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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname issue

498 replies

roopertbear · 10/09/2023 21:50

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

OP posts:
Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:41

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 06:35

Yeah but now it is her name. If you asked what her name is that would be the answer.

Show quote history

Because she had a thing about appearing to be an unmarried mother. Now she want this child to seem as if it's father is also her ex. It's creepy, Misery type behaviour.

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:44

Tandora · 13/09/2023 17:38

Wtf this cannot be serious???

Show quote history

Totally serious. Disgruntled mothers using things like the name to get back at an ex is parental alienation. Kid automatically goes to the non-alienating parent if proven. They take it very seriously because research shows the only way to cure a kid from that damage from a parent is by cutting their contact with that parent.

ohmyohmy123 · 14/09/2023 06:49

He is going to take a stand on this as it is your ex's name - I can't see many men accepting another mans name for his child. He is saying he would use a name of yours which is reasonable.

I would double barrel your surname anyway and name the baby his surname personally.

It's just a name and won't really matter as they grow up. Your daughter will marry and possibly take her husbands name so Jones will be lost anyway and then you can drop the Jones later on.

What is the age difference of the children?

I work for the nhs. Lots of mums keep their name even though married but the children have the married name. It doesn't really matter anymore.

Hubblebubble · 14/09/2023 07:05

It does matter when it comes to airport security. If you're not going to have the same name as your child, then get extra copies of the birth cert as you'll have to show them

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 07:08

Hubblebubble · 14/09/2023 07:05

It does matter when it comes to airport security. If you're not going to have the same name as your child, then get extra copies of the birth cert as you'll have to show them

This isn't true. I grew up with a.different surname to my mother. We travelled fine.

Just a couple of months ago, I flew my stepchild with me to our Caribbean country as her grandparents are living there. Was just me and my kids and her. None of her parents. The bunch of us have different surnames and she isn't my child. No problems there either.

This is a myth.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 14/09/2023 07:09

It's just a name and won't really matter as they grow up. Your daughter will marry and possibly take her husbands name so Jones will be lost anyway and then you can drop the Jones later on.

Wow.

FannyBawz · 14/09/2023 07:17

Jesus Christ given the minimal input men have to childbirth you’d think they could stop being such entitled tests about this .

my sisters kids all have different names and I know she hates it.

Comtesse · 14/09/2023 07:20

He doesn’t believe in marriage but he does believe in patriarchal naming conventions? He’s being an arse. Yanbu.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 14/09/2023 07:45

FFSWhatToDoNow · 14/09/2023 07:09

It's just a name and won't really matter as they grow up. Your daughter will marry and possibly take her husbands name so Jones will be lost anyway and then you can drop the Jones later on.

Wow.

Wow indeed. This kind of message is why I've always felt like I don't really belong because my name was only on loan until i got married. Only I'm almost 40 and unmarried. So failed at that too. Not only was I a lesser member of my own family but no man wanted to give me his name either.
Until I "stole" my sons and changed it by deed poll. Although I've been told that's not "really" my name either.

And before anyone says "don't be silly. That's not true, you didn't fail and weren't less", that's the messages I've been given my whole life. And whilst I don't believe it it is what I've always been told.

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 07:51

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:41

Because she had a thing about appearing to be an unmarried mother. Now she want this child to seem as if it's father is also her ex. It's creepy, Misery type behaviour.

Show quote history

I wouldn't call it creepy but yes I agree it's not what I would want for my child. I'd hyphenate mum and dad's names

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 07:52

FannyBawz · 14/09/2023 07:17

Jesus Christ given the minimal input men have to childbirth you’d think they could stop being such entitled tests about this .

my sisters kids all have different names and I know she hates it.

Why didn't she give them all her name?

Naunet · 14/09/2023 07:57

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:41

Because she had a thing about appearing to be an unmarried mother. Now she want this child to seem as if it's father is also her ex. It's creepy, Misery type behaviour.

Show quote history

Oh grow up. She took the same name as her daughter, why does everyone claim she ‘took’ it from her ex rather than her daughter? Because women and girls can’t own names? Dated, misogynistic bullshit.

GabriellaMontez · 14/09/2023 07:57

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:39

Yes, I've worked with parents who have challenged names in court in comparable situations. They've never let the child stay in the name of a person who is not the biological father unless he was abusive.

And I've also seen it as part of parental alienation cases where it was pointed out the mother is doing it for revenge or spite. Name might have stayed, child went to the other parent.

Show quote history

A list of 'Things that never happened'.

Naunet · 14/09/2023 08:01

ohmyohmy123 · 14/09/2023 06:49

He is going to take a stand on this as it is your ex's name - I can't see many men accepting another mans name for his child. He is saying he would use a name of yours which is reasonable.

I would double barrel your surname anyway and name the baby his surname personally.

It's just a name and won't really matter as they grow up. Your daughter will marry and possibly take her husbands name so Jones will be lost anyway and then you can drop the Jones later on.

What is the age difference of the children?

I work for the nhs. Lots of mums keep their name even though married but the children have the married name. It doesn't really matter anymore.

I work for the nhs. Lots of mums keep their name even though married but the children have the married name. It doesn't really matter anymore

Yeah it doesn’t really matter does it, just silly women being silly, oh unless you’re a man of course, and then it really matters and is very serious 🙄

ohmyohmy123 · 14/09/2023 08:09

Too many people are getting away from
The fact that it is her ex husbands name. Irrelevant of whether the child has the same surname.

I would not take the name of my husbands ex wife if he had one. Nor would I want my child to have that name.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 14/09/2023 08:33

Too many people are projecting here I think

the point is the OP has come up with a sensible compromise but her OH doesn’t want it.

she doesn’t want her child to have a completely different surname to her mum and sister and so given the OH has rejected the sensible idea she put forward then the OP’s suggestion is most sensible. It’s her name at the end of the day and the origins are not relevant. The OH could stop being such an arse and agree the double barrelling. He won’t so why should the alternative be he gets is own way and the baby doesn’t get to share a name with her mum and sister. So what if it bashes his fragile ego to have a baby with “another man’s name”.

Stick to your guns OP he and his name are not more important than you and yours.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/09/2023 08:46

I hate this mentality of 'it's another man's name'...its literally your name, legally and practically. You have a daughter with the same name. I'd go for whatever you like, of eh won't marry you then again its fully your choice legally, and his moral arguments don't stand up.

monsteramunch · 14/09/2023 08:48

@Appleontherocks

Yes, I've worked with parents who have challenged names in court in comparable situations. They've never let the child stay in the name of a person who is not the biological father unless he was abusive.

And in these cases, the surname in question was also that of the mother?

And I've also seen it as part of parental alienation cases where it was pointed out the mother is doing it for revenge or spite. Name might have stayed, child went to the other parent.

And in these cases, the name issue was one of the deciding factors in a child being removed from one parent?

Sure... Hmm

FFSWhatToDoNow · 14/09/2023 09:09

ohmyohmy123 · 14/09/2023 08:09

Too many people are getting away from
The fact that it is her ex husbands name. Irrelevant of whether the child has the same surname.

I would not take the name of my husbands ex wife if he had one. Nor would I want my child to have that name.

So if you were marrying an enlightened man that had previously changed their name to that of their wife, what would happen? You both keep your own names? What do any children get named?

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 09:22

monsteramunch · 14/09/2023 08:48

@Appleontherocks

Yes, I've worked with parents who have challenged names in court in comparable situations. They've never let the child stay in the name of a person who is not the biological father unless he was abusive.

And in these cases, the surname in question was also that of the mother?

And I've also seen it as part of parental alienation cases where it was pointed out the mother is doing it for revenge or spite. Name might have stayed, child went to the other parent.

And in these cases, the name issue was one of the deciding factors in a child being removed from one parent?

Sure... Hmm

If you search family court hearings, you'll find plenty of cases where the name of the child was a factor in parental alienation.

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 09:24

Naunet · 14/09/2023 07:57

Oh grow up. She took the same name as her daughter, why does everyone claim she ‘took’ it from her ex rather than her daughter? Because women and girls can’t own names? Dated, misogynistic bullshit.

Show quote history

She said she changed it to his name

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 09:26

GabriellaMontez · 14/09/2023 07:57

A list of 'Things that never happened'.

Show quote history

Feel free to search it up

billy1966 · 14/09/2023 09:29

OP,

Be very careful.

Sounds like you are having an unplanned baby with a man who has no intention of marrying you.

You need to think worst case scenario and the relationship doesn't survive.

What is easier in that situation name wise?

Your baby having YOUR name whatever it is.

It is that simple.

Men like to picknand choose the bits of "tradition" they like.

You are not married, the baby does NOT have his name.

Getting engage would not be enough as it could be ended instantly.

You are where you are and there is no point marrying someone who clearly does not want to marry you.

However, you need to protect yourself and your baby.

Give the baby the same name as you use and your other child uses, that will make your life easier in the long run.

monsteramunch · 14/09/2023 09:35

@Appleontherocks

If you search family court hearings, you'll find plenty of cases where the name of the child was a factor in parental alienation.

A deciding factor? In cases that match OP's circumstances (you said specifically you were talking about 'comparable situations') which are simply that she isn't willing for their child to have his name only but is more than happy to compromise by double barrelling with her existing surname alongside his?

Simply untrue.

CuriousGeorge80 · 14/09/2023 09:59

Some of the replies on here! People are crazy. He agrees to get married so you all have the same name. If not, it’s either double barrelled or your name. That’s honestly the end of the discussion. A man doesn’t get to dictate that a baby has his name instead of the baby’s mum.

I don’t like double barrelled names really but that is what our DD has as despite being married my wife and I do not have the same surname (neither of us wanted to change). Life is about compromises, your DP needs to learn that!