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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his partner we slept together?

226 replies

kuzmichtm · 10/09/2023 17:35

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

I have a 15 year old DS with my ex H, we split nearly 6 years ago and I got into another relationship, I have a 18 month old with him but we split when he was a couple months old as he was very abusive towards me. He doesn't have any involvement. My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn't any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

He came over last night to bring DS1’s school bag, DS1 was out and my mum had my youngest. I invited him to have some drinks and he agreed and we ended up sleeping together.

He's been in a relationship for 3 years but I'm not sure where I should tell her or not.

WIBU?

OP posts:
HoneyPotts · 10/09/2023 19:31

Why do you want to tell his partner?

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 19:32

Just wondering those of you encouraging her to keep quiet, would you be prefer to live in ignorance? In a deluded little bubble ? Praising & loving & shagging, probably cooking for your wonderful dick - led deceitful husband ?

Rubiconmango · 10/09/2023 19:44

No. You've done an unkind thing and want your home wrecking idea to be validated on here! His partner deserves better than the pair of you, but it's absolutely not your place to let the cat out the bag! It always starts with a drink, and soon that drink is to blame like its a person! People need to get a f grip and own their actions. Save money. Your poor kids are gonna need therapy!

Cowlover89 · 10/09/2023 19:49

Don't tell. He needs to

Hawkins0009 · 10/09/2023 19:54

what would be gained op ? @kuzmichtm

Sundance03 · 10/09/2023 20:01

You slept with him....chances are you'll both do it again... so I would tell the other woman so she can find a partner who actually cares about her and it means that you'll both be out of her life.... So she can be happy.
Although he sounds pretty horrible tbh and you sound very selfish so I would do something unselfish and tell his partner.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 10/09/2023 20:03

I would tell her. She needs to know what a massive, dirty, cheating PIG she is with.

Do her a favour, and tell him @kuzmichtm

Whether you are doing it for revenge or altruism or neither, who cares?! She needs to know.

I can't believe the posters on this thread, telling you to keep quiet! LOL, NO! Tell her!

JaneAustensHeroine · 10/09/2023 20:04

Why on earth would you say anything to his partner? That’s not the behaviour of someone who is ashamed. It’s the behaviour of someone who is actually quite pleased with themselves.

Nagado · 10/09/2023 20:05

I’m normally a big fan of letting the partner know if their loved one is up to no good, but what are your motives?

Ate you hoping they’ll break up and he’ll come back to you? Are you trying to make yourself feel less guilty by making him out to be the bad person? Is it some kind of revenge against your exh? Are you trying to spice up your life by creating some unnecessary drama? Or perhaps you’re just trying to upset the child you have with him?

Do you have any motives which don’t involve you being any more of an arsehole than you’ve already been? If not, then perhaps you should just keep your gob shut and draw some boundaries between you.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 10/09/2023 20:05

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 19:32

Just wondering those of you encouraging her to keep quiet, would you be prefer to live in ignorance? In a deluded little bubble ? Praising & loving & shagging, probably cooking for your wonderful dick - led deceitful husband ?

Exactly. It's utterly baffling isn't it? 'DON'T tell her!' is the majority suggestion on here. Why should she not know what a nasty cheating cunt her partner is? 'What's to be gained from it?' some ask... Not letting this poor woman devote any more of her heart and soul and life and time into a cheating dickhead. THAT'S what!

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 10/09/2023 20:06

JaneAustensHeroine · 10/09/2023 20:04

Why on earth would you say anything to his partner? That’s not the behaviour of someone who is ashamed. It’s the behaviour of someone who is actually quite pleased with themselves.

So?

CrazyHedgehogLover · 10/09/2023 20:07

If you value any coparenting relationship you and your ex have this includes his partner I personally wouldn’t tell her.

if you really have to be prepared for it to be a very long and awkward road until your children reach adulthood!

you know you’ve done wrong (I should hope) I would personally keep all contact completely limited to about the children moving forward and keep a distance if possible (other then when he collects the children of course)

if you really feel she needs to know, tell him to tell her the truth, I would rather it come from my husband then his ex tbh!

blahblahblah1654 · 10/09/2023 20:08

He isn't going to want to get back with you even if you do ruin his current relationship

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 10/09/2023 20:08

Usually I say tell the partner but there's a deep undercurrent in your posts, that you did this so you could tell his partner. And that's why you shouldn't tell her.

You should get someone else to do handovers until you can manage to be civil without having sex with him. Your standards and boundaries are non-existent. And as PPs have said you should be putting your DCs first.

SeulementUneFois · 10/09/2023 20:08

I think those people's logic is this:

  • it would be the right thing to do, and beneficial to the poor woman that's been cheated on, to tell her.
  • it would be beneficial to OP's kid(s) not to tell her (and blow co-parenting relationship etc up)
  • for those posters kid > woman, no matter anything else, ergo don't tell her.
diditbark · 10/09/2023 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I know which poster you mean, I don't think this OP is her.

I get the comparison though!

Treesinmygarden · 10/09/2023 20:10

Why did you split in the first place? Did he cheat on you? With her maybe?

What on earth would you actually say to her? Do they have kids together? Do you want him back?

His partner deserves the truth, but she doesn't deserve to hear it from you.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 10/09/2023 20:14

If OP is the poster who crops up at regular intervals then it seems as though she often struggles and that she lurches from crisis to crisis. It massively affects her DCs. This is one crisis where she can choose to limit the disruption to her DCs.
Plus if she is that poster then her ex provides more stability for her DCs so blowing up his relationship and potentially impacting how and when he can have the DCs, is not in the DCs' best interests either.
And yy her ex is just as culpable.
The entire thing is a mess.

givemeasunnyday · 10/09/2023 20:17

Whataretheodds · 10/09/2023 17:42

You weren't calling her to tell her when he got his willy out. Why would you call her now?

This. It's a bit late to start feeling virtuous now.

Of course you don't tell her.

Rogue1001MNer · 10/09/2023 20:19

Oh gawd @diditbark
There's more than one of them??? 😱🙈

NortieTortie · 10/09/2023 20:20

I think this is a v rare scenario where I'd advocate not telling her. Of course it's awful and his wife deserves to know, but your poor shared child would be so confused and stuck in the middle. What a mess, OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/09/2023 20:24

I am afraid that as others have said, you didnt care too much when you where having sex with him so you have no right to the moral highground now.

I think that you should talk to him though.

Do you want to get back together with him? Because on paper I am failing to see why you split up in all honesty, as you seem to think an awful lot of him and you seem very close.

Outerlimit · 10/09/2023 20:25

From personal experience, the price we pay for breaking relationship boundaries is regret and guilt. We need to own it and suffer in silence - spreading the pain doesn't diminish the impact we feel ourselves. Try to do better next time.

HipHipWhoRay · 10/09/2023 20:27

You have very poor boundaries. Your sons have to be at the foremost of your decisions, and you need your ex in your team for that. Stop sleeping with him. If you’ve experienced DV before, it’s likely you need help in how to recognise red flags,
and set boundaries.

WhatWhereWho · 10/09/2023 20:27

How many drinks had he had? Was he sober enough? How many drinks had you had?

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