Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname issue

498 replies

roopertbear · 10/09/2023 21:50

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

OP posts:
Original poster
roopertbear · 13/09/2023 20:37

Lulakuka · 13/09/2023 20:04

As you changed your surname to your ex partners without marrying him, why not change your surname now to include your current partners. You have the double barrelled name rather than the child. Then each child can/will have their own fathers name and also their mothers and their mother will have both their names in hers

I knew we would marry so it made sense. It doesn't now.

OP posts:
NDWifeandMan · 13/09/2023 21:28

The crazies are out in full force OP but you said you'd push for double barrelled... what was your DP's reaction??

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/09/2023 22:03

Personally, I wouldn’t want my child having my partners ex’s name. I think you need to think again, tbh. I’ve kept my married name because I share it with my children, but I can’t imagine having a child with another man and giving them my ex’s surname. I think that’s just weird.

Original poster
roopertbear · 13/09/2023 22:27

NDWifeandMan · 13/09/2023 21:28

The crazies are out in full force OP but you said you'd push for double barrelled... what was your DP's reaction??

He has reluctantly ageed 'if there's no other option', which there isn't. He wants his name first but I don't agree so we're still undecided but at least we get both names.

OP posts:
Sucette · 13/09/2023 22:37

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/09/2023 22:03

Personally, I wouldn’t want my child having my partners ex’s name. I think you need to think again, tbh. I’ve kept my married name because I share it with my children, but I can’t imagine having a child with another man and giving them my ex’s surname. I think that’s just weird.

It's been op's name too her whole adult life though.

poetryandwine · 13/09/2023 22:41

The power is legitimately yours, OP. It’s your reward for growing this new human. Don’t give it away.

Velvian · 13/09/2023 22:42

I think the last part of the surname is the the most important, I would agree to that @roopertbear .

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/09/2023 23:11

So has mine 🤔
what’s that got to do with it? It’s still only mine because of another man.

poetryandwine · 13/09/2023 23:16

@Velvian hyphenated surnames are alphabetised according to the first part. And Latin cultures using two part surnames pass on only the first part of each parent’s name to DC.

I see your point instinctively but it is hard to validate

JustAnotherManicMomday · 13/09/2023 23:38

Do what's right for you.

NutellaNut · 13/09/2023 23:39

If you’re not married, it’s not up to him. Totally your choice. He doesn’t believe in marriage but he believes in old fashioned rules whereby the child takes the name of the father apparently. Double barrelling seems a sensible choice. If he doesn’t like it, tough!

Famousinlove · 13/09/2023 23:47

Does your ex know that you are going to give your child with DP his surname? Just wondering what his opinion on that is?

FFSWhatToDoNow · 13/09/2023 23:49

Heard about a twist on this earlier tonight.

A male friend has 2 children, both with his surname.
His fiancé has a child with her surname. They both want to change their surnames when friend and fiancé get married.

Only trouble is 2 of the children have the same first name.

Friend has told stepchild that their father probably won’t be happy with her changing her name to someone she isn’t biologically related to.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 13/09/2023 23:52

FFSWhatToDoNow · 13/09/2023 23:49

Heard about a twist on this earlier tonight.

A male friend has 2 children, both with his surname.
His fiancé has a child with her surname. They both want to change their surnames when friend and fiancé get married.

Only trouble is 2 of the children have the same first name.

Friend has told stepchild that their father probably won’t be happy with her changing her name to someone she isn’t biologically related to.

If the child is under 16 and her father is named on her bc she won't be able to change her name without his permission anyway.

Sucette · 14/09/2023 00:23

Hopefully the voting has reassured you that you're not wrong op.

CallieQ · 14/09/2023 01:02

Smith, Jones , Brown, Green?

PastelLilac · 14/09/2023 03:06

roopertbear · 12/09/2023 18:19

I like this idea but 1) I don't know if DD's dad would allow, 2) DD is very much old enough for her name to be hers and a part of her identity- I don't just want to go changing it and 3) The surnames in the OP are fake and my mum's surname is actually double barrelled already so that wouldn't work unfortunately.

Show quote history

I had a friend at school who changed her surname when she was in Year 6, so 10 or 11 (so it matched her younger half siblings'). Your dd also has the option of changing her name by deed poll when she's 16. My mum did this because she hated her dad (he abused her mum).

If your mum's real surname is double barrelled then just take one of the names as your new surname by deed poll. Then your latest child can be Smith-Green and your older dd can change hers to Jones-Green either now or when she's 16. I kind of see why your DP doesn't want his child to have the same name as your ex.

Tandora · 14/09/2023 03:33

serena7 · 13/09/2023 19:12

Agree with this but for some reason MN has a strange double standard in these circumstances. If a man wanted to name a child after his ex that would be seen as totally strange and no one here would defend it.

Some people on MN seem to see a child as more the mother's child than the father's because she's the one who birthed it, but actually when all is said and done DNA wise it's as much his child as it is hers. Fair enough if she wanted to give it her family name because they are not married, but the ex's?

If I were the ex partner I would find that bloody weird, it undermines her current partner totally - and think maybe she is hoping for a reconciliation in the end.

Show quote history

Are you hard of hearing. IT’S OP’S NAME!!!!!

Tandora · 14/09/2023 03:44

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/09/2023 23:11

So has mine 🤔
what’s that got to do with it? It’s still only mine because of another man.

So wait. Women are firstly traditionally expected to suffer the indignity of changing their name (and therefore subsume their identity) to their partner’s on marriage , and simultaneously they are expected to accept that it will never truly be their name, it will always simply belong their partner. So what are married women then? Nameless humans who are just travelling around under the label of a man?

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:32

FFSWhatToDoNow · 13/09/2023 09:53

She did marry the ex.

It’s HER name. No familial attachment? She’s the baby’s MOTHER.

They could give the child ANY surname they like. There is no legal requirement for any familial link.

Show quote history

She changed her name to match a childhood ex. That's not a familial link

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:33

Tandora · 14/09/2023 03:33

Are you hard of hearing. IT’S OP’S NAME!!!!!

Show quote history

No she weirdly changed it to her exes name.

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 06:35

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:33

No she weirdly changed it to her exes name.

Show quote history

Yeah but now it is her name. If you asked what her name is that would be the answer.

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:35

Famousinlove · 13/09/2023 23:47

Does your ex know that you are going to give your child with DP his surname? Just wondering what his opinion on that is?

I'd be doing all I could to stop it if I was him. It's creepy.

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:36

roopertbear · 13/09/2023 16:39

We were together a decade and married and had a child together. Why is it being my ex's surname less preferable than it being the name of my abusive father?

Show quote history

Because he's not the baby's father!

Appleontherocks · 14/09/2023 06:39

monsteramunch · 13/09/2023 09:58

@Appleontherocks

You realise no court would support you putting a child in another man's name and will view that as a start of your parental alienation, right? You need to think very carefully about how you word this.

You think a court would be concerned about a mother choosing to give her child the same legal surname as her? Just because it's the name of her ex husband who she was later married to?Catch yourself on 😂

Yes, I've worked with parents who have challenged names in court in comparable situations. They've never let the child stay in the name of a person who is not the biological father unless he was abusive.

And I've also seen it as part of parental alienation cases where it was pointed out the mother is doing it for revenge or spite. Name might have stayed, child went to the other parent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread