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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think immediate family should be informed about a birth

333 replies

MarySmit · 13/09/2023 22:12

I'm curious about this.

If you are a first degree relative, when would you expect to be told that a relative had just had a baby?

I'm feeling rather miffed that no one bothered to inform me, so wanted opinions on this

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 14/09/2023 07:10

For normal families people would be told within hours.

For MN families 2 weeks at least and no visitors until the child is a toddler.

RidingMyBike · 14/09/2023 07:13

Grandparent yes but I'd just expect them to let other people know rather than us doing it?

We made two calls - one to each side of the family.

Zonder · 14/09/2023 07:15

So come on @MarySmit how long was it before you found out and which relative told you?

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 07:16

CurlewKate · 13/09/2023 22:40

@KingOfThieves "A grandparent with a typical relationship with their child, 24 hours."

Seriously? It's OK not to tell your parents that you've had a baby, assuming it's gone well and everybody's fine, for 24 HOURS?????

People are so weird about babies. You don't have to tell anyone, no, but then don't bitch about no visits or interest from others when it suits you.

LolaSmiles · 14/09/2023 07:22

Ordinarily I'd expect parents and siblings to share that sort of news unless there's a back story and/or someone is low or no contact.

In a situation where a parent/sibling wasn't told within a couple of days, especially when others are aware, I'm afraid my gut would make me wonder if there was more to it. Whole families wouldn't typically not mention something in such a coordinated way unless there's no backstory.

MonoLisa · 14/09/2023 07:24

IsleOfPenguinBollards · 13/09/2023 23:47

AIBU is a strange place.

Q. AIBU to be miffed that no one told me that my sibling’s baby had been born?

A. YABU, you’re being ridiculous. It’s none of your fucking business.

Also MN later: Why is no one offering to help with the baby?

W0tnow · 14/09/2023 07:31

Don’t most families these days have a WhatsApp family chat? Or certainly if your parents knew, I’d assume they’d have called you?

when I had my babies, I called mum first. I assume she called my brothers immediately.

I’m guessing my kids would probably put a quick message/pic on the WhatsApp family chat?

it feels like there is a bit of a back story here.

hdbs17 · 14/09/2023 07:31

It's down to the parents of the baby, it's their baby after all.

If I could, I'd rather not tell anyone for around a week when mine arrives however because we need family for childcare then it's not doable.

MonoLisa · 14/09/2023 07:32

TheGhostofLoganRoy · 14/09/2023 07:06

I really don't understand the idea that if your very first thought after how ever many hours of labour, possibly bleeding heavily, maybe drugged and zonked out, and completely overwhelmed with relief and the emotion surge at delivering a baby isn't isn't "quick shove the baby into a crib and hand me my phone, I have much more important things to do than pay attention to my minutes-old newborn!! is active secrecy. That just seems like such a weird way to frame it.

Surely if a woman had just gone through such an extraordinarily physically and mentally challenging and draining experience as labour, especially if it was a very gruelling labour, or one with complications, or one where either baby or mum was in danger, you're just not in a headspace to be able to focus on anything except the baby and physically recovering? You might be so utterly bone-achingly exhausted you can't even remember your own name, much less remember your sibling. You might be completely overwhelmed by so many different things and emotions. Is your sibling really going to be uppermost in your mind?

Yeah okay some people are just weird, some people have different boundaries from their families, and some people know their families will descend and not let them have any privacy so they just want to enjoy a bit of time with their newborn first (which is understandable).

But as a general life rule I find that if you think someone is deliberately snubbing you, it's much more likely that they just weren't thinking about you at all because they had other things to think about.

Show quote history

Why is it only up to the woman to text? Father has most likely thumbs so can manage a text to closest relatives

EquinoxVOx · 14/09/2023 07:32

Op of course it's normal if everything is going well.

Sometimes unfortunately which doesn't sound relavant here is when you have to keep it quiet.

Op I would be so hurt as well.

Send card, say you would love to to meet baby, put some money in card and or buy a little outfit. Then you have done the right thing.

Then... Leave it all and concentrate on yourself and your family.

UnalliterativeGeorge · 14/09/2023 07:38

Yanbu, it's odd. My brother didn't tell us about the birth of their second child till a week later. We get on well and he'd also specifically asked our mum not to mention it to us. We still don't really know why as we don't live nearby so it's not like we'd have dropped in unannounced 🤷 just weird.

It has a knock on effect of remembering the birthday a week late every year.

fr4zzledmum · 14/09/2023 07:41

I gave birth just after 3am, and sent a text round to parents, PIL, sister and best friend once I was on and settled in the post natal ward, about 7pm.

MIL made a remark she would've expected us to text within an hour of birth. Not like I was doing anything important in those first couple of hours...

I would say close family notified within 6-12 hours, dependent on the situation. They can then feedback to everyone else (if parents wish).

AliceOlive · 14/09/2023 07:45

I would expect grandparents to be told within an hour if there were no complications. Than grandparents to spread the news. If they didn’t tell you, I’d wonder how excited they were about it themselves.

Dishwashersaurous · 14/09/2023 07:46

I would expect the grandparents to be told ,probably within 24 hours.

And then thr grandparents to tell siblings.

So , in this particular scenario, the oddness is your mum not telling you

Redwinestillfine · 14/09/2023 07:55

It depends. We told my parents and mil straight away ( within a few hours) but I trusted them to give us space and not just turn up uninvited. If there was any history of not respecting boundaries I would have probably left it a few days.

Shelby2010 · 14/09/2023 07:58

My experience is that you want to share good news pretty quickly - within a few hours. If it was late at night then I would probably wait until morning, except for telling whoever’s looking after any older child.

However, my close family are on a family WhatsApp now, so only one message needed. I might then ask them to pass the news on to anyone else. If you think that most people have 50-100 people at their wedding, they could count as ‘close friends & family’ but you wouldn’t be contacting them all shortly after giving birth!

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 14/09/2023 07:58

The only reason I wouldn’t contact a relative about the birth of my child is because I didn’t have a relationship with them or I didn’t want a relationship with them - it says a lot about the person being uninformed.

Shouldbedoing · 14/09/2023 08:00

OP, I get you. You try to do the decent thing and not badger expectant parents for 'any news?!' Only to find out 2nd or 3rd hand later.
It's upsetting.
But hopefully a miscommunication.

KingOfThieves · 14/09/2023 08:03

CurlewKate · 13/09/2023 22:40

@KingOfThieves "A grandparent with a typical relationship with their child, 24 hours."

Seriously? It's OK not to tell your parents that you've had a baby, assuming it's gone well and everybody's fine, for 24 HOURS?????

Why are you assuming everything went well?

labours are exhausting and even without complications, it isn’t everyone’s first instinct to pick up a phone

Bunnycat101 · 14/09/2023 08:03

I think it’s a bit odd your parents didn’t tell you. With my first, it was a 3 day affair and parents and siblings knew I was in labour but also things going slowly. When the baby arrived, it was a tricky delivery, early hours of morning, PPH, baby not feeding well etc and I think my husband only told the parents rather than siblings as well when the baby came safely and expected them to communicate onwards. We were then in hospital for 4/5 days and it took a while to see family.

With my second, my in-laws were looking after the baby, birth was very quick and we were out early next morning. It was a much easier birth and much easier to let people know.

GRex · 14/09/2023 08:04

MarySmit · 13/09/2023 23:48

Thank you for the the helpful replies here. It seems like the majority do think it's normal to inform immediate family, either directly or indirectly, soon after the birth.

It may be an omission. I feel hurt because there is a history of previously being left out, despite trying hard on my part. As I mentioned before, the effort has felt quite one sided. There was regular communication prior to the baby's birth.

I'll take on the feedback to message to wish them well, and offer to visit if they would like that, and leave it at that.

The "history of being left out" suggests that your sibling doesn't have a close relationship with you. In that context, it isn't surprising that you weren't a priority. I can't see where you've actually said how long it was until you heard. If it is less a than a week, then it's probably not a major issue, just that everyone was busy and you took lower priority. Over a week would be more likely to suggest that they don't want you in their life, and it's good to back off.

saraclara · 14/09/2023 08:09

hdbs17 · 14/09/2023 07:31

It's down to the parents of the baby, it's their baby after all.

If I could, I'd rather not tell anyone for around a week when mine arrives however because we need family for childcare then it's not doable.

There are so many odd posts on this thread..(and OP's isn't one of them)

It's like many mothers here don't have parents and siblings who love them, are excited for them, and worry about them. Or they do, but don't love, care or have enough empathy for them to let them know within a few hours, that all is well.

These people will have been expected to be considerate of your pregnancy, look after you, attend showers and gender reveals, buy your pram, put you front and centre in the months before (and as above, provide childcare for existing children) but then not be worth telling when the big event has happened?

There's a whole 'how dare my parents and siblings want to be considered' vibe going on that's pretty selfish. It seems that many people want them to care and be excited when it suits them, but not when it involves the simplest and most obvious reciprocation.

So yes, my DH made the call within a couple of hours when our babies arrive, and so did my son in law.

Dagnabit · 14/09/2023 08:14

YANBU. Yes, the sibling might be busy/traumatised or whatever, but what was stopping your parents from telling you? Unless you are estranged or they didn’t know. All very strange.

hdbs17 · 14/09/2023 08:16

@saraclara

In my case, my parents haven't been expected or asked to buy anything - I have no siblings and DH siblings haven't helped or contributed but rather have actually complained when we haven't wanted to go on days out with them due to my pelvic girdle pain.

My parents will assist in looking after DS when I go in for my elective but beyond that, my parents do very little else and it's always me that has to contact them first.

People have their reasons for wanting to keep their baby to themselves before visitors who just want to ogle start filling up the house.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 14/09/2023 08:19

If you’re a annoying mother in law then I would keep quiet as long as possible