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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to murder recently retired DH?

408 replies

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:26

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
LondonPapa · 11/09/2023 09:44

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:26

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

Get him to take up cycling. He'll be occupied for hours.

12moose · 11/09/2023 09:45

AppleKatie · 10/09/2023 22:30

Sounds like you split OP.

you don’t like him or respect him. So time to cut the cord.

doesn’t much matter who’s right or wrong, you feel how you feel. (And the way you’ve described him I’d feel the same).

Oh for goodness sake, here we go. This type of issue is totally fixable with good communication and work. I swear people just immediately jump to this solution because they can't be bothered to provide any thoughtful, nuanced advice. Comments like this make a complete mockery of marriage and what it means.

Bigbadmama · 11/09/2023 09:48

Retired men need a MAJOR project. My hubby and both the neighbours are involved in a steam railway restoration project which keeps them VERY busy at least 2 days a week, plus pottering in the workshop (mens shed). They come home very dirty and exhausted and fall asleep on the sofa. My only complaint is the volume of oily clothing scattered round the house....

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 11/09/2023 09:49

What he needs is a new boss to give him some boundaries and some responsibilities. No he cannot enter the room or interrupt you while you are working. No he cannot expect to accompany you to work. And he must take responsibility for some household tasks and especially ones that get him out of the house. From now on you give him shopping lists and he goes out and fulfills them or there's no supper. He could be responsible for some cleaning or cooking, if he doesn't know how there are YouTube videos or you can discuss it outside your working hours, and if he wants to use different materials from yours then off he goes to buy them.

Firm but kind.

shearwater · 11/09/2023 09:49

72EasyLessons · 11/09/2023 06:05

I’m finding it extremely difficult to imagine a recently-retired woman insisting on standing, clad only in her knickers, in her husband’s home office, ‘supervising’ his Zoom meetings, lying in bed in a huff for three days because said husband wouldn’t let her listen in to work interviews, insisting on accompanying him on work trips, and refusing to do any housework, shopping or cooking.

Show quote history

Yes, Mumsnet is one-sided. This is because men and women are different and a lot of men are JUST FUCKING USELESS.

Original poster
ŁadnaPogoda · 11/09/2023 10:00

Obviously I’m not going to divorce or murder him yet. He was great when he was working, he had a really interesting job regarding making the workplace “greener.” So I think he wouldn’t struggle to get some consultancy work. Before this he was an IT project manager - again, easily transferable. He was also a school governor when the kids were at school. He just needs to change his mindset. U3A looks great; there is one close by in London and another in the next town from where we are out in the sticks.

He is clueless and not interested in the garden, so we have a gardener. I have asked him to start clearing out the loft and garage, as this will need doing if we’re going to sell this place.

My plans for retirement were to live in London, go to the theatre a lot, maybe do a Master’s, travel. He was the one who wanted to live in the country, and is fortunately finding out early on that he hates it. I’ve suggested that he gets to know the area better - get the bus to the next town, do some of the local village walks (I’ve helpfully bought a book!). Maybe take up rowing or something else he used to do when he was younger? The next village has loads of clubs and organisations that he could join, and places where he could volunteer (and it takes 30-40 minutes to walk there, so some exercise thrown in), but he needs to change his mindset before we get that far.

OP posts:
Candlelight34 · 11/09/2023 10:05

ŁadnaPogoda · 11/09/2023 10:00

Obviously I’m not going to divorce or murder him yet. He was great when he was working, he had a really interesting job regarding making the workplace “greener.” So I think he wouldn’t struggle to get some consultancy work. Before this he was an IT project manager - again, easily transferable. He was also a school governor when the kids were at school. He just needs to change his mindset. U3A looks great; there is one close by in London and another in the next town from where we are out in the sticks.

He is clueless and not interested in the garden, so we have a gardener. I have asked him to start clearing out the loft and garage, as this will need doing if we’re going to sell this place.

My plans for retirement were to live in London, go to the theatre a lot, maybe do a Master’s, travel. He was the one who wanted to live in the country, and is fortunately finding out early on that he hates it. I’ve suggested that he gets to know the area better - get the bus to the next town, do some of the local village walks (I’ve helpfully bought a book!). Maybe take up rowing or something else he used to do when he was younger? The next village has loads of clubs and organisations that he could join, and places where he could volunteer (and it takes 30-40 minutes to walk there, so some exercise thrown in), but he needs to change his mindset before we get that far.

My friend's husband found when they retired to London he became much more busy.

Lots of walks, museums, theatre etc.

He also joined lots of different interest groups and clubs which gave him structure and routine.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 11/09/2023 10:13

user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 01:21

He is having difficulty adjusting.
Did you get along before his retirement?
Pay him lots of attention for half an hour a day and then expect him to create a non working life for himself. Talk about how he needs to entertain himself; he is not retired from life.
Ideas ...

Set up an office at your home with a kettle etc. and install a lock and go into work for set hours. Leave DH with emergency numbers and ask him to meet you for lunch in the kitchen at set o'clock.
Make a physical list of one or two household chores - like the washing or cleaning - and ask husband to complete those on days that you work.
Stick to your routine of going into your office.
Complain about the state of the garden.
Complain about the windows needing a wash.
Suggest that you set up a vegie garden. You do some planning but leave most deciding and digging to DH.
Join in with a community activity or hobby that you think DH would enjoy. Go together and encourage DH to take on extra hours or being on the committee.
Temporarily work from a friend's house.
Get a dog that needs walking.
Volunteer your DH skills as a driver for the elderly.
Suggest DH have catch up with friends, learns golf, collects parcels from Post Office (order your Christmas shopping)
If you have children, seek help from them in utilising their Dad for things.
It is bloody annoying but if you do want to stay married to a live person then help him focus on possibilities and insist that he not accompany you to work - ask if he'd have liked you at his work place, sitting behind him.

The over seas trip would be horrific unless he has spent a lot of time planning for himself, knowing that you will be busy.

Leave him with a list of emergency numbers?!

Good grief - that's what you do the first time you leave a 10 year old alone at home. Not a grown adult who is only in the next room.

FFS.

He's behaving like a clingy toddler. Treating him like one will only make it worse.

Drop the rope. Tell him he's not working and he's not out doing something else productive, so he needs to take up the slack at home.

Don't cook, don't clean, if he sends you a shopping list send it straight back. For gods sake don't let him in your office when you're working. At all. Go to London for a month and leave him completely to his own devices if you have to.

Tell him to sort his shit out so you actally want to have him around, or he'll be sorting it on his own.

VenusClapTrap · 11/09/2023 10:15

Remember in Last of the Summer Wine when the women would sweep the men out of their houses with their brooms and not let them back in till teatime, with Nora Batty huffing “They get under yer feet”? I remember all the older women I knew at the time nodding along sagely. 😂

RandomButtons · 11/09/2023 10:17

Buy him some golf sticks and send him off to learn the sport.

bonzaitree · 11/09/2023 10:18

Tell him to go away every single time he comes and interrupts you during work. Face him flatly and say « please leave the room I’m working. Leave the room please I’m busy. » until he leaves. No expression on face. No emotion. Flat blunt.

If he chooses to sulk. Let him. Give it no attention or energy. If he says anything about it just simply say « I have to work » no explanation.

If you struggle to set boundaries (I’m guilty too!) there are some great resources about it online, podcasts and books etc.

What he does with his retirement is up to him. I would stop putting energy into « suggestions » and let him work it out himself. Offer an opinion only if he asks for it.

Seriously leave him to it!

wheretonow123 · 11/09/2023 10:24

What age is he? Did he go from 100% working to nothing over night?

I do think some type of hobby is a necessity especially if he doesnt like gardening or other household DIY etc.

Maybe start supporting a local sports team and do some volunteering but you said that he equates this with work!

AuntieEsther · 11/09/2023 10:25

Plumbathread · 11/09/2023 09:16

Luckily, I’m not having the same experience. Mine retired early with my encouragement and it’s actually working out really well.

However, he’s not the sort that gets bored easily. He’s always got a project (or several) on the go. When I’m WFH he leaves me alone. I might not see him at all during the day until he rings the bell for dinner in the evening. He’s come on work trips abroad with me and managed to occupy himself when I’ve been working.

I'm sorry...rings the bell? Rings the BELL???

balzamico · 11/09/2023 10:27

I'm watching this with some trepidation- dh retires soon and gleefully pronounces he's going to do "nothing".
I think he's in for a big shock when he realises that's not quite as idyllic as it sounds

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/09/2023 10:31

SUPsUP · 10/09/2023 22:29

I’d acquit if I were on the jury

Lol, totally this! He would drive me demented too op.

Spottywombat · 11/09/2023 10:31

My DH is really fed up of all the work there is now he's retired. I did it all before and there's been some rebalancing...fortunately, he gets it. But he does moan and so I'd agree, boundaries are key.

MsRosley · 11/09/2023 10:35

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 11/09/2023 10:13

Leave him with a list of emergency numbers?!

Good grief - that's what you do the first time you leave a 10 year old alone at home. Not a grown adult who is only in the next room.

FFS.

He's behaving like a clingy toddler. Treating him like one will only make it worse.

Drop the rope. Tell him he's not working and he's not out doing something else productive, so he needs to take up the slack at home.

Don't cook, don't clean, if he sends you a shopping list send it straight back. For gods sake don't let him in your office when you're working. At all. Go to London for a month and leave him completely to his own devices if you have to.

Tell him to sort his shit out so you actally want to have him around, or he'll be sorting it on his own.

Show quote history

OP, it's not just his mindset that needs to change. It's urgent that you change yours. What he does now he's retired is not your problem to solve. Your problem is to establish some boundaries. Now he's not working, he should be doing the vast majority of the housework, shopping and cooking, (and perhaps the gardening to save money there). It is absolutely not acceptable that he leaves you to carry on doing the domestic stuff while he holidays through the rest of his life.

Though you sound assertive, you are currently being a complete doormat, now with the extra work of trying to organise his life too. Stop doing it. All of it. Tell him your bottom line. If he won't step up, then I don't see how your marriage will survive.

MsRosley · 11/09/2023 10:36

AuntieEsther · 11/09/2023 10:25

I'm sorry...rings the bell? Rings the BELL???

Show quote history

I'm hoping he rings it to tell Plumbathread her dinner is ready.

TorroFerney · 11/09/2023 10:42

AuntieEsther · 11/09/2023 10:25

I'm sorry...rings the bell? Rings the BELL???

Show quote history

I know. Sounds fabulous!

Panama2 · 11/09/2023 10:43

If you need an alibi dm me

CarelessWispa15 · 11/09/2023 10:49

Could he take up that "massively outing" mumsnet DH hobby and cycle to the next village if he doesn't fancy walking? It sounds like they have a lot of things to join in with and if he takes the plunge and goes along that first time he might like it and meet some new friends and want to go again and then try some other stuff too.

I haven't read the full thread but after reading the OP I came on to suggest gardening. Getting a greenhouse or vegetable patch going so that he could grown his own which may lead on to having a go at cooking it too but I see you already have a gardener.
Have you any fences that need painting while the gardener is around? He might strike up conversation and take an interest in what they are doing which could lead onto him getting involved with gardening and hopefully he would then get plenty fresh air, a sense of accomplishment from growing his own produce and get out of your hair for a bit.

If that's a no go do you have an outbuilding, garage or shed that's got an electric supply that he could tinker about with his synthesisers and other interests in?

GingerScallop · 11/09/2023 10:51

Take the plunge. Just make plans. At 2 and 4, it will unbelievably expand their imagination. Trust me. Just hearing a different language or trying a different food. Especially to the non European countries where things will appear/feel so different for them

Plumbathread · 11/09/2023 10:51

I'm hoping he rings it to tell Plumbathread her dinner is ready.

He does.

SequentialAnalyst · 11/09/2023 10:52

He seems to have confused retirement with being on a permanent holiday, catering and housekeeping services provided all in, and live entertainment in the form of watching you work.

But it doesn't sound like he's enjoying himself much.

He may need some time to transition from working to the next stage, time just to slob around and enjoy not working, and decompress, especially if he is ND, which seems a possibility. And I'm all for that, within reason, provided he pulls his weight round the house, and respects hia partner's space and work commitments.

But he can't spend the rest of his life slobbing around. I would suggest he has 6 months off, then starts planning in detail without your help some sort of joint fun thing you could do together thanks to him being retired. Or get him to plan this year's Christmas?

Failing that, I would consider divorce. Never mind about him, what about you and the rest of your life?

horseyhorsey17 · 11/09/2023 11:02

Oh god you poor thing. Let me know if you need any help disposing of the body, as a wannabe thriller writer I've come up with some ideas for doing this that I reckon are watertight...