Surname issue

[roopertbear]

More of a WWYD. Cannot agree on surname for our soon to be born child. Namechanged for this.

DP doesn't believe in marriage- fair enough. We have different surnames.

His surname- Smith- is the same as both his parents, paternal grandfather etc.).

My surname- Jones- is my ex DP's name. I changed it over a decade ago by deedpoll to match my DD. This has been my surname my whole adult life nearly. It's on all my documents and I don't go by my maiden name at all. DD has a very involved father and I can't change her surname. I also don't want to have a different surname to her.

My maiden name (Brown) is my father's name who I am no contact with. My mother has a totally different surname (Green).

I want to double-barrell Smith-Jones. DP wants just Smith. He hates double-barrell so said it can't be both names. I said fine, just Jones then. He is very much against that as it's not my 'real' name and it is essentially another man's name (though aren't they all?). He said if we don't go for Smith, we should go for Brown. But that's not my name and I've no intention to reverting to it. He said we should go for Green then, but it's the same issue. I don't want to have a surname that is not the same (or partly the same in the case of a double barrell) with either of my children, but we totally disagree.

The not getting married is not an issue, although I happily would, but I am not giving my child just DP's name if it's not also partly my surname (I'd become a Smith-Jones if we married- DC would then just be Smith). AIBU? Which name would you pick?

We were together a decade and married and had a child together. Why is it being my ex's surname less preferable than it being the name of my abusive father?

Smith-Jones.

Without a doubt.

And I would do that even if married ( unless he changed his name to mine, in which case it would be my surname only).

I wouldn’t change my name in marriage.

Bloody hell: why does he think he has a say over your name? It’s yours! His ‘compromise’ involves you going through yet another name change, etc.

Why should you re-brand yourself every time you enter a new relationship, married or not, or have another child? A jar of jam to have your label changed… while he just stays secure in his family name with no changes, and tells you what to do.

Double-barrel and tell him to cop on or fuck off.

Because its your ex.. would it not be wierd if Brad Pitt said to Angelina Jolie 'yea ok we'll have kids babe but name it after Jennifer Aniston cos i prefer that' come on man. However you bought your name, made it up, chose it or married in to it. Its another mans name (it being the ex is an issue) and not a family name. Your other kid got it and you gave that dad the honour of that, just because the dynamics different and doesnt suit this time around you're pushing quite an emotionally offensive thing to a man who's only asking the same thing? I mean its your life but yea, very unusual. Also irrelevant whether you were together 10 minutes or 10 years, you're not now and you're placing more importance on his surname and your selfishness 'its difficult to change' over a partner you're about to parent with. I wouldnt even have the balls to ask let alone argue it

If its not that big of a deal why not go the whole hog and just name it after your ex if its a boy and after your ex mother in law if its a girl. Better yet, after your currents partners ex's!! Its only a name eh 🙄🙄

@kaylawayla

Because its your ex.. would it not be wierd if Brad Pitt said to Angelina Jolie 'yea ok we'll have kids babe but name it after Jennifer Aniston cos i prefer that' come on man.

That's entirely different though. To be even comparable, the Brad Pitt in your scenario would actually have already changed his name to Brad Aniston a decade ago. And already have an existing child with the last name Aniston.

@kaylawayla The OP herself married and took the ex’s name. Your analogy only works if Brad Pitt legally became Brad Aniston and became professionally known by that name. Enough said.

I cba to go back and quote her. She said in a post it wasnt the right thing to do and looking back wouldnt have. Great. So now a man has to suffer an ex's name to his child cos a teenager was angry at one point?.

As for brad and jen, it was an example - its people with big names who people could imagine this very weird senario. lets not split hairs over something very minute- 2 people pro created without discussing quite a big factor, my analogy not suiting you isnt a priority. Also OP, invite the ex to be birthing partner, its only right!

Good luck to Jones Junior x

@kaylawayla

Are you alright mate?

You sound ever so worked up.

Smith Jones is a perfect compromise and will make life easier at the airport

I like Smith as a middle name OP

@monsteramunch good as gold hun, you?. the lady asked a ridiculous WWYD and i gave the opinion of WIWD. I mean i wouldnt just buy a name to start with to piss of my parents and i def wouldnt give my separate child the heritage of a guy i was with before. Pretty simple stuff.

Wtf this cannot be serious???

Of course it's not true!! There are some weird posters on here today.

Its origin is irrelevant. It is HER name now.

I would always push for my child to have the same name as me, whatever that was. Whether we like it or not, mothers tend to be the parents who stick around. Too many children stuck with the name of an absent or uninvolved father who doesn't deserve the honour.

Agree with this but for some reason MN has a strange double standard in these circumstances. If a man wanted to name a child after his ex that would be seen as totally strange and no one here would defend it.

Some people on MN seem to see a child as more the mother's child than the father's because she's the one who birthed it, but actually when all is said and done DNA wise it's as much his child as it is hers. Fair enough if she wanted to give it her family name because they are not married, but the ex's?

If I were the ex partner I would find that bloody weird, it undermines her current partner totally - and think maybe she is hoping for a reconciliation in the end.

@Serena7 this is the OP’s own name now. In the case of a difference of opinion, the law is on her side as she is allowed to register the DC alone in the name of her choosing. The father is not.

OP has indicated that if the father were to marry her she would be open to giving DS his name. Seems to be he is being inconsistent with his principles. And his so called alternatives absolutely reek of Clever Male Undergraduate Syndrome, say I who have taught many.

Very much not interested in getting back with ex. It was me who broke things off in the end and as much as it was difficult for him it was ultimately the right decision.

Also, I don't really want to give just my name if I'm honest. I'd prefer a double barrell because I do think his name is important and it isn't my ex's child. It's DP who has a problem with this, not me.

My DC have both. DPs first, then mine. No hyphen. I said they can then choose to use both or either. His name is awful tbh and I didn’t want to be referred to as Mrs (his surname) at school etc. Instead his name is sometimes mistaken for a middle name (and left off) or he gets called Mr (my surname)!!

I really regretted not using my own name!

OP,

Why not offer the choices

Smith-Jones
Jones-Smith
Smith Jones (Smith as middle name)?

In a hyphenated name you might want to look into which one will be used in official situations when hyphenated is not necessarily accepted, particularly uf the combo is long

As you changed your surname to your ex partners without marrying him, why not change your surname now to include your current partners. You have the double barrelled name rather than the child. Then each child can/will have their own fathers name and also their mothers and their mother will have both their names in hers

Yep, this thread has brought some crazy people out 😅

My DD's dad and I had a similar issue when our son was born. Although he agreed to double-barrelled eventually, it then became a debate around who's surname would go first!
I'm not keen on double barrelled names, and I don't think my son's surnames go particularly well together, but for us, it was the only option. Like you, OP, there was no way either of us would've accepted our son having a different surname to one of us, so it was the only solution.
Your partner needs to compromise on this (and making suggestions that he knows are ridiculous, does not constitute an attempt at meeting in the middle!) so don't back down; definitely either your name or double barrelled. Dad's surname as a middle name is also a good shout, but if it's a vanity thing, your DP will obviously argue that your child's middle name will rarely be used, so he probably won't go for that either.
Good luck! Hope you can come to an agreement