Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

Oh will you stop, your posts have nothing to do with reality, they reflect a wild projection on your part and are deranged at best.

You keep referencing family courts? Please Lord tell me you have no part to play in the legal system?

My child's father left me when I was pregnant. We weren't married. My son has my surname as I'm the one raising him. It makes life a lot easier as hes immediately recognised as my child at the airport/school/doctors etc. His paternal grandparents are really upset/cross about this. Its the 21st century. Children don't have to have a surname be a sirename

Jones. And he changes his name to match if he's that bothered.

Tell him to check his misogyny. Jones is your name. It belongs to you not just to another man. Men do not own names.

Wow.

It's yours because you chose it to be. Not because of any man.

Yes actually, I do. That's how I know what comes up and what doesn't. This type of behaviour by women when they say things like "Well if he married me it would be different" is the kind of thing that points towards parental alienation.

You just can't have these kinds of attitudes with co-parenting any more. All of that "if he wants to be a dad he has to be my man" is out of the window.

You just can't have these kinds of attitudes with co-parenting any more. All of that "if he wants to be a dad he has to be my man" is out of the window.

I don't doubt that some women do this.

Far more common though are men who can't be arsed to properly co-parent joint children once they are no longer in a relationship with the mother and opt out of the non fun bits of parenting post separation.

Hence the Disney Dad phenomenon.

@Appleontherocks the legal system is rightly against parental alienation. The same legal system gives an unmarried mother, but not an unmarried father, the right individually to register the birth. This is a legal recognition that ultimately the decision to choose the child’s name belongs to her.

My god you are dangerous

@Appleontherocks is a terrifying example of exactly why women’s aid are spot on with this:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/parental-alienation-a-dangerous-and-harmful-concept/

No, it’s mine because I married a man and took his name. If I hadn’t done so, I wouldn’t have this name, would I? 🤷‍♀️
It was my CHOICE to take his name, and my CHOICE to keep it, but the fact remains that I only have this name because of a name. That is indisputable. And I would never give that name to a child by another man.

Aim this message on men. Unmarried woman can name her child as she wishes.

I'm glad its different surnames than smith-Jones

The law as it stands is a recognition that someone has to get a final say. And an unmarried mother is far more likely to be left holding the baby and presumably that's why the law decrees that she is the one who gets that final say.

And possibly for some patriarchal reason that doesn't trust women to not name a man who isn't the real father.
But since this law works for women in the modern world, best we don't give away our right here, while men aren't made fully accountable for their offspring in terms of enforcing CS and physical care.

Yes its yours because you chose it. But from that moment on it became yours as much as his.

The OP wants to give her child her name. It's not another man's name. It's hers. That's perfectly reasonable.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

In your opinion
In mine, and in the mind of her child’s father, that is NOT reasonable. And his opinion should be just as valid as hers, even if you decide that mine is not. A child has two parents, and a father is just as important as a mother.

Not in the eyes of the law.

They aren't married so as far as the name goes the decision is hers alone.

Regardless I can't understand any woman objecting to another woman giving her child her own name. It's just bizarre.

I love my dad lots and my dh is a great dad to our kids. But when you are talking about babies and small children, I don't consider fathers to be as important as the mother. They maybe become equally important over time, when they do an equal amount of child rearing, but certainly at the start, it is the mother who has literally made a child from her own body, she is the one who the baby needs and wants.

Fathers often walk away. Mothers rarely do!

Then you are a bit simple
Never mind, one day you might grow up

I have had a revelation. She got the surname from her daughter. She didn't get it from the ex. She got the surname from her daughter.

An important perspective, @Lovingitallnow

You also don't need a DNA test to prove maternity.