To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

From the way you talk about him I’d suggest ending your marriage tbh. It reads as though yes you’re rightly pissed off about his constant presence when you’re working (who wouldn’t be? You’re not his mum to take care of), but it also reads as though you can’t stand him in general. You do not need to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you miserable and someone who makes you feel contempt. You can just leave and be happy alone or with someone else. It’s ok to do that.

My dad is like this as well. He became semi retired and drove my mum potty. He’d either fall asleep on the sofa all day or clean the house from top to bottom around her, literally scrubbing the floors on his hands and knees, pulling out furniture, emptying cupboards. Not so bad you think, but this was several times a week.

He ended up going back to work full time. I’m sure you’d have seen my mum on the news otherwise!

I would look into creating a patio. There are some excellent vids on YouTube. I was struck by how deep the foundations need to be (depending on soil type obvs) at least six feet, especially in the middle.

No advice but I feel your pain OP. This is my biggest fear. He stops work and I get a second job as his nanny 😭😭😭. Good luck and just remember he’s a grown up. Could you go away for a week or so? So he has to look after himself for a time? Sounds as though he’s desperately delaying the inevitable moment he has to fend for himself and it might be better to rip the plaster off.

He stands behind her whilst she works, in his pants.

Of course she currently loathes him - he is being loathesome.

OP we took early retirement and then moved to France. For the first 18 months he had no hobbies whereas I joined women's groups, yoga, made friends etc. So I volunteered him to play tennis with a bloke in the next village, and found him a group to run with and he's now off doing that several times a week.

I usually wander off after breakfast into my garden to do veggie gardening stuff.

Does he bring a lot to your life in other ways? Because otherwise I would honestly split up unless you want this for the rest of your life. I have a very low tolerance for this type of thing, it sounds unbearable.

OP, I know some posts like this can seem a little amusing but I find it chilling.

He sounds extremely controlling and you are being suffocated by him.

I would be taking this very seriously and suggesting you will move to London on your own to take some space if he will not behave decently.

Smothering you, hovering, huffing and puffing is putting you into awful territory and I wouldn't blame you if you started rethinking your marriage.

If you have had a good marriage up to this, you need to spell it out to him that his behaving like a big annoying toddler is driving you away.

Absolutely dramatically increase solo pursuits with friends to drive the point home.

He wanted this.
He doesn't get to drive you mad now that he has gotten what he wants.

Plainly put, he needs to get his shit together before you get the ICK.

I'd aquit!
More seriously, it's time to jump ship. Carefully planned, so the finances work. People grow apart, and retirement makes it clear.
Otherwise, this is what the rest of your life looks like.

Jesus, yes, URNBU to do him in!

I feel your pain. Mine has been retired 8 years and it's got slightly better, but he still tries to peer round the door when I've got my camera on in a way that makes my colleagues think I'm running an old people's home on the side.

I don’t know -wouldn’t most people feel depressed if they moped about all day, no proper brain or physical exercise, unwanted by their spouse ( unsurprisingly) - physical exercise to get the endorphins going is a must imv.

Plus he needs to be picking up pretty much all the housework or organising the housework to be done.

Business idea:

NURSERY FOR RETIRED MEN.

You can drop him off in the morning, he'll be fed, entertained and supported to build basic social skills.

30 free hours kicks in at 65.

@SunRainStorm Brilliant

What did he say about housework etc when you talked about retirement? I’ve made it very clear to my DH that he is taking over all that when he retires.

if you have a London flat you must have the resources to rent or buy a local small office. I would do that and come home at 6 expecting dinner.

You are a genius 🤣.
Cross-party support for government funding, as a crime-prevention measure.

Men shouldn’t be allowed to retire. It doesn’t go well for them!

Isn't there something like the nursery for retired men in existence already? I'm thinking about those areas where there's a meeting place set up with various tools and equipment where they can learn or teach others how to repair and make things. I've been thinking of encouraging DH towards one as he loves tinkering around with engines, models etc. Of course, it only really works if the bloke is interested in that stuff anyway.

When are you planning to retire OP? Maybe if you are both retired you can enjoy doing things together

Yes! They can all chat about football, analyse old episodes of The Sweeney and have the odd rant about politics. Where do I sign him up, please? He's not 65 yet, but I am willing to pay.

Sounds horrendous. How have you not lost your shizz and shouted at him that no he's not coming to London this week?

It really is bloody ridiculous that he still expects you to do the cleaning and cooking. I'm amazed that he doesn't volunteer to do it out of ordinary human consideration for you as his wife. Have you asked him why the fuck you should continue to be his servant when he's just sitting around all day wondering what to do with his time?

Oh God, I know the murderous feeling. I got divorced instead.

It doesn't sound as if he's someone anyone could enjoy spending time with if he's so lacking in basic resources to occupy himself.

If he won’t find anything to do to use his time constructively, and won’t keep our of your hair and carries on annoying you, divorce is the obvious solution.