To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

He needs to feel useful. If he's not prepared to help around the house, which would be a deal breaker for me, then he should do some volunteer work instead.
I couldn't live like this to be honest, the relationship would be over for me.

My DF retired before DM and she was out every day for work. If she worked from home, I suspect he would have been the same, at least to begin with (until she would have snapped at him!).

My DM made it clear from the outset of her expectations of his retirement. Now he wasn't working, but while she still was, he took on default home roles so all cooking in the week and cleaning duties were now his. She still dealt with the washing and ironing (far safer than DF doing it!), but he did everything else.

It used to drive my mum mad when he didn't hoover or dust properly and he used to moan at her if she tried to re-do anything as he took it as a criticism. She ended up having to wait until he was out of the house to run around and do it!

When DM retired, they split the roles back again. It's really sweet - they have a rule that one of them makes lunch and the other makes dinner, then the following day they swap it round!

My DH did the whole standing behind me thing while I was working during lockdown and he wasn't - it is infuriating. He was doing it out of boredom. As soon as the golf courses reopened he was out there a few times a week. It gave us both some sanity.

OP's DH really very much needs a hobby or some voluntary work, or a dog to walk, to get him out. Preferably sometimes at the same time OP is home. I absolutely love the time that DH is at golf. He gets the house to himself during the week when he's WFH or after work before I get home, but his golfing time is literally the only time I get peace and quiet in the house. I would go insane if I didn't get that time.

Jesus, my ex was like this in his 30s. If he had a day off he'd flop around the house, just happening to always be where I was and needily demanding my attention like a terminally depressed Labrador. I thank my lucky fucking stars that we separated because I'd had an early taster and the idea of my entire existence being like that in retirement would make me put my head in the oven and turn on the gas.

But what strikes me is how much of this - yet a-FUCKING-gain - falls to women. Write him a list, find him a group, get him a waterproof coat. Jesus wept. Can these men not be told to take responsibility for themselves?

In OP's shoes I'd be making very clear that a) looming on calls, huffing in bed and so on is shitty behaviour and it's got to stop; b) he needs to develop some semblance of a life independent from me; and c) I NEED SPACE AND TIME ALONE.

Otherwise he's going to have a new past-time foisted on him whether he likes it or not: managing a divorce.

This.

He decided to retire, he sorts out what to do with his retirement.

It is not a woman's job to sort it for him.

My blood started boiling just reading that!! Sounds horrendous. Why doesn't he take up cycling and go our for hours and hours on end?

Yo need to have a really serious chat with him. He was so desperate to retire - what does he want to do?

Well OP, I am a stay at home mum and my husband is taking retirement soon. I barely made it through covid lockdown and now this...needless to say I am currently looking for work! So no advice, but I feel your pain x

@ifIwerenotanandroid

You sound like Charlotte Collins (nee Lucas) talking about her husband.

I always thought she was a very sensible woman, who managed to get a very comfortable life for herself and was able to get her husband to think her ideas were his, when she needed him out of her hair. I always wondered about having to sleep with him though as the price of her comfortable life - though being pregnant and having children to look after (I don't think this was part of the storyline) would keep him a arm's length for long periods of time. 🌹

Oh!!
now THAT I could get on board with

Well OP, I am a stay at home mum and my husband is taking retirement soon. I barely made it through covid lockdown and now this...needless to say I am currently looking for work! So no advice, but I feel your pain

This was me last year and honestly it’s been brilliant. I get my DH to do at least half the housework and cooking. If I need a break from him I deliberately go out on opposite days to him plus we do lots together too. Good hobbies are the key, we’ve both joined a spa we both to and he’s got into golf and I still see all my friends.
We keep weekends separate and deliberately joined the spa and golf club as weekday members.
We are fortunate to travel every six week which we both enjoy.

I'm sure Mr Bennett reads that Mrs Collins is in an 'interesting condition' in one of the later letters. She would certainly have wanted children but I think unless the husband was abusive women could generally opt out of sex once the babies were made if they didn't want it.

This thread is making me want to set up cooking and housekeeping classes for men between 55 and 75 years old. Hopefully the younger generation will be much more hands on.

Op you’ve had lots of good advice. Being charitable, I think some men do inhabit their work roles a bit more fully, to the exclusion of everything else that is, than some women, which leaves them more directionless when it ends. Women don’t have a choice and have to multi-task of course especially if they have dc.

Would it be helpful to go on holiday together and give him your full attention for 10 days and talk to him properly about all of this? Perhaps he imagined spending more time with you once he was no longer working, and that’s no bad thing in itself, but he needs to manage it when it’s convenient for you.

Personally , I would find it such a turn off to live with a bloke who was so passive and lacking in drive. My dh can lack imagination though to be fair. And I would have to address the inequality over housework situation as that would cause resentment.

If the relationship is worth saving then some counselling might be in order. It’s a hard adjustment. Good luck.

If this is real, you have a whole flat in london that you can just use as a get away, if youre that loaded, money can solve all these problems

Oh god, transition time 😬. Whoever said he’s got no one to manage so now he wants to manage you is spot on, but I also think there’s a certain type of bloke who just cannot be alone. They get so clingy and needy and follow you from room to room - my DH slumps into an almost instantaneous low if I ever go out and leave him for the evening, he’s like a kicked dog. Whereas I’m bloody elated to have an evening all to myself in an empty house - feels like an absolute luxury!

It’s a change for both of you & IME you need to crunch through the settling in period and tackle things one at a time - it’s almost like a full renegotiation of your relationship.

We too had the immediate conflict of him suddenly hovering around all the time and wanting to mansplain to me how to correctly do all the things I’d been doing perfectly happily and competently for fucking years. I put a lid on that very quickly.

We then had the constant “where are you going? I’ll come with you” schizzle. More difficult bc he has absolutely no need for alone time or personal space, ever, so found it hard to understand why I wouldn’t want a ride along 24/7 and took it as a personal rejection. In each case I didn’t try to solve his problem, just reiterated my own need for autonomy and space in my life, and eventually we found a different rhythm that works for both of us.

Really importantly he is an equal partner when it comes to general household admin, cleaning, shopping etc. If you’re busy and your DH is not, he should absolutely be picking up the slack on all that stuff. Refusal to do so would be a dealbreaker for me, so in your situation I’d start there.

I'm male and have decided to retire early, I'm doing it gradually having talked to several blokes who did the same, spent 2 years decorating the house and DIY...then bored shitless! So I'm developing hobbies, projects, exploring the area by bike enjoyed cycling to a local beach early last week and sitting in the sun with a book
There are retirement planning courses one of my old bosses went on one he was dreading finishing but the course opened his eyes to a world of opportunity. He went and taught it at the university of the third age

This reads as if you are talking about a child with SN or an elderly parent, who you are trying to gently manage. Not a partner.

Wait-you’re still working, he’s retired and you are the one doing all the cooking and cleaning??

He is struggling with the adjustment and needs some empathy, but you also need to be clear on the boundaries around your job. Compromise a little on spending time together during the work day and support him to work out what he is doing with his life as spectator/commentator on your job isn't an option !

@ŁadnaPogoda oh god, this sounds awful. Hasn’t he got any hobbies or friends that he can meet up with?? You’ve got to set boundaries. Work is work and he cannot interrupt during work time. Tell him that you’ll take a break and join him at lunchtime and expect him to make you a sandwich or whatever. As for joining you on a work trip. No no no. Work is work and you need to focus not have to play tour guide with DH. Clear communication is essential here. Have a talk with him about what he wants to do with his retirement. Suggest anything that occurs to you. But he can’t keep blurring the boundaries by encroaching upon your work time. He’s got to find ways to entertain or amuse himself. Good luck!!!

This morning I have asked him to:

Clear out the huge garage/shed. Put all of the stuff that can definitely be binned into boxes, like old pots of paint and broken garden tools. Clean anything that can go on Freecycle, like garden furniture that we don’t use, and list it. Ditto anything to keep or charity shop. Then we can start on the loft.

Learn to cook food that is prepared quickly and is edible. I don’t want to live on tinned tuna, lettuce and brown rice or chicken and grilled veg.

Clean the carpets or book someone to do it.

But it seems that he is on the train to London.

I’ve suggested we do some of the local walks together at the weekend.

But he really does need a plan!

It is such a shame (genuinely, I hope that hasn't come across sarcastic) for so so many women on this thread (and life in general) that they haven't discovered how absolutely marvellous being single is.

@PackBacker this is true!! My retired DH plays golf three times a week, goes to the gym three times a week, does the garden and any other household related jobs and in between all this we manage to fit in some nice lunches and mini breaks and holidays. It’s all good and we’re both enjoying retirement. Love the fact that we can go off and do our own thing! It’s the key to happiness.

What is very depressing is that I bet he is not on a mens forum saying he is finding retirement really tricky and his wife is really narky with him. So there are 10 pages of responses here about how the wife should try to fix/facilitate it.

This would drive me absolutely nuts. I hate the "I'll come with you" thing especially as it makes you seem really unreasonable to say no.

I think keep giving him long lists of jobs to do and nagging him to to them. Give him no peace. Dont expect him to do them though. I am sure he will soon find reasons to go out and whilst he is out he will find other things to occupy him. It will take time for him to fall into his routine. If that doesn't work I think separate houses when you sell up might work. Tell him so.

OP, you have to move out of the 'nagging' zone and into the 'our relationship is heading into uncharted territory' zone. He is not taking you seriously. You're not taking you seriously.

I believe you.