To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

I cannot in any scenario, imagine a women being so bored that she stalks her DH's business meetings.

This makes me reflect on how women still take on the wife work and responsibility for other people. I'm guilty of this myself, so no judgment. I just find it easier to crack on with being a competent adult.

It does remind me of DH breaking a limb early in our marriage. He would follow me around the house and then the dog would follow him. If I hadn't pointed out that folding up washing doesn't require an audience, it would have been a short lived marriage.

Brilliant idea! This cracked me up 🤣

Yeah, I've gone wrong with the food but that's because generally it's not a problem for me to whip something up.

Stick to your guns here.

I don't think you need to keep giving him jobs and nagging him to do them. How exhausting for you and how dull for him. Of course he doesn't want to do jobs all the time!

(And of course, he should, as a matter course, be doing the jobs anyway as and when they arise).

He is clearly finding it difficult to adjust and you'll need to consider that it might take him some time. But you need to sit down with him and tell him to think hard about how he wants to spend his retirement. That you aren't responsible for entertaining him. That you have your own life.

And fgs ban him from the room when you are having work meetings!

(And yes, it's reading threads like these that make me happy I don't live with anyone).

The really really sad and tiring thing is that we women are still somehow “managing” our DHs and managing their retirement

we are still responsible for other people all the time….

I just realised this 🥲

Rent an allotment for him ?

He can rent his own allotment.

This is not the OP's job.

My DP is self-managing. If he's at a loose end he finds ways to amuse and occupy himself. If he sees a job that needs doing in the house or garden, he does it. He's not perfect, but he does manage to be a competent, autonomous adult. Men are capable of it.

You can say I want to live with a grown up. 😁

God I started twitching just reading that. YANBU

You can’t be responsible for his day to day entertainment or you will go right off him very quickly. He needs to understand this and take appropriate action, or face the consequences.

I agree.
I also agree with the PPs who say it isn’t the OP’s job to manage her husband in his retirement, as well as her own job and the household.

Helpless needy clueless men are so deeply unattractive and unlikeable. They could very easily find absorbing things to occupy their time, but they want their wives to provide them with entertainment instead. Sometimes that means they want direction (despite being perfectly capable) and sometimes it means they just want to hang around their wives. And I’m sure some of them resent the fact that the wives have things to do and don’t want to spend their days attending to their husband’s needs.

Standing behind someone while they’re on a work Teams call and making comments is without doubt a pass-agg way of showing disapproval that she has something important to do that doesn’t involve servicing his needs or asking his opinion.

He could go to Citilit instead of U3A. They have endless courses. They are not targeted at older people.

Talk to him, tell him how you feel and be really honest. He may sulk, so what? Tell him he may be retired, but on the days you work his job is sorting the house and feeding you both, you're not his mum, you both live in the house, it's a partnership. Ultimately, tell him if things don't change you fear your relationship won't survive. Tell him all this before you go away and that the reason for the timing is so he can think about what you've said and you'll talk about it when you get back, it won't be a topic of conversation if you speak whilst you're away. Also, tell him he needs a hobby or a part time job because he's got too much spare time

When my dad retired he drove my mum up the wall and there was a few months of arguments, he spoke to me and said he was forced out of his job because of his age ,think he was a bit down and confused but he took up cycling again and found his feet, maybe your husband is the same just adjusting to retirement I am sure he will find something.

Bloody hell there are some useless men out there. I'm assuming the ones who can't entertain themselves in retirement were just as crap when they worked, but were kept busy most of the time with work. It can't be a massive surprise.

I am dreading DH retiring as it is bad enough him WFH! At least I go into work and have lots of interaction with different people. He sat at home on zoom calls which was fun for a while but the ‘fun’ worn off with a constant ‘do you want a cup of tea? What’s for lunch/dinner, shall we both go to xyz?’

loving the idea of a nursery for retired men

It would do my head in too BUT you can totally see why its happening. You need to sit down and discuss it and create expectations now your home situation has totally changed. Hes clearly bored and unable or, so far, unwilling to find focus for his life. So as a life partner you should discuss and identify one together..
Failing that go for the patio or the woods or whatever.

On the upside, you're both doing OK if he's taken early retirement, you work part time - and have multiple properties, one in one of the world's most expensive cities

NBU... that sounds really annoying! Did he forget you would still he working and maybe hope that you would both be able to chill out together all day? My husband and I have plans to retire early so we can live like we used to when we were at university and just pretty much have a full time holiday together. But we are a bit weird 😆

blahblahblah I totally agree with you, it's really unattractive to be expected to provide 'entertainment' for your DH (or DW)... yet you frequently see those sorts of comments on here, including from women 'my DH goes out cycling, is busy at work etc etc and I'm lonely' (not talking about when a woman is left with childcare duties - that's clearly different).
I can't get over the idea that people expect their DP to be their whole source of entertainment.
The OP needs to reflect on what her DH did at weekends... did they do everything and go everywhere together? Maybe I am just lucky as throughout our married life my DH and I have always had completely separate hobbies, interests and friends and always done 'our own thing'. Now we are both retired we just do exactly the same .. we may have the occasional trip out together .. but mostly we just lead independent lives.
Judging from my elderly mother who is recently widowed, I am grateful that neither of us is dependent on each other .. naturally she misses her DH but is perfectly competent and capable of getting on with her life on her own, despite being late 80s.

I was lucky when mine retired early, as he was a big gardener with ridiculously massive vegetable exploitation.. was always on his tractor or fiddling in the garage. (Nothing useful but at least out of my hair . BUT there were times when I'd say, I'm going to XYZ, & he said "OH I'll come too"... O GOD that sinking feeling. I would be wanting to whip in & out & get the necessary item/s, but no he would crawl through the shop like it was an amusement arcade.
So I stopped telling him, or say "if you are so keen to go, You go & I'll carry on with my other list of stuff that needs attending to."

He has now had a stroke & can't drive. My life is a living hell

I have to ask — what is ‘ridiculously massive vegetable exploitation’???

@Ragwort, I agree. There is no way I could remain married to someone I needed to baby and timetable activities for. Sure, retirement is an adjustment, and I’d be sympathetic to a spouse finding it a challenge initially, but not to the point of taking responsibility for essentially scheduling play dates and activities for him.

It would do my head in too BUT you can totally see why its happening.

I really can't.

I cannot imagine any circumstances whatsoever in which I would consider it appropriate to hang around behind my DP and comment on his work calls all day. Or in which I.would even consider sulking because I'd.been told I couldn't do the same while he was interviewing.

It's utterly, incomprehensibly ridiculous.

I'm planning early retirement myself next year. I have a huge list of things to do - a mix of increased house jobs that benefit both of us, as I will have more time, and things for myself. Not one of them involves lurking around and bothering my DP at work. Or sending him shopping lists when he is working and I am not. Or expecting him to carry the entire domestic load because I've stopped work and that includes housework.

(Incidentally, I drew up this list of plans and activities all by myself. I didn’t expect my DP to work any of it out for me. Aren't I clever?)

What an odd comment. So because the OP and her husband are not poor (probably wealthy yes) she’s never allowed to feel annoyed with her DH and ask for advice? How does that work? Sometimes people on this site almost drive me to vote Tory! It’s like if you’ve worked hard from school to the age of 65 and done well for yourself (I don’t know if this is the OP’s situation but it could well be, certainly both the OP and her husband work/ worked) you’ve eliminated any right to have an opinion on anything or ask for help. It’s not a misery competition.

You sound amazing, and have sense of humour!
Everything you've said is your choice and lots of women say 5he same thing, some men only do their job, so, once this has gone they do not know what to do, and become a nuisance.Even insisting on driving everywhere, the older generation even lost their car then!
Please do go to drinks, and keep your arrangements, he must build his new chapter around you both.
Encourage a conversation on his wishes and plans., as you are independent and enjoy your varied work and the freedom too.
The London thing would piss me off...he could go anytime as you have London property! He'll get insecure with no stimulation, then he'll really get annoying. Good luck lovely lady!

I agree.

I always wished for more about Charlotte.

I thought she was a interesting wholly believable character.