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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his partner we slept together?

226 replies

kuzmichtm · 10/09/2023 17:35

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

I have a 15 year old DS with my ex H, we split nearly 6 years ago and I got into another relationship, I have a 18 month old with him but we split when he was a couple months old as he was very abusive towards me. He doesn't have any involvement. My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn't any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

He came over last night to bring DS1’s school bag, DS1 was out and my mum had my youngest. I invited him to have some drinks and he agreed and we ended up sleeping together.

He's been in a relationship for 3 years but I'm not sure where I should tell her or not.

WIBU?

OP posts:
NewName122 · 10/09/2023 21:15

Op of course you shouldn't tell her. What is wrong with you. Grow up.

newnamethanks · 10/09/2023 21:17

Put your knickers back on OP. Why do you want to tell her? Only one reason isnt there? It won't go how you think, he will hate you for it. Effed up on so many levels. How old are you?

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 21:19

And telling the OP to keep her legs shut is misogynistic

The internalised misogyny on this thread is rife. What about his legs? The one in a relationship - can he wave his cock about like there's no tomorrow then?

NoTouch · 10/09/2023 21:19

What a bloody mess. Please say your contraception is rock solid....

NoTouch · 10/09/2023 21:22

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 21:19

And telling the OP to keep her legs shut is misogynistic

The internalised misogyny on this thread is rife. What about his legs? The one in a relationship - can he wave his cock about like there's no tomorrow then?

Im sure if the ex was the one posting he would be getting much worse. But he isnt, so people reasonably are commenting to the op on their poor behaviour and personal accountabilty rather than his.

MsDogLady · 10/09/2023 21:30

My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn’t any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

@kuzmichtm, what sort of relationship do you have with his Partner?

Doesn’t she help to care for DS1? Has she also helped to look after DS2 on occasion?

You two have made a fool of this woman who has trusted for 3 years that this wouldn’t happen. Was she even mentioned before or after the illicit sex?

She’s in the dark and that is deeply unfair.

newnamethanks · 10/09/2023 21:31

OP is the one asking the question, not her ex. So she's getting the replies. It's not misogynistic for one woman to advise another to not fuck up another woman's life just because she can. Rather the reverse. It won't be the bloody cock waver who comes off worst out of this unnecessary mess.

DiddlyDonut · 10/09/2023 21:38

I think that's dreadful. I reckon you knew exactly what you were doing when you invited him in for drinks. He's awful too.

His partner deserves to know, but I feel like you want her to know for your own selfish reasons.

Spaghettine · 10/09/2023 21:41

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 21:19

And telling the OP to keep her legs shut is misogynistic

The internalised misogyny on this thread is rife. What about his legs? The one in a relationship - can he wave his cock about like there's no tomorrow then?

Perhaps the leg comment is a bit much, I hate that phrase.

There's nothing else on this thread indicating misogyny however.

Accountability is not misogyny. Interested to hear the other examples of rife misogyny

Channellingsophistication · 10/09/2023 21:47

Why tell her? What do you want to happen? I think you have to think about the motivation behind it…

Dweetfidilove · 10/09/2023 21:52

@kuzmichtm , for the sake of your children, keep your mouth shut and leave that man’s partner.

Katbum · 10/09/2023 21:58

Yes tell her.

CalamityJanePain · 10/09/2023 22:00

Be honest....

You invited him in for drinks so.you could get him pissed, have sex with him, then tell his DP to wreck his relationship so.you can get him back, right?

If you're totally honest with yourself, that's what you did.

However, that's not what will happen. He won't thank you for it and he won't come running back. You were manipulative and took advantage of a situation you meticulously manufactured.

I have a feeling your manipulative ways are possibly why the relationship ended in the first place

Toenailz · 10/09/2023 22:02

You're not a nice person, OP. Neither is he, but he's not here asking the question.

You're also transparent as fuck. Like PP said, you weren't thinking about telling her when it was happening, so why an attack of the morals now? Feel good about yourself, do you? That's sad.

Don't usually comment on these sorts of threads but you're vindictive as fuck. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you OP, hence why he's with her. If you tell her, she'll probably not chuck him, either.

Lesina · 10/09/2023 22:13

Just behave. Don’t tell her. You will gain absolutely nothing.

Hardhattime · 10/09/2023 22:18

Can't stand these posts. You knew exactly what you were doing. And yes, he made his choices too, but don't come looking for sympathy/justification here. Just do whatever you want...you will anyway.

Fallingthroughclouds · 10/09/2023 22:25

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/09/2023 20:47

Don't be so ridiculous. He broke his vows and the trust. You can't possibly say cheating on a spouse is the same as telling someone you have no duty or loyalty to that something has happened.

And telling the OP to keep her legs shut is misogynistic.

Show quote history

I didn't say they were the same, I said they were as bad, and we are talking about what she has done, not him. Spouting your mouth off because you have slept with someone's husband, knowing it will ruin their relationship, jeopardise your co-parenting and upset you child, is pretty awful. That's the joy of these threads we don't all have to have the same opinion.

Also if you are trying to be moralistic, maybe don't tell people to stop being ridiculous either (personally I prefer mild misogyny in this case over overtly patronising), but as I've said I think it's OK to express different opinions. With that mind it's fine you lowered yourself to my level and let rip with the insults. Welcome aboard!

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 22:28

Of course you shouldn't tell her. Why would you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2023 22:34

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 22:28

Of course you shouldn't tell her. Why would you.

So his partner kicks him out and OP can have him back and pretend he’s the younger one’s dad and it’s all rosy happy families again.

Rewis · 10/09/2023 22:38

In thia case I wouldn't. If it was a random then yes. But you have to co-parent with your ex and while sleeping together already will cause some tension it will be nothing compared to the issues that will come from you telling the wife and your child will be in the middle.

Billi80 · 10/09/2023 22:39

OP don’t tell her, it’ll only cause chaos and the DC need to be considered first in terms of the fall out this will cause. Try and put him back in the past. He was there for a reason. We all make mistakes, but move on. Onwards and upwards.

Fallingthroughclouds · 10/09/2023 22:45

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 21:19

And telling the OP to keep her legs shut is misogynistic

The internalised misogyny on this thread is rife. What about his legs? The one in a relationship - can he wave his cock about like there's no tomorrow then?

If he was on here talking about it, we'd be suggesting he parked it in his pants too, but he's not. We're hardly going to ask her to pass on the message to him are we?

Waitymatey · 10/09/2023 22:54

That you ask this, makes me think you are planning on doing it and seeking validation.
But then, maybe you planned to tell her since the moment you poured that first drink

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2023 22:55

I'm normally of the 'tell' brigade but in this case there are too many people in your own world who would be hurt and there would be a great chance that their relationship with YOU would be destroyed.

Your ex would hate you, probably destroying the co-parenting relationship you have. Think how difficult this would make things for your son.

His partner would hate you. If their relationship should survive it will destroy her relationship with you and possibly affect her relationship with your son.

Your DS probably wouldn't hate you, but he'd probably be very angry. He may lose a great deal, if not all, respect for you. And it might possibly damage his trust in you.

You didn't 'make a mistake'. You deliberately chose a course of action that anyone with any sense knows is fraught with danger. Accept responsibility for that choice.

Tandora · 10/09/2023 22:57

CalamityJanePain · 10/09/2023 22:00

Be honest....

You invited him in for drinks so.you could get him pissed, have sex with him, then tell his DP to wreck his relationship so.you can get him back, right?

If you're totally honest with yourself, that's what you did.

However, that's not what will happen. He won't thank you for it and he won't come running back. You were manipulative and took advantage of a situation you meticulously manufactured.

I have a feeling your manipulative ways are possibly why the relationship ended in the first place

What?! Honestly this type of misogyny shouldn’t be allowed to stand. On mumsnet, or on anywhere 😡