Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 10/09/2023 19:34

Unless she has form for this kind of thing it sounds like she isn’t doing well mentally, maybe PND. I was pretty anxious about my PFB but no where near that crazy. Not wearing perfume or sharing person stories!?!

gabrielle7 · 10/09/2023 19:35

This is what she needs, we are all different. Just do the best you can to support her.

beachdays27 · 10/09/2023 19:36

These lists of rules are v common on tiktok - people encouraged to set clear boundaries etc. so although it seems strange to many here, your friend might not realise how it comes across if she thinks everyone else is doing it too

HoneyPotts · 10/09/2023 19:38

I know this is a classic MN response, but is your friend always this much hard work? Or is it out of character and she is just an anxious new mum?

Is her partner usually this controlling?

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/09/2023 19:39

Personally.... I'd go for gift and a wide berth

If you havent bought something already I would not ignore the gift list. Its pointlessly antagonistic and passive aggressive.

I'd send the gift and then drop a message saying something alone the lines of "hope you are all well. I imagine you have lots of visitors descending right now so let me know when things are calmer (maybe in a month or two) and we can catch up when youve regained your sanity things are more settled. Hugs and kisses etc."

Ohreallynotok · 10/09/2023 19:42

Honestly I really wanted to put some of these boundaries in place with visitors but was to worried about offending people to actually do it.
Surely no one wants anyone unwell around thier child and kissing babies is not good because of exposure so soon to everyone's germs.
I never felt comfortable breastfeeding on front of my friends/family either so I'd constantly have to leave the room, my birth was a bit traumatic and I was very sore for the first few weeks it didn't feel like the time for visitors and it drove me nuts to be honest. I didn't ever stop anyone coming but an hour is definitely long enough to visit at first, the babies don't care at that age about anyone other than mum really.
I also found advice maddening because everyone says somewhere different and even though it's coming from a good place if people want advice they ask no one really wants unsolicited advice in other areas of their life but everyone gives it to you when you first become mum.
I just thought I'd offer you my perspective as I wish I'd sent something like the text you got!

saraclara · 10/09/2023 19:43

"Congratulations! I got DH's message. I hope things are going okay. I think it's probably best of I pop round to see you and meet Junior when your feeling more comfortable and relaxed, but if I can be any help in the meantime, you know where I am."

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 10/09/2023 19:44

I'm at the "whatever the mum wants, the mum gets". You never know what's going on in those early days and sometimes these kinda extreme rules are a way to try to mitigate anxiety etc.

I'd think it was weird but I'd still visit and stick to them as best I could (and check in with friend to see if she is maybe showing PND and anxiety symptoms).

PinkPink1 · 10/09/2023 19:46

I recently had my first baby and I only had a few rules - let me know in advance when you're visiting and wash your hands before holding my baby. Nobody smokes but I would've asked smokers to change their clothes too. I never asked for gifts but family and friends bought things for my baby and I thought these were super thoughtful! My parents and PIL bought the expensive things eg cot, pram etc.

I think it's cheeky to have an Amazon wishlist.

Just my parents and DP visited me in hospital. My siblings and SIL visited the day after I came home because we're super close. Parents in law and SIL (DP's sister) visited when baby was nearly a week old. I wasn't open to loads of visitors because I was unwell (I slowly visited or had visitors after 2 weeks).

I understand her not wanting visitors for the first 2 weeks... Unless this includes grandparents. Weird to exclude them for that long unless you're not in contact. Also weird not to let others hold the baby.

Muststopeating · 10/09/2023 19:47

It's batshit but we all had PFBs once and I can explicitly remember worrying about all of these things before my first was born. I think somewhere I even have a list of rules I sent DH (for him not for visitors). I didn't say anything to visitors, thank god, but I definitely thought it.

I have 3 now and I would have practically thrown the 3rd like a rugby ball to anyone that would hold her (which wasn't many cos noone comes to visit by the time you've had that many).

She'll cringe about this later so try not to judge too harshly.

squashi · 10/09/2023 19:49

Actually, I'd go round, and see how things are in reality. I'd be prepared to stay an hour, not hold the baby, not give advice etc - just check in on the friend, see how she's doing and feeling. If it's utterly weird, or you get accused of breaking rules, maybe gauge whether you want to carry on going round or not. But things may not be as rigid as the (bizarre!) list suggests.

FarEast · 10/09/2023 19:49

No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences.

This made me laugh! Self-centred twats. Do you think your friendship will survive? They're just being ridiculous

RicherThanYews · 10/09/2023 19:51

That sounds preposterous Op. My neighbour is going through the same thing right now. His baby son is 4 months old and he has never met him because his girlfriend (they live separately) told him in advance that she would need plenty of time to recover from the birth. He has never held his son and he is in a relationship with the mother, it is nuts.

Paintballmaker · 10/09/2023 19:58

Looks like I’m swimming against the tide here but I think the requests on the list are common sense. Sending a list is a little odd, sure. But maybe the husband is trying to make the whole experience easier on the new mother.

If your good friend mentions that she’s struggling with something and you’ve already been through that, you can share your experience and sympathise, but the amount of unsolicited advice new mothers get is ridiculous. It seems like everybody and their dog has an opinion and that just adds to the stress and feeling of inadequacy as a new mother.

Again, washing hands/ not kissing baby/ changing if smoking should be common sense. But you wouldn’t believe the number of family members who couldn’t help themselves when they saw my child’s chubby cheeks 🙄 And even though I hated it, I didn’t feel comfortable confronting older relatives. I sure wish someone would have told them not to do it on my behalf 😄

I would still go as planned and try to focus on your friend and her wellbeing. There will be plenty of people fawning over the baby anyway.

madamovaries · 10/09/2023 19:59

this is not a sane demand, but are you sure your friend is OK? It sounds like she might be really struggling and trying to control everything? It’s such a tough time when you have your first (esp if she had a rubbish birth)

hallana · 10/09/2023 20:00

She sounds like she's having a breakdown; that list is absolutely crackers.

I would try and see her on her own and find out how she's doing. Let her know anxiety and PND are quite normal and there's help.

alltoomuchrightnow · 10/09/2023 20:01

No sharing experiences! Mouths sewn up as in Handmaid's Tale?
Nope , I'd not be going

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 10/09/2023 20:03

So you parented your baby in the way you wanted regarding visits, advice, cuddles, etc but you don't want to respect how your friend wants to parent in these first few weeks/months. It's not all about you.

I really don't understand posters who talk about 'good friends' as though they hate them. Why the hell would your first thoughts be - I want to give advice on cluster feeding and I want to overstay my welcome? That's not how a friend thinks.

A real friend would assume the new mum needed some space or that she wanted to put firm boundaries in place so she could choose to relax them when/if it was right for their family. And that's without even considering the baby maybe needs more support or your friend is struggling. Step away from MN and think about what friendship really means. If you can't offer your friend basic respect and compassion at such an important life stage for her, then you absolutely should walk away.

JaiynDough · 10/09/2023 20:06

Bellyblueboy · 10/09/2023 18:21

To be honest your husband sounds like a prick.

why is he incapable of buying his nieces and nephews Christmas presents?

Show quote history

I actually think he's adhd or got issues with executive functioning or something.

For years he just gave money. Then I started organising presents. Then stopped because I couldn't be arsed and now we're skint so no-one else gets anything either.

But he doesn't really have the headspace on top of normal life things and organising presents for me.

mycoffeecup · 10/09/2023 20:08

The Amazon gift list would make me keep my distance...........grabby or what?

XelaM · 10/09/2023 20:11

Wow someone I know had a baby VERY prematurely (absolutely a miracle that the baby survived and is doing well). She invited me in when we unexpectedly ran into each other outside and was offering me to hold and cuddle her baby (which I didn't want as I was super stressed I could bring germs) but the mum was very relaxed and just absolutely lovely. We're not even close (we're just neighbours) and I immediately rushed to get the baby a gift 🎁 because I wanted to - not because of some Amazon wish list.

Your friend's husband sounds like a huge jerk and I would not visit at all.

HippoStraw · 10/09/2023 20:15

Rules almost identical to these are all over SM, so I don’t think it’s necessarily from struggling parents. Things like the kissing, washing hands could be, and are also obvious. Rules such as ‘Don’t mention experiences’ are straight from TikTok. Other favourites in TikTok are that if you didn’t fuss the mother in pregnancy, you don’t get to see the baby.
I find it insulting personally. I don’t need to be told these rules, or what to buy, so it would put me off going.

Ffsmakeitstop · 10/09/2023 20:16

Do you think it's possible they have relatives that will go ott so they've sent the same message to everyone to avoid singling any nutters out?
I would send her a breezy text congratulating them and take it from there.

Bored1000 · 10/09/2023 20:18

I would text her to say you would love to see her and the baby but know they are probably up to their eve balls so dont want to inconvenience them and could you do a face time call…..that way you won’t need to abide by all the rules and keep it quite short, maybe they don’t want visitors at all and would be more comfortable with this until the baby is a bit older and more robust

ilikemethewayiam · 10/09/2023 20:21

Frankly I’d be relieved. I hate the pressure to go coo over babies. As PP said just send her a congrats and card/gift and tell her to let you know if she needs anything. Wait till the circus leaves town.