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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his partner we slept together?

226 replies

kuzmichtm · 10/09/2023 17:35

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

I have a 15 year old DS with my ex H, we split nearly 6 years ago and I got into another relationship, I have a 18 month old with him but we split when he was a couple months old as he was very abusive towards me. He doesn't have any involvement. My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn't any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

He came over last night to bring DS1’s school bag, DS1 was out and my mum had my youngest. I invited him to have some drinks and he agreed and we ended up sleeping together.

He's been in a relationship for 3 years but I'm not sure where I should tell her or not.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/09/2023 17:58

Why the concern for her now? You sure as hell didn't think of her sooner.

You need to start setting higher standards- for yourself, for your ex, for sex & relationships. There's no respect for anyone in this situation.

Dotcheck · 10/09/2023 18:02

Jesus.
Do I understand this correctly?
You live at your mum’s, you had to ship off your then 13 year old because you couldn’t house your children.
Your ex sometimes looks after your youngest. You ‘invite him in for drinks’, no doubt to sleep with him, and you are now wondering if you should tell your ex’s partner.

Be honest OP- are you hoping to get back with him so that you’ll have someone to look after you?

Iamclearlyamug · 10/09/2023 18:03

Ewww. What a trashy thing to do.

Of course you shouldn't bloody tell her, haven't you done more than enough? Although she clearly deserves better!

Raise your standards, grow up and stop opening your legs to somebody else's partner!

Although perhaps you two should get back together, least you wouldn't spoil a couple - you're very much deserving of each other

Willmafrockfit · 10/09/2023 18:06

your 15 year old DS would be very upset too

FlamingoFloss · 10/09/2023 18:07

Just wow

BadHairBae · 10/09/2023 18:08

This is messy.

His partner deserves to know, yes. But, it feels like this was a calculated decision on your part.

TripTrappingOverMyBridge · 10/09/2023 18:08

Willmafrockfit · 10/09/2023 17:49

of course not
how old are you? 14?

I think that's the real answer.

Comedycook · 10/09/2023 18:10

Don't tell her.

If things are amicable in terms of parenting the kids, then ffs be a responsible parent and don't cause more drama.

Pretend it never happened and don't do it again.

Comedycook · 10/09/2023 18:12

Do you want to tell her because you think she'll dump him and he'll come running back to you?

Malarandras · 10/09/2023 18:12

Please do not tell her. It is not your place to and coming from you will hurt her more. It’s your ex’s responsibility he is her partner - not you. What you should do is think about how to put some appropriate boundaries in place. And stop inviting him in for drinks. Unless you want him back? If you do then be open about it.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 10/09/2023 18:14

What do you do? Hang your head in shame at being such an utterly shitty person - both you and your ex. Leave the poor woman alone and stay away from your ex too.

1FootInTheRave · 10/09/2023 18:15

Sounds like an issue for Jeremy Kyle.

Tell her, she deserves to know what trash you both are.

BakedTattie · 10/09/2023 18:16

Kinda sounds like you planned the whole thing.

Thewizardbinbag · 10/09/2023 18:19

Did you plan it? Have you been after him?
Sex doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start it. You invited him for drinks, I’m guessing you made the first move and now you’re trying to split them up and then you’ll make another move on him?

It’s quite disgusting. Him for being a cheat and you for trying to work your way into getting him back. She deserves to know so she can leave the yucky cheater, but you’re not telling her to help her, you’re telling her because it’s part of the plan. So tell her, but don’t act like you’re on her side when you do.

Dery · 10/09/2023 18:24

Not read the full thread but I think you’re being really disingenuous here, OP. Your motives for telling her can only be bad. It reads like you’re looking for a way back to your ex because the next man you were with was bad news, so you want to blow up his relationship. Your 15 yo in particular doesn’t need the yucky drama which will ensue if you tell her. Don’t tell her. Don’t try to be social with him.

Sheldoncoopersspot · 10/09/2023 18:26

You knew what you were doing.

Hermittrismegistus · 10/09/2023 18:35

For the sake of your son you should keep quiet and stop acting like a Jeremy Kyle guest.

Rogue1001MNer · 10/09/2023 18:39

This reply has been deleted

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PickleDig · 10/09/2023 18:42

What a horrible thing you did. You invited him for drinks to ruin his relationship. He is also to blame.

Take some accountability for your life and behaviour.

NonMiDispiace · 10/09/2023 18:42

Better hope you’re not pregnant too 😵‍💫

Spaghettine · 10/09/2023 18:43

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 17:42

You weren't calling her to tell her when he got his willy out. Why would you call her now?

Omg this. Comes across as very bitter to go through with having sex and then tell her 🫤

WTF

This isn't a case where you found out after. You knowingly did that shit. The hell

RampantIvy · 10/09/2023 18:43

I have no words

Beckafett · 10/09/2023 18:44

No don't tell her. Why would you even consider it?
It seems like you want him back- why do it otherwise? I know you've said you've made a mistake; so has he- let him deal with it as I'm presuming he feels lots of remorse and will tell her himself.

GCAcademic · 10/09/2023 18:45

"Please be kind"

Translation:

"I'm a hideous human being, but don't call me out on it"

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 18:46

YABU

She should of course know but you should not be the one to tell her.

He can decide whether he wants to tell her or not.

You sound like you’re angry that he used you for sex (even though you were happy and willing at the time) and now you want to make him suffer for it.

There is no need for him to be coming into your home, especially not for drinks.

He now thinks that he can snap his fingers and you’ll drop to your knees for him.
Do not be an idiot again.
There are hundreds of men out there to have sex with. Do not choose the one person that’s going to make things complicated.