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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname issue

498 replies

roopertbear · 10/09/2023 21:50

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

OP posts:
Saoirse82 · 10/09/2023 22:12

Your name or double barrelled, he can take a frigging run and jump!

UnsolicitedOpinions · 10/09/2023 22:13

I’m a bit surprised that nobody so far can see his point of view at all.

I don’t know what the solution is though.

I can see why would think it isn’t really “fair” - you were happy to change your name to your ex-partner’s name without even being married. You gave your first child your ex’s name and didn’t insist on keeping yours then.

Now you’re having his child, you won’t give it his name, because you insist on them having the same surname as you, and you won’t change it from your ex’s name as it’s your first child’s name.
So unless it’s double-barrelled, why he doesn’t like, he seems to have no choice but to have his child named after your ex partner.

I wouldn’t be thrilled about that either.

I don’t know what the answer is. The problem is that your first child’s name is a fixed thing now, and all your options revolve around that.

I can’t see what else can be done given your feelings, except double-barrelling. I don’t like double-barrelled names either, so I can understand his feelings on that too.

SuperiorM · 10/09/2023 22:13

FloweryWowery · 10/09/2023 22:01

Is it not the convention that if unmarried, the mother's name is used?

It certainly was the way, but people frequently choose man’s surname if not married these days. One person we know bucked the trend as she hated the locally very common name, Badcock, and preferred her Scottish surname, picking a Scottish forename to match.

OP, I think go for your current surname or your DPs since both are not actually your given surname

JustMarriedBecca · 10/09/2023 22:14

Why not Jones Smith?

towriteyoumustlive · 10/09/2023 22:14

I don't understand why you'd want your baby with your new partner to have your ex partners surname!

I'd go with Smith.

Or change your surname back to Brown or Green and give the baby the same name.

WaltzingWaters · 10/09/2023 22:16

Seems I’m going against the grain here, but I can very much understand that he wouldn’t want your ex’s name as the name of his child. I know it’s a tough one as you want to use your name, and usually I’d agree with that. But this is very different as you have taken your ex’s name, I can see why he’d be very uncomfortable with that.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:17

I don't understand why you'd want your baby with your new partner to have your ex partners surname!

it’s HER bloody surname!

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 22:18

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:02

Your child takes your name. If you were being generous you could double-barrelled.

Is there a risk he'll register the birth without you?

He cant

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 22:18

towriteyoumustlive · 10/09/2023 22:14

I don't understand why you'd want your baby with your new partner to have your ex partners surname!

I'd go with Smith.

Or change your surname back to Brown or Green and give the baby the same name.

But it's OP's surname. She changed it by deed poll. It's been her surname for most of her adult life. She shares it with her first child.

Her partner presumably knew all of this before she got pregnant.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:18

WaltzingWaters · 10/09/2023 22:16

Seems I’m going against the grain here, but I can very much understand that he wouldn’t want your ex’s name as the name of his child. I know it’s a tough one as you want to use your name, and usually I’d agree with that. But this is very different as you have taken your ex’s name, I can see why he’d be very uncomfortable with that.

It is 2023. Is it not time that we let women own their names and don’t consider them borrowed from a man?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/09/2023 22:18

towriteyoumustlive · 10/09/2023 22:14

I don't understand why you'd want your baby with your new partner to have your ex partners surname!

I'd go with Smith.

Or change your surname back to Brown or Green and give the baby the same name.

I agree, I see his point.

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/09/2023 22:19

Your name is Jones, either he gets on board with double-barrelling and its Smith-Jones or if he's so against double-barreling then its Jones. He has the problem, his name loses out. It's convention baby gets mums name, usually they're married to dad so that's same name as dad too.

In practice I'd say both parents want baby to have their name so double-barrel it is then both get what they want. However, if one party doesn't like double-barrelling, especially if they're against marriage that would result in them having the same name, they can lose out for being unreasonable and unwilling to compromise.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:19

we didn’t change names on marriage. DD has my surname and my husband’s as a second middle name.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 10/09/2023 22:19

Jones or Smith-Jones. He can choose. Jones is your surname, you didn't "get it from a man". You chose it.

travelallthetime · 10/09/2023 22:20

I can totally see his point. You want HIS baby to have your ex DP's surname. How would you feel is he had changed his surname to his ex partners and wanted the baby to have that name?

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:20

It's convention baby gets mums name, usually they're married to dad so that's same name as dad too.

actual rage. 😡

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2023 22:20

Did you know he was a sexist idiot before now? Always worth having these discussions before having babies. He can fuck off trying to bully you into this. Baby gets your name.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:20

travelallthetime · 10/09/2023 22:20

I can totally see his point. You want HIS baby to have your ex DP's surname. How would you feel is he had changed his surname to his ex partners and wanted the baby to have that name?

IT IS HER SURNAME.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 22:21

WaltzingWaters · 10/09/2023 22:16

Seems I’m going against the grain here, but I can very much understand that he wouldn’t want your ex’s name as the name of his child. I know it’s a tough one as you want to use your name, and usually I’d agree with that. But this is very different as you have taken your ex’s name, I can see why he’d be very uncomfortable with that.

I can see this side of the arguement. If you were married I'd say as you won't change your name and want to keep the same as your daughter then he should have his child named with his last name. However he won't marry you so tough shit to him. You get to choose. Choose whatever you want and don't over think it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2023 22:22

travelallthetime · 10/09/2023 22:20

I can totally see his point. You want HIS baby to have your ex DP's surname. How would you feel is he had changed his surname to his ex partners and wanted the baby to have that name?

It’s her baby too. Her name is her name. And unmarried women register babies so your whataboutery is daft.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 22:22

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:20

IT IS HER SURNAME.

Show quote history

Only coz she nicked it off someone else

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 22:23

Smones?

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 22:24

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 22:18

It is 2023. Is it not time that we let women own their names and don’t consider them borrowed from a man?

Show quote history

When they stop changing them to match a man's just because they married them?

parietal · 10/09/2023 22:24

can the baby be

FirstName MiddleName Smith Jones

(not double-barrelled), but more like the spanish system of having both parents names included.

Baby can be known as FirstName Jones on day-to-day paperwork (school register etc) but Smith is still there as an official name to include DPs role.

underneaththeash · 10/09/2023 22:25

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 22:22

Only coz she nicked it off someone else

Show quote history

To match her DD

OP Smith-Jones is fine. You're not married so just register the name yourself.

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