had just had a baby?

I'm feeling rather miffed that no one bothered to inform me, so wanted opinions on this

I’m not sure how my sibling found out about the births of any of my children. I presume my mother told them. Not that we are no contact either just very different people who have not much in common and so talk when we bump into each other. I guess if mum hadn’t of told them they would have likely found out when the baby was maybe even a year old. Unless they checked my social media.

In fact personally I told nobody I don’t think, my dh did the texting/calling of baby is here name weight mother and baby doing well kind of thing. He certainly wouldn’t have told my sibling as they don’t have each others numbers.

@MarySmit How old was the baby when you found out?

And her son isn't allowed to tell his mum the news, in order to indulge his partners power play?

Mumsnet is the only place I've ever encountered the strangeness around telling people a baby has been born or banning visitors for months so I don't know if this is the best place for reasonable answers.

For my siblings, I can't quite remember if I told them directly. Grandparents first and then they'd have told brothers and sisters immediately just because we were still in the being sorted out stage. My husband was certainly under strict instructions to tell my mum straight away that I was fine and about baby as she was worried.

But once through that then certainly a what's app and a photo.

I can't imagine my sister finding out after other family members. I was desperate to hear when it was her and certainly didn't expect a phone call but to be pretty high up the chain of news.

Guess it depends if it was a traumatic birth and if the mum was recovering. How long are we talking about here OP? Did your sister just tell parents to tell everyone who needed to know? Surely thats no less personal then getting a whatsapp.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here OP your sister might be a bit traumatised, it really isn't a personal sleight if shes concentrating on her own recovery and her baby immediately after birth and informing family members has gone out of the window.

Don't "step back" and pout. Especially if your sister is cool with you when you eventually meet up. Christ.

Yep, grandparents are just to be mocked for caring about their daughters going through labour, and the safe arrival of the next generation.
But then of course expected to step up and provide childcare and the amount of interest demanded by the parents.

Oh my!!

And I do hope all these 'within 24 hours' never have to worry about their own precious babies when they are adults in labour.

The way you talk about your family clearly shows the relationship has problems.

You say there had been in ‘contact during pregnancy’, that’s doesn’t sound very natural or close.

You also said you had tried hard but had felt left out and the relationship felt one sided. Yet go on to say you thought you had a ‘good relationship’. Really?

You then contradict yourself about thinking you had a ‘good relationship’ by saying you had hoped that with a new baby, this might be an opportunity to ‘build a relationship’. If the relationship was good, why would you be ‘hoping to build’ one?

So you did know it wasn’t great and it can’t really be that much of a shock that you weren’t told.

Clearly, there’s a lot more to this.

There is even a poster on this thread saying they wouldn't have told grandparents for a week, but they need childcare so had to. Grandparents, know your place I guess.

I don’t know really, we told my MIL and my Gran immediately, they then told the rest of the family, who text/called/wrote to congratulate us. I don’t remember any relative being offended that we hadn’t contacted them directly as soon as we’d cut the cord, but maybe we should have?

Who was the relative that mentioned it? If it was a grandparent then maybe they were assuming the grandparent would tell you and they forgot?

Do you not have an active family WhatsApp? If not maybe set one up. We have this with DH, DBIL, DSIS and the grandparents and this is where we put birth announcements and invitations for birthday parties etc

I would reach out to them and congratulate them, be the bigger person. Now is not the time to raise it but maybe in a year or so, try and have a frank chat about the relationship and whether there is some issue you don’t know about.

dont step back
use the new baby to rebuild the relation, dont let it stop you

You don't generally tell everyone. But it's not unusual for the mum-to-be to tell her parents/in-laws and siblings.

I knew with my kids (I was either there or childminding) and their siblings all knew. And we all knew as soon as the father was able to let us all know.

a) we all wanted to know everyone was safe and well and b) they were desperate to announce the new arrival

Have you parents?

What is their part in this?

It really depends on the circumstances. I can easily see why someone would be inadvertently missed, especially if difficult birth/ early birth/ illness afterwards. If your sibling was the one actually giving birth it’s usually the other partner doing birth announcements. I also think it’s not unusual to tell grandparents and for them to then pass on the news. It can be quite a busy/ difficult time

I don't think it goes on how closely related you are but how close a relationship you have.

Parents/siblings we told them the same day, but we were close. Family we weren't close to, we didn't ever formally 'tell' them, but word obviously trickled out. I'm NC with my family now, and I sure hope I don't have another baby, but if I did, I wouldn't tell them at all.

It can be a tough time for people and while I think if you're close, it would be odd if they made efforts not to tell you or to make sure you didn't find out. If they just assumed others would tell you and were a bit overwhelmed for a few days, I wouldn't make this about you.

We didn’t tell anyone I was in labour, but we did tell both sets of parents and siblings within 12 hours of the birth.

So you want support from your family but you wouldn't want to tell them your good news, cos, what? Some kind of secret?

Just so fucking self absorbed.

These days a whatsapp or text is so easy OP. I don't get it either. It seems to be a thing though.

Dh texted his mum and my mum when dd was born. I'm pretty sure I didn't tell my siblings and I'm equally pretty sure dh didn't tell his either. We all get on okay, but quite honestly dropping an 8lb baby out ones chuff is exhausting and pretty bloody painful. I knew dm and dmil would let the siblings know.
But it all depends on family dynamics.
OP from your updates, I think for your own mental well-being you need to step-back, I'm sorry it must be really hurtful, but don't let your family hurt you anymore.

What a sheltered life you must lead if OP sounds 'awful'

@MarySmit I knew you'd get a bunch of these responses. IMO it's really odd when people keep it to themselves that their baby has been born (aside from when it's for genuine reasons of safety of course). IME, even if the mother isn't up to a text, the dad is over the moon and so excited to share that they're a father! Isn't that normal?

TBH I can understand your relatives not telling you, because I would have assumed your sibling would have already been in contact. YANBU at all. It's not weird or pushy to expect to be told when a baby has been born!

@Greenberg2

So you pick up on that comment but not the one after it where I explain the situation with my family?

Not everyone had a close family - many have problems and in my family, those have been caused by my parents and DH's siblings.

My only other option for childcare is vet a babysitter or use social services. My parents can have their time with their GC whilst I'm in hospital - are they present as grandparents in his life? No. And that's their doing.

I’m expecting to have a baby in a few months and could easily see DH’s ‘first degree relatives’ feeling, like you do, aggrieved that they haven’t been told the baby has arrived. However, that will be for very good reasons (they unfortunately found out I was pregnant against our wishes). They have many issues in their household including abuse, coercive control, drug/ alcohol addiction and dangerous risk-taking behaviours so I don’t speak to them at all (the final straw was one of DH’s siblings threatening to kill me and the unborn baby) and DH speaks to them very rarely.

They are incredibly delusional and would say they have a good relationship with us (they have been told why I don’t speak to them but tell DH it’s because I have mental health issues). I’m not saying you are anything like our relatives, just that people’s perceptions of situations can be different. It’s up to new parents alone who they tell when a baby is born.