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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his partner we slept together?

226 replies

kuzmichtm · 10/09/2023 17:35

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

I have a 15 year old DS with my ex H, we split nearly 6 years ago and I got into another relationship, I have a 18 month old with him but we split when he was a couple months old as he was very abusive towards me. He doesn't have any involvement. My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn't any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

He came over last night to bring DS1’s school bag, DS1 was out and my mum had my youngest. I invited him to have some drinks and he agreed and we ended up sleeping together.

He's been in a relationship for 3 years but I'm not sure where I should tell her or not.

WIBU?

OP posts:
TallerThanAverage · 10/09/2023 22:59

WorseDecision · 10/09/2023 17:54

No you don't tell her, home wrecker.

I think you’ll find he’s the one wrecking his home. I don’t condone the OPs actions however she’s not the one in a relationship.

Blue444 · 10/09/2023 23:01

This

Boomboom22 · 10/09/2023 23:01

What bs that if op tells she'll be responsible if they break up! Er, he slept with someone else. Wtf would you not want to know, no matter the motive! And how likely is it this is the only time, and if it is surely the gf needs to know he still wants his ex wife over her. What low standards.

Boomboom22 · 10/09/2023 23:05

I don't understand where people are getting wife amd children from? The op was the wife until 6 years ago, he has a gf of 3 years, highly unlikely they were living together the whole time. Op had a new relationship then her ex h parented the new born. Sounds like op left and he did not want her too, as she had a baby with someone else he moved on but now op needs him he'd rather go back to her.

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 10/09/2023 23:05

Why did you invite him in for a "drink"? You slept with him and now want to tell his partner to wreck his relationship? I mean you're both awful for sleeping together this is as much his doing as yours, he could have said no, but I do wonder what your agenda was here, you invited him in so it sounds like you instigated?

You shouldn't tell her, put firm boundaries in place and never mention it again, if you co-parent well why ruin it?

Boomboom22 · 10/09/2023 23:06

Ie if the new gf leaves the kids will not be affected.

susan123graeme · 10/09/2023 23:08

No - and next time just stick to an evening of Netflix - less complicated

hev126 · 10/09/2023 23:09

Why would you invite an exH in for drinks when his DC isn't there? Then accidentally sleep with him? And now take the moral hug ground and want to tell his poor DP? You sound all heart OP. So caring and thoughtful

justwatchingtelly · 10/09/2023 23:13

FOJN · 10/09/2023 17:50

You currently have a drama free co-parenting relationship why the hell would you mess that up? And who would suffer as a consequence? You owe it to your children to maintain some stability. Stop being selfish.

Do not tell his partner and do not spend time on your own with him again.

This

SpamFrittersYouSay · 10/09/2023 23:13

Your poor children. What a mess.

oakleaffy · 10/09/2023 23:16

Nohelpfromdr · 10/09/2023 17:39

I think OP just wants to split them up, inviting him for drinks then wanting to tell his partner …… although he sounds quite a catch 😵‍💫 perhaps his new partner needs to know so she can find someone better !!!

Show quote history

This in spades.

OP wants to split them up, get her ex husband back - the wife needs a far better quality man than this awful faithless bloke.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 10/09/2023 23:18

I am almost certain you would LOVE to tell his partner, nothing like spreading a little misery around. If you do tell her, she won't be jealous, she will just think you are both absolute scumbags who need to sort themselves out.

I actually think you will be doing her a favour if you do because you'll give her an opportunity to get two toxic people out of life and she can move on to bigger and better.

MorrisZapp · 10/09/2023 23:26

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2023 21:13

Sounds like this was your end goal all along. Premeditated. He clearly looked on it as having something handed to him on a plate, took advantage of that. Then off back to his wife he went. You do know he used you don’t you? If he wanted you, then he would still be in your bed now. But he isn’t.

God almighty. How, on mumsnet of all places, do we still have this endless prizing of men and trashing of women? The guy shagged his ex, hardly uncommon. But now the woman has to be scolded and devalued, while he 'doesn't want you' ie he's doing the choosing. Because he's a man.

The fact he's a cheater, meh. He still deserves to go home and have his house unwrecked by his own actions, while the woman is fucking disgusting and should close her legs.

If I heard this misogynistic guff coming out of the mouths of Coronation Street characters in the seventies I'd think it was over the top. A website for women in 2023, wtf. Bring back the Old Testament.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 10/09/2023 23:26

Mumsnet at its finest- hurt lady who has been cheated on and dares to say a bad word about other woman- its not her fault, totally the man's fault, he's the one with a commitment to her blah blah

Lady who has done the cheating- pages of hostility and rage directed against her.

Not saying which is right or wrong btw- just what a joke.

WetBandits · 10/09/2023 23:30

He came to ‘drop off a school bag’ when you just happened to be having a child-free evening with no other plans than to invite him in for a few drinks? I don’t buy the ‘I made a mistake’ excuse at all, this all sounds very planned…

Of course you want to tell her, but not because you think she deserves to know.

Bleuuuughhh · 10/09/2023 23:32

Tip of the day: don’t shag your ex and proceed to ask bored crones for sympathy.

Spaghettine · 10/09/2023 23:33

The guy shagged his ex, hardly uncommon. But now the woman has to be scolded and devalued, while he 'doesn't want you' ie he's doing the choosing.

I'm not sure I agree that he used her, but sorry, PP is absolutely right that he doesn't want her and that he is doing the choosing here.

That's not misogyny, that's the facts of the situation. He has two women: one who is ready to bed him and another who's none the wiser and hence still wants to be with him.

If it was a woman cheating on her bf with her ex, she'd be the one choosing and with the upper hand

Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 23:35

Did you get him drunk enough that he wasn’t able to consent, or just drunk enough that he was willing to have sex with you?

FiveShelties · 10/09/2023 23:40

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

If you think you have made a mistake sleeping with him, wait until you see the fall out if you tell her.

jlpth · 10/09/2023 23:45

He looks after ds2, who isn't even his kid, to help you out on occasion. And you would pay him back by destroying his relationship with this revelation? And in the process, destroy your co-parenting relationship? Telling his OH would seem rather counterproductive.

You would just be pressing the destruct button for no particular reason that I can discern (particularly as you can't really claim the moral high ground here). I feel like you would be reporting him to his OH for naughty behaviour when you were 50% of the behaviour, possibly more as you invited him to drink with you.

Confused
Summerbay23 · 10/09/2023 23:47

I’m not sure what you want to hear? He’s clearly a loser if he’ll happily cheat on his partner. However you’re not coming across very well here, also someone happy to sleep with someone who’s in a relationship (and then think it’s your place to start telling people how dreadful you’ve both been).

I say keep your mouth shut and focus on setting a healthy example to your children.

jays · 10/09/2023 23:56

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 21:19

And telling the OP to keep her legs shut is misogynistic

The internalised misogyny on this thread is rife. What about his legs? The one in a relationship - can he wave his cock about like there's no tomorrow then?

Absolutely agree, I reported that post. I’m actually disgusted and I’m appalled hearing comments like put your knickers back on etc… it’s really horrifying to hear.

readbooksdrinktea · 11/09/2023 00:14

You had a good co parenting relationship going and mutually decided to fuck that up. Well done, the both of you!

Someone should tell her what a shitshow she's involved in, especially if she's dealing with your kids while they're at their prince of a father's.

So she can get the hell out of this mess.

grumpycow1 · 11/09/2023 00:20

If you tell her, your relationship with the dad is fucked. Maybe make your SON the priority here and don’t totally F up your relationship with his dad… I don’t get what you hope to gain by telling her - to gloat? To break them up? Maybe if you think she should know, you could encourage him to tell her, but otherwise I would stay out of it for your son’s sake. It’s not a soap opera, it’s your son’s life. Sorry for the harsh words, not trying to be unkind, just honest.

Thatladdo · 11/09/2023 00:42

"Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake."

Smells quite deliberate to me 🤔