List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

This has all got a bit much. There's self care and boundaries, and then this which is really quite over the top.

Yes having your lovely newborn smell like perfume is horrible. I don't know why someone would decide to wear it when visiting a baby. I think with your first you hear so many horror stories about mil and inappropriate behaviour it gets you really scared. To be honest I think the list is targeted at a specific person but they are sending it to everyone to cover up the fact.

I wish I had the balls to do a list for my mil. The perfume thing is always an issue and I've got so many teddies I just don't want any more.

When your baby is newborn they are just so precious and you just don't want anyone interrupting your special time. After a few months they will be way more relaxed.

It's normal to not even have people round for the first 2 weeks now. I think it is an in-law thing. Mine definitely won't be allowed round before three weeks for my next after being no help whatsoever when there 7 days pp with first.

It's one thing to impose boundaries around visits, handling baby etc, which they are of course entitled to do, but to then not only demand gifts, but demand specific ones from a registry, in the same breath as issuing a literal list of dos and don'ts? Does that not strike you as even slightly CF behaviour?

This is batshit

Many people may feel a bit like this after their firstborn, but most people would know better than to actually say it

Just “sorry guys not ready for visitors quite yet, still nesting! Will let you know when we emerge” would have been a lot better than this rather rude list of requirements.

As a pp says, please save them and show her the rules list in a few months/years when hopefully she’ll be more normal.

I feel like I am one of the only people who doesn’t think this list is unreasonable. We had so many people overstay their welcome and give out unsolicited advice when we had our dc, that I dreaded visitors and just wanted to be left alone. This announcement may, as someone up thread said, be aimed at someone in particular.

Either one or both parents are extremely anxious or they have a nightmare relative they are trying to send a message to.

I would go, be thoughtful of the things on list but dont worry to much if you accidentally forget something. Most of it is common sense ie dont stay dont long, dont come if unwell, no smoking, pass baby back if upset. Timing visits around breastfeeding is a bit naive but they will figure that out.

The no advice/sharing is a bit ott and i guess there is a particular person this is aimed at and they are trying to assert themselves.

No visitors for at least ten days - entirely up to them, plenty of people talk about 'pulling up the drawer-bridge' post birth.

No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences - advice, unless asked for, is not advice, it's a lecture. People have a weird compulsion with pregnant women and then newborns, they like to tell them their horror stories of terrible labours and stitches and no sleep and reflux and not having any time to think for the first 7 years. Wildly unhelpful.

Only stay an hour - not unreasonable, it's knackering being the mum of a newborn.

Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding - establishing and learning to feed is often very hard, quite painful and tricky, not wanting to do that with an audience is again, not unreasonable.

There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish - very organised, no wasted money and no 94 baby outfits in the same size they'll never wear.

Wash your hands - you should do this anyway.

Get changed if vaping or smoking - you should also do this anyway.

You probably won’t get to hold baby - nobody visits a newborn with the solid expectation of whipping it out of the mum's arms, if you do, have you thought of maybe a puppy?

Don’t kiss baby - this 100% shouldn't be happening.

Give baby back immediately to mum if crying - general common sense.

Presumably you have an issue because it contradicts your expectations of how you wanted the visit to go. It's not about you, it's about them.

Similarly, the best visits I had were from people who showed up, made sure I had a full bottle of water, a cup of tea, a snack, was comfy, then they put a lasagne they'd made in the fridge for later, hoovered the stairs and put a wash on and then left. Absolutely brilliant and continues to be the best most supportive friend I have.

I would have been too worried about offending friends and family to send a list like this, but I definitely felt some of the things on it.

I felt like I should be grateful for everyone’s genuinely kind intentions but in reality I hated all the people wanting to visit. I found it so stressful when I felt like a mess, the house a mess and I was trying to get used to being a Mum and trying to get to know my baby. I also wanted to do everything perfectly so every piece of unsolicited advice felt like a criticism I would obsess over. I wanted to get breast feeding right and until I’d totally got the hang of it and got used to being more blasé about getting my boob out when required, trying to do it in front of guests added more stress and I was worried about being judged for doing it incorrectly. Especially by experienced Mums who’d done it lots of times.

I did relax over time (ds is 12 now and looking back I wish I’d just been able to chill out) but if you think she could be feeling similarly I’d ask her to let her know when she’s ready for a visit and literally stay 5 mins saying you’re en route somewhere else and know she must be shattered, then leave it for a month or so.

I think a lot of those things are just a given though? If the baby cries, always give it back...you shouldn't just "drop by" on a new parent unless it's been agreed that that's ok.

The unsolicited advice, I'm not sure anyone would listen, some can't help themselves. I've had so much of it with my second and I just say "oh thank you, I'll bear that in mind if our way doesn't work out for us".

If someone smokes, I wouldn't let them around our baby anyway so we have had to have some awkward conversations. Our little one has a lifelong heart and lung condition so we can't be too careful and I don't care about anyone else's feelings in this regard.

That’s just batshit and people will always remember this and tell it as a little story where everyone will gasp and laugh. Ridiculous - they probably won’t get any visitors

In which case, those rules should be mentioned to the person who they suspect will do those things.
A list sent to everyone, the vast majority of whom know how to behave, is not only of putting and borderline offensive, but counter-productive.

I would feel uncomfortable going for a visit after that list so probably wouldn't bother tbh . I've only known one couple who had crazy rules after having a baby , they wouldn't even allow the grandparents a visit for weeks. Then when the baby was older would moan they had no offers of babysitting

Does your friend know hew dh has sent this out? Are you 100% sure it's from both of them?

Ifnot, I would be worried about him isolati g her.

If yes, I would be worried about her mental health. If you are close friends why not rwxt her directly and ask if all OK? Feel free to reference you really appreciated her help and would like to reciprocate, but obviously don't want to overstep.

Have I missed something? Is this baby the second messiah? 👶🏻👑

I’m exhausted just reading that list.

Leave it a while pop over with a few bits and leave after fifteen minutes.

There are some really unpleasant posts on this thread.

It’s highly likely the new mum is suffering with anxiety or potentially PND.

I know some of you think you’re being funny or ‘telling it like it is’. You’re not. You just sound like horrible people.

It is certainly very sad, that people would have to be told not to hold a new born, when they stink of smoke. I can actually remember coming into my house when my mil was visiting us and finding she had picked my 3 week old dd out of her pram, while she was smoking and carried on smoking as she cuddled her. I removed dd immediately from her and told her to put her cigarette out, to which she took offence and left, saying to my dh “you need to sort her out.”

Dh was a bit of a mummy’s boy, so wasn’t very happy. However I pointed out to him, that I wasn’t going to allow anyone to smoke in my house at all, never mind cuddling dd with a cigarette in their mouth. This was around the time that it became very clear that passive smoking could kill. The entertainer Roy Castle, died of lung cancer, despite never having smoked. When I pointed this out, he agreed with me and actually told his mother she couldn’t smoke in our house.

Mil actually told him she wouldn’t be back while we had this silly rule, but would not be stopping smoking in her own house and he could just bring dd to see her there. He told her that we had agreed that under no circumstances would he be bringing our dd to her house. She didn’t see dd for nearly a year and even then I wouldn’t let her cuddle dd as she was stinking of cigarettes. Dd never visited her house for over 5 years, until she had given up smoking.

Apologies. I didn’t realise you were aware of the facts. 🙄

If it is PND then there’s nothing we can do on an internet forum and that should be addressed by those close to her coming from a place of knowledge of what the situation actually is.

My somewhat flippant reply was to reassure the OP that she’s not being unreasonable in finding that list a bit over the top.

There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish - very organised, no wasted money and no 94 baby outfits in the same size they'll never wear

Alternatively they could be less cheeky and not assume everyone will be bringing a gift (especially as there's probably already been a baby shower)...

I wouldn't bother going to be honest they sound like complete and utter control freaks, they will probably find them don't get any visitors but that may suit him or her.

You're first baby is a right head fuck, and to be honest a lot of the list probably comes from reading too much Instagram and mumsnet! She's probably very worried about becoming a mum and wanting to get off to the best start and get things "right". Hormones can be a right mare!! If you're as close as you say in your OP I would give her the benefit of the doubt and visit, and just hold the space for your friendship. It's a tough time with your first.

There is an increased awareness that for some women and babies, the traditions of cocooning after birth are beneficial. From 3 days in the bed, 3 days on the bed and 3 days around the bed to the full 40 days of confinement (though I have never seen this). There is lots written about this and maybe your friend can see the theoretical benefits and believes it needs to be followed like a prescription.

Sophie Messager has written a book called 'Why post partum matters' where she explores much of this. She does however, lay store in the importance of social support. It might be worth reading for you to gain insight into what might be informing this decision (it's a short book) and for ways of offering support within her guidelines without offering advice.

My god, some people with new babies are exceptionally self absorbed 🙄. I’d be giving them a wide berth until they realise their baby isn’t the centre of everyone’s universe.

That's all very well, but who actually sends out a bloody LIST.

It's ridiculously self obsessed.

this just sounds like a man who has witnessed some bullshit in the past and is trying to protect his wife from stuff that will cause her stress - good on him I say.

I don’t think it is either because it’s all common sense to me.

I wouldn’t invite myself over to see anyone who has had a new baby. I wouldn’t expect to hold their baby unless offered and sure as heck would give baby back if it started crying. If they ask for advice, I’d give it if I can but to automatically do so is unnecessary because most usually do a lot of online research, attend classes, read books etc if they’re not familiar. Washing hands is an absolute given as is not wearing clothes that you smoked or vaped in (third hand smoke) around babies.

I bet they came up with this list after hearing other people’s experiences and/or seeing it for themselves and knowing what they would be happy with and what they wouldn’t. Doubtful this all came out of thin air.

When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles.

And? Doesn’t mean she had to do or be the same way you were. You had the experiences you wanted and she is allowed to have the experience she wants despite it being the opposite of yours, nothing wrong with either way. You were happy with how she was for your children. Wouldn’t you want her to be happy as well even if it is a different choice from yours?

My first was a terrible, traumatic experience and I wish I had thought to make some type of rules but didn’t expect anyone visiting or staying with us so quickly after we had him and I was in tears of joy and relief when we were left alone so I could catch my bearings. I can’t get that time back and it was the reason why the second time around DH (wasn’t happy with what happened the first time either and apologised) and I both agreed no one was allowed to come/stay in our home the first two weeks. Second baby was a better experience and as happy as I was, I still didn’t want people visiting or staying but was happy to go out and meet up with people once I felt up to it which wasn’t until after the two weeks anyway due to having a episiotomy (struggled to walk the first week) and several iron transfusion in the hospital. I was at the hospital more than at home so having to come home from being at the hospital for hours and then socialise would have been too much for me and I’m allowed to feel that way even if others wouldn’t have any trouble with it. I know my limits.