To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

Help him find a hobby? Tennis, golf, cycling, painting. I feel for you and for him, he is at a loose end. Must be hard

Import a few newts and a Roman mosaic just to be sure.

That sounds miserable OP. I put my husband's name on the waiting list for an allotment a couple of years before he retired - he's now on the committee so that keeps him busy.

OP, I'm sorry but this made me laugh out loud.

I do sympathise, it sounds bloody difficult, to say the least.

I hope he was a better and nicer person when younger. I can understand treating the first couple of weeks as a holiday at home, but not beyond that.

Perhaps get him involved with gardening? It's not work - it's outside, get him a decent rain mac or waterproof jacket and wellies so that he can do it in all sorts of weather. Can you apply to the council for an allotment so that he could start growing fruit/veggies for you both?
He definitely needs an outside interest - perhaps gardening is it?

Did his former employer run any sort of pre-retirement course? What to expect when you're not going into the office any more? When you suddenly are under the feet of the person who used to have the home to themselves while you were in the office? That sort of thing? See if you can find something run locally and get the two of you to attend. He might be shocked to learn that you don't want him under your feet and instead actually need him to go out of the home.

Best of luck getting through to him.

DH and I still work full time, but he went on a pre-retirement course a few years ago. In the margin of the course file he had made a note I couldn’t understand so I asked him about it, basically a problem he foresaw was that I wouldn’t do as he wanted, i.e. like his staff at work. All I could say was I am glad we are clear on that point.

Maybe have a look at Not Fade Away - how to thrive in retirement, by Celia Dodd.

OMG @ŁadnaPogoda I think we might be married to a bigamist! My husband also retired early due to burnout - really early as he is in his fifties. He has spent the first year pottering with no real focus on anything outside the house. He does spend a lot of time in the garden. He has few friends and is extremely introverted so is not interested in joining groups etc. I worry that he is going to age prematurely and the risk of dementia although he does do lots of mental puzzles. I only very occasionally attend a meeting from home so at least he isn’t looming behind me in his pants!

When my dad retired, my mum upped her hours for this very reason. Yanbu op.

It’s a two pronged issue, isn’t it?

1. He simply has to stop bothering you when you are working
2. He needs to think about himself, his life, his present and future as a retired person. If he got no further with his retirement plans than ‘stop bloody work’, this is the time to start. If he had some sort of fantasy about moving straight to a life where the two of you hold hands in various sunsets, he needs to come back down to earth.

I would have a conversation centred on him, his feelings about his life, what he needs to reestablish himself as a happier person and then make the boundaries around your own needs very clear.

Otherwise, do you have a patio?

I semi-retired last year. I do do some occasional consultancy type work but it is very occasional. I'm loving retirement and cannot think how I found time to fit work in. BUT it's a huge transition involving some very deep issues, mostly around my identity, which has, of course shifted enormously. I reckon that if one doesn't have hobbies and pastimes it could potentially be really challenging.

I dint think he's morphed into a giant baby, but by the sound of things you've allowed him to be one during your marriage so why do you expect different in retirement? Time to talk and for him to shape up or ship out. Mention of a London flat makes me feel like you could afford to split and still live wel.l

Omg this would drive me insane especially hanging around listening to and commenting on your Teams calls. That would not be allowed in my line of work (law) for confidentiality reasons. Have you got any scope to argue that?

Why on earth are you doing all the shopping and cooking if he's retired and you work FT? Tell him it's his job now and he can keep himself busy with that!

After just reading that I’d want the same OP. How you’ve not lost your shit is beyond me.

Luckily, I’m not having the same experience. Mine retired early with my encouragement and it’s actually working out really well.

However, he’s not the sort that gets bored easily. He’s always got a project (or several) on the go. When I’m WFH he leaves me alone. I might not see him at all during the day until he rings the bell for dinner in the evening. He’s come on work trips abroad with me and managed to occupy himself when I’ve been working.

😂😂😂

So what's his plan - just to moon about, watching what you are doing for the next 20 - 30+ years? You need to have a serious talk with him about his behaviour: if he doesn't develop some interests of his own it won't be good for him either physically or mentally, and I would tell him this kindly but firmly. If he doesn't see the sense, then it's time to get tougher and consider what your stance will be.

For those suggesting governance of schools - yes please, we are always short of people to volunteer.

High expectations but the right people thrive on it.

Register and look here ( like a dating agency for prospective governors and schools seeking).

https://www.inspiringgovernance.org/

I hope you like your new patio. No judgement.

Did he secretly think that you didn't actually do much wfh at all and was jealous of you getting to sit at home and drink tea while he was at work, and was therefore expecting to be doing that with you when he retired and is surprised that you are actually busy with your job?

This was one of the many many reasons I got divorced. The other reasons were FAR more serious..

However, I remember my mother saying to me on the eve of my fathers retirement

“I married him in sickness and in health, but not for lunch every bl**dy day”
Luckily it worked out for them.

SURELY @ŁadnaPogoda your DH has some transferable skills?

Its scientifically proven to improve one’s wellbeing by volunteering.

I do feel for you 💐

Find out about your nearest U3A organisation
this is open to all people retired or semi retired
most U3As have a wide selection of groups to join in with ranging across sports, crafts, special interest, arts, trips and visits etc. you can join a specific group and go along and see if you enjoy it, and if not try something else.
Our local one has over 85 different groups to choose from
U3A came about to encourage retirees to continue to explore all opportunities open to them, and expand their horizons, as well as meeting and developing friendships. Isolation is a big killer and cause of dementia, it is now thought.

I joined when I retired. I “do” something a minimum of twice a week, and in some weeks up to 4 times, I’ve developed a lovely friendship network and I’m an introvert so it wasn’t easy for me. I meet with those friends outside of formal groups, I’m on committees and I go to other events like concerts etc.

but that I entered retirement knowing that whatever I did , I wanted to continue to learn and to do some teaching. I’d always done both as part of my job and it was bits I liked and kept me motivated- so I knew I needed to continue that. What was his vision for retiring early?

.also I’d be sitting down with him and asking what he was planning on doing with his retirement, what did he actually visualise himself doing with his time (and that following you around is not an option).

This is ,sadly, a very common problem. He can't think of things to do to amuse himself/ spend his time/ fill his day. He needs a routine, to have his day/week/month planned so he has things to do. I also did a retirement course years ago and men apparently often feel like this, they lose their sense of belonging and become a PITA.
You need to have a very clear conversation with him; you are working and for those 8[?] hours he treats you exactly as that. You are given privacy to work, he does something else for 8 hours, and gets out of the house to meet others in that time too. The evenings are time you can spend together, if you both want to. I do have some experience of a retired DH ,BTW, I didn't work from home, but mine thought his life was now one long holiday, and I had to carry on working and running the home! Quite!
You both need rules and boundaries and he needs to get his act together.

https://www.u3a.org.uk/find-a-u3a/u3a-search-by-town

My DH isn't retired yet but is going to his first session of this tonight...paving the way for retirement!!

I have noticed that friends of mine tend to go from working part-time to full-time when their (older) husbands retire. I can see why.

I would want to kill him too. You will have to sit him down and speak bluntly.

he needs several activities, hobbies, volunteering opportunities asap to give some point and focus to his life.