To tell his partner we slept together?

[kuzmichtm]

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

I have a 15 year old DS with my ex H, we split nearly 6 years ago and I got into another relationship, I have a 18 month old with him but we split when he was a couple months old as he was very abusive towards me. He doesn't have any involvement. My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn't any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

He came over last night to bring DS1’s school bag, DS1 was out and my mum had my youngest. I invited him to have some drinks and he agreed and we ended up sleeping together.

He's been in a relationship for 3 years but I'm not sure where I should tell her or not.

WIBU?

Yeah you should tell her. Tell her you decided to invite him in for drinks, fuck him & want to ruin there relationship so you can have him for yourself. But that won't happen will it? Because he'll absolutely hate you for it and won't be able to look at you. Then where will you be? Go ahead ... 🙂

Your comment suggests he was a hopeless innocent, that it was all OP's doing and her ex had no capacity to make decisions himself. And as for saying he will hate the OP well as long as OP is aware of the possibility I cannot see why this should be a reason not to tell his new partner. If he doesn't want his partner to know he shouldn't have done it

@autumniscomingsoon I'm talking about the OPS actions here. Not his. He's a grown man and decided to screw up his relationship. She's asking a question and I've answered it.

I hope your next thread isn't going to be @kuzmichtm

"To tell his partner we slept together and I am now pregnant"
🙄

Op quit the bollocks, you invited him to 'come in and have drinks' knowing exactly what you wanted to happen.

@Willyoujustbequiet 😒

I've said he IS to blame many times now, I cannot be any clearer. I'm sorry you are incapable of reading and understanding this. Your degeneration suggest that maybe you just skipped misogyny and headed straight for misanthropy.

I think there's too much cognitive dissonance going on with many posters fearing it could theoretically be their partner with the wayward cock.

They literally Don't. Want, To. Know.

I thought you said you couldn't be arsed to keep replying lol. No what you actually said is that they both were. Whether you understand this or not its misogynistic to minimise the actions of a man and seek to apportion blame equally on the woman when it's the man who was unfaithful.

It's not misanthropy to state a married man cheating is the one in the wrong. That's simply laughable.

Its unfortunate that often internalised misogyny is so deep rooted some people are don't have the emotional intelligence to recognise this within themselves. To that end I would always encourage anyone to read up on feminist theory. I would hope it might help you understand.

I can see that you're at the point of having your posts deleted so will leave it there. The need for the last word thankfully disappears with age/maturity and I'm really too old to want to continue this dance with you. Thank you for engaging and I hope you enjoy your day.

Unless you have a need to let her know about an STI that you may have passed on - but maybe that would be better to tell ExH & let him handle it.

You simply cannot read my dear and have ignored everything I have said, making your responses have no value whatsoever.

Also you are a total hypocrite.

To that end I would always encourage anyone to read up on feminist theory.

They can't understand who's responsible when an individual signs their own marriage contract, I wouldn't hold out much hope.

You can't behaved badly if you haven't signed a contract? If I slap you, I guess that's fine because there's no contract saying I wouldn't? Bizarre logic. Blame is not finite.

Like I said, people don't understand marriage contracts.

This isn't the worst false equivalence I've ever seen, but I've not been following very closely. I guess someone else might have likened a free agent having consensual adult sex to murder or child abuse though, they usually do.

Ok. You could say it's ok if a boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend because there's no marriage contract.

You can't blame a bully for being an arse because bullying isn't against the law.

A marriage contract isn't what makes cheating wrong.

It's wrong to cheat on your partner because of the betrayal and heartbreak you cause. It's wrong to knowingly participate as an OW/OM because you are enabling the above and if it's an ongoing thing, it's even more awful.

So, if a single bloke slept with a woman knowing that she was married he would be completely innocent?

@Willyoujustbequiet But they are both to blame.

The man is obviously more at fault here as he is in a relationship but she’s been very aware of his partner for the past three years but she still decided to spread her legs for him. You can’t sleep with a man you know is married/ in a relationship and claim to be blameless.

@BeggyMitchell
If she wants the partner to know so badly she should be encouraging him to tell her. It’s not her place to tell her.
It matters who it comes from and it absolutely should be him who tells his partner not the ex.

So as I said, it's no good directing someone towards complex feminist theory when they don't understand:

a) who is responsible when they sign a contract

b) who is responsible when they make a personal sexual commitment

c) why consensual adult sex isn't comparable to assault, bullying or whatever other ridiculous false equivalence they need to make to square the fact that they can't understand a) and b).

Basically, they want Dick to make a personal commitment to them regarding his bodily autonomy, but then for every woman in the world to be responsible for it. They REALLY want this, by the way. You will never, ever get them to see why personal sexual commitments bind only the person who made them and you will never get them to see how personal relationships aren't compatible to assault etc.

At the end of the day, they have imbibed the misogynistic idea that women are responsible for men straying - on any level, but usually at least equally if not more so - and they will cling on to this like dogs with bones. They'll get abusive over it, they'll display cognitive dissonance like you've never seen over it. It's that important to them that a married man isn't wholly responsible for where he puts his dick.

But that doesn't make them right.

They aren't both to blame. He's married, the OP isn't. It's really not that difficult.

They are both to blame.

OP is responsible for her poor boundaries , and is responsible for sleeping with her ex, and compromising the otherwise positive co-parenting relationship. She is also responsible for knowingly having sex with a man in a relationship.

Her ex husband is responsible for his poor boundaries, going into his ex's house for drinks, sleeping with OP, and compromising the co-parenting relationship. He is also responsible for cheating on his partner.

I'm going out on a limb here that he might have an inkling that the OP would be open to something happening/holds a torch still and the OP has engineered a situation where something could happen between them. He's taken the opportunity for an easy shag and the ego boost and the OP's hoping that if she can justify telling his partner then her and ex might have a future.

Spot on. The idea that the OP shouldn't bear any responsibility in this is truly idiotic.

I don't think this is a good thing to do.

The only thing worse than this situation is the fact that it's likely to happen again.

But he kept his girlfriend secret from op. How could she contact someone she didn’t know existed? Ad far as she knew she was sleeping with a single man.