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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his partner we slept together?

226 replies

kuzmichtm · 10/09/2023 17:35

Please be kind, I know I've made a mistake.

I have a 15 year old DS with my ex H, we split nearly 6 years ago and I got into another relationship, I have a 18 month old with him but we split when he was a couple months old as he was very abusive towards me. He doesn't have any involvement. My ex H has been helpful, he had DS1 living with him as there wasn't any space at my mums, he looked after DS2 on occasions.

He came over last night to bring DS1’s school bag, DS1 was out and my mum had my youngest. I invited him to have some drinks and he agreed and we ended up sleeping together.

He's been in a relationship for 3 years but I'm not sure where I should tell her or not.

WIBU?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 10/09/2023 18:48

What do you hope to gain by telling her?

Spaghettine · 10/09/2023 18:48

Surely nobody would come on here and ask this question, though? Baffling if true.

MinnieTruck · 10/09/2023 18:48

It sounds like you want to tell her just to have one up on her. ‘Oh just so you know ExH slept with me last night’ mic drop as you walk off

You don’t have good intentions for doing so, so why tell her? You slept with her partner and if anyone should say something it should be him.

Legale · 10/09/2023 18:50

Of course you should tell her, I don't think anyone would want to be with a cheater.

Geo42 · 10/09/2023 18:50

Why would you want to be so nasty. Grow up and act like decent human being!!

AgnesX · 10/09/2023 18:51

Wrong thread

Thoughtful2355 · 10/09/2023 18:52

dont tell her just because you will ruin your relationship with him

towriteyoumustlive · 10/09/2023 18:53

I hope you used contraception!

Just because you have two failed relationships doesn't give you the right to sabotage your exes relationship.

Plied him with alcohol then seduced him and now threatening to tell his partner?? The same guy who has looked after your kid that isn't even his!!

You really need to think long and hard about your decisions in life!

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 18:57

Yes the OP was unwise but why is everyone giving the ex~H a free pass?

Double standards clearly alive and kicking in 2023 ffs.

Lorelielee · 10/09/2023 18:59

No of course you can’t tell her, You have missed the boat there, I think HMS ‘Sisterhood’, well and truly sailed away the night you fucked her partner.

I just hope she isn’t in danger of catching any STD’s.

LolaSmiles · 10/09/2023 19:02

Yes the OP was unwise but why is everyone giving the ex~H a free pass?

Double standards clearly alive and kicking in 2023 ffs.

I think most people are thinking about what is best for the children, which is that the OP and her ex write off this as a shitty mistake, focus on keeping a positive co-parenting relationship, and have some boundaries moving forward.

Maybe I'm quite cynical but I wonder if the OP's desire to tell his partner is motivated by some hope that he'll come back to her.

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 19:03

If the H is that easily seduced I'd hazard a guess she's been in danger of catching STDs for quite some time now.

GCAcademic · 10/09/2023 19:03

BeggyMitchell · 10/09/2023 18:57

Yes the OP was unwise but why is everyone giving the ex~H a free pass?

Double standards clearly alive and kicking in 2023 ffs.

No one's giving him a free pass. It's just that he's not on the one who's started this thread hoping for validation to stick the boot into the innocent party in all this. If he had, I can promise you he'd be handed his arse in the same way, if not even more harshly.

Meadowflower2023 · 10/09/2023 19:03

@towriteyoumustlive I hope you used contraception!

Plied with alcohol and with the current situation, contraception wouldn't have been the first thought I'm sure. I would be pleasantly surprised if they had!

If you have anything about you OP you would not be considering telling her.

Bedonkedonk · 10/09/2023 19:06

FOJN · 10/09/2023 17:50

You currently have a drama free co-parenting relationship why the hell would you mess that up? And who would suffer as a consequence? You owe it to your children to maintain some stability. Stop being selfish.

Do not tell his partner and do not spend time on your own with him again.

I agree with this advice. Yes, of course his current partner does deserve to know that he is not trustworthy (clearly not such a catch after all for either of you IMO), but you have children together and they deserve stability to remain if possible - if you genuinely feel bad about this, restore boundaries, keep out of the way of him and be clear that you absolutely regret it.
Everyone makes mistakes. We all have egos and if you've suffered from an abusive relationship maybe you need to spend some time building up your sense of self and recovering from that...perhaps that is what has lead to you doing something that you recognise was not right. Take care.

Mumto1boyo · 10/09/2023 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whattodo112222 · 10/09/2023 19:16

Poor kids. That is all.

gamerchick · 10/09/2023 19:17

If you're bored and to no longer want to have a cordial relationship with your ex. Sure, go ahead.

It won't turn out like the picture you've got in your head. You'll gain nothing.

Original poster
kuzmichtm · 10/09/2023 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No. Just because I have a few drinks when DS2 wasn't with me, doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic and I don't shag anyone who looks at me. Last night was the first time since DS2 was born. DS2 lives with me full time, DS1 is 50/50. He briefly did live with his dad full time as there wasn't any room at my mums but I've moved out and am now renting again so its gone back to our old arrangements.

OP posts:
WunWun · 10/09/2023 19:19

Why would people be kind to you over treating his partner like shit and then wanting to rub her face in it?

You sound fucking awful.

lapsedbookworm · 10/09/2023 19:20

Redglitter · 10/09/2023 17:44

No because your motive for telling her isn't for her benefit. It's for yours.

Agreed

lapsedbookworm · 10/09/2023 19:24

towriteyoumustlive · 10/09/2023 18:53

I hope you used contraception!

Just because you have two failed relationships doesn't give you the right to sabotage your exes relationship.

Plied him with alcohol then seduced him and now threatening to tell his partner?? The same guy who has looked after your kid that isn't even his!!

You really need to think long and hard about your decisions in life!

She didn't "seduce him". He's not a passive actor in this. He was perfectly capable of deciding not to whip his pants off at the first sign of interest

lapsedbookworm · 10/09/2023 19:25

I think most people are thinking about what is best for the children, which is that the OP and her ex write off this as a shitty mistake, focus on keeping a positive co-parenting relationship, and have some boundaries moving forward.

Yes this is my biggest concern. That poor 15 year old being caught up in all this chaos

Riapia · 10/09/2023 19:26

You’d better be quick, someone on MN will already have identified him and be poised to reveal all.
You’ve given too much information away.

JugularBugular · 10/09/2023 19:28

Yeah, do it, you go girl! Do it for the sisterhood, f* the patriarchy!

Oh, wait, you’re the one he slept with?

Yeah, maybe don’t tell her.

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