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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
LetMeEnfoldYou · 10/09/2023 19:07

There was a recent thread on here from a pregnant woman who was planning to email everyone and say they would only accept grandparents visits for the first 12 weeks.

The OP was very snippy when it was pointed out that some family or friends might be a bit hurt.

Some people go batshit over babies. Leave them to it.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 10/09/2023 19:08

I wish I had thought of that when we had our baby, great set of rules and I wouldn't have any issues if my friends did this!

BubziOwl · 10/09/2023 19:09

@DoubleTequilaSunrise totally agree with you. And the PP who decided not to bother with her SIL (who she'd seemingly not even known that long) and her children ever again because she didn't get to hold her second child as a newborn... bloody weird. Very self centred and odd behaviour.

I love babies and I love it when there's a new baby in the family, but I couldn't care less whether or not I get to hold them or not. I care about making the new mum and baby happy - if that means me sitting and chatting with the new mum whilst she cradles the infant that she just grew and birthed for nine months then that's absolutely fine by me.

A newborn baby simply doesn't want to be held by anyone but their parents. If the mum doesn't want you to hold the baby either, why on Earth would you want to?! Knowing you were making everyone else uncomfortable. So weird.

Happily, in my honest experience, in the real world most people have a point of view closer to mine than the view of planet mumsnet...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/09/2023 19:09

The no kissing them i can get. I also understand about the vaping/smoking. The hand washing. No one really smokes in our family so it didn't really apply. But My DD and DSIL had these rules when my DDGs were born.. However. Going to see a new baby and not being allowed to hold cuddle them is like going to beach and not being able to build a sand castle.

PrimitivePerson · 10/09/2023 19:11

threecupsofteaminimum · 10/09/2023 18:40

Perhaps he thinks we're all still in the pandemic with the rules?!

That was my immediate thought. The pandemic made a lot of people into paranoid germophobes, and exacerbated a lot of anxieties and phobias.

SoShallINever · 10/09/2023 19:11

PFB innit!
Although some of that is common sense, I mean who on earth doesn't wash their hands?

PaperLanterns · 10/09/2023 19:12

They’ve probably done NCT and the husband is trying to his bit. My DH was quite protective over our first but soon realised that it was as many hands on deck as we could get in order to sleep/wash/eat etc.

They don’t have a clue what it’ll be like and they’re prob trying their best to control what they think they can.

Just go along, ask your pal how she is and I’m sure she’ll loosen up.

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/09/2023 19:13

Really new poster?

And also how many threads on the same theme do we need in a week?

ChatGTP is tiresome.

Kitkat2065 · 10/09/2023 19:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I also don't think your friend is being unreasonable either. I think a lot of parents struggle to hold boundaries on what they want and don't want when there's a new baby. You may get there and she may be happy for you to hold the baby, to stay longer than an hour etc etc and be happy for your advice if she asks. I HATED the amount of completely conflicting advice I was given with my first, and you feel everything you're doing is wrong (like you I struggled breastfeeding!) She will likely ask for your support and is trying to mitigate the unwanted "I know better" attitude from others by sending a message to everyone. And I completely get the Amazon list....we ended up with over 20 blankets and a load of newborn baby grows that never did fit our little one 😂 top of my list would have been a bottle of wine for mummy 😁

toomanytomatoes · 10/09/2023 19:19

SoShallINever · 10/09/2023 19:11

PFB innit!
Although some of that is common sense, I mean who on earth doesn't wash their hands?

Someones hands down pants penis fiddling 2 year old in our case. Parent insisted he (the child) was to have a hold. When we asked that he wash his hands she got affronted and said ‘they are clean’.

We had to point out said child had been yanking on his penis almost continuously for the best part of 20 minutes and we didn’t want piss fingers on the baby.

Goose22 · 10/09/2023 19:21

I think you're thinking about this the wrong way. In the nicest possible way, this isn't about you - you sound incredibly relaxed in regards to your kids and that's brilliant, but your friend sounds overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted. There is every possibility if you visit that she'll be a lot calmer than she would be with other guests who have also received the 'rules'. She might need you more than you think!
As for a gift, I wouldn't bother but I think baby gifts are a bit of a waste. Gifts for mum are much more appreciated!

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 19:22

I didn’t have any rules at all. I was just happy for my visitors to meet my baby, which they could as soon as it was allowed at the hospital. I didn’t have a gift list either.

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 10/09/2023 19:22

I got a list like that from ex friend’s husband, but I assume they were both equally bonkers as she would be deeply offended if you didn’t say hello to the newborn and made a massive fuss of her even if you saw her the day before.

Interestingly, although her baby, toddler and grown up child was to be kept in a bubble, they didn’t have a problem showing to meet mine at the maternity ward with their precious toddler full of cold.

Those people saying he may be abusive may have a point, with this guy his over protection was not about love but control. Years later he is not allowed to see his child as he sent her to hospital with a few broken bones after a tantrum.

RightSaidFred72 · 10/09/2023 19:23

I wasn't allowed to hold my niece for about 6 months. My SIL said the baby got overwhelmed. She didn't, it was her projecting.

Her batshit mum is now my EX-SIL. Thank god.

It broke my heart.

11oclockrock · 10/09/2023 19:23

A close friend of my sister had a list like this and it emerged she has severe PND. Her husband is also controlling and it suits him for her to be isolated.

I would message, but not visit at this time and 💯 be there for her when she's ready to be out and about a bit more.

adomizo · 10/09/2023 19:23

Souporsoup · 10/09/2023 17:50

There's less rules to visit prisoners.

This. What on earth. I just wouldn't bother visiting like others said you would just be on edge. She might come back to normal...she might not. Leave her be for now as you won't have much/anything in common right now.

semideponent · 10/09/2023 19:24

Your friend's Dh sounds anxious and protective, and I wonder if it's her anxiety or his at stake here.

Is there anything you're aware of in her life and history that might mean she is the one who is super anxious at this stage.

I think I'd just carry right on, but also straight up check with them at each point so they have control..."Would it be okay if I?"... or "She needs your expertise" (when handing back to Mum).

It's really tough becoming a parent when there's so much external stuff about how to do it "right" and less handed down, witnessed and modelled know-how.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 10/09/2023 19:25

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

dont bother going

Screamingabdabz · 10/09/2023 19:25

I would be too insulted to bother if it were me. How bloody patronising.

purpletrees16 · 10/09/2023 19:26

Only thing I’d consider if this is not for you - I had a friend do a similar thing but it was “for” a close relative who given free reign would have grabbed the baby and wondered off with them including giving them to husband who would have been smoking in the garden. She didn’t feel that she could impose rules on them as they would have kicked off upon finding the different treatment with the the rest of the family.

11oclockrock · 10/09/2023 19:26

Also I was interested to read that humans are the only primates that pass their infants around the group to hold. It's considered an important part of cementing the babies arrival in the group.

Heronwatcher · 10/09/2023 19:27

Ignore the gift list. I’d text and say you’d love to see her then maybe schedule a very quick visit in (ideally once the Dh is back at work) and then just see how things go. She could just be extremely anxious and I’d want to check on her, plus there’s a limit how badly things can go in 10 min!

Heronwatcher · 10/09/2023 19:28

I also agree that it could be because she’s got nightmare family members who are already driving her up the wall and this could be for their benefit…

LuckyPeonies · 10/09/2023 19:29

That’s mental. I am not interested in babies at all, so I would ever only go out of politeness. But after that list, not if you paid me.

Rubiconmango · 10/09/2023 19:33

Lmao haha this was funny!

Ps OP, sounds like they're gonna be charming parents lol and also sounds like, 'we don't want you around but we want the presents'. I'm sorry but their self importance and interest in new baby is over inflated delusion. I would stay away from anyone who had such a superiority complex. I would ask no one kisses my child on the lips! Yes, in todays world, I'd have to say it, and would politely turn down advice. Loathe unsolicited advice. But this depends on who's offering it - MIL and SILs would be the first to get shut down with their bs. That aside, I'd love visitors. I'd expect a general courtesy call to ask me and dh if a visit was OK, to respect my need to rest and our space to adjust. But that's about it. They sound stuck up and I wouldn't go out my way to give them any attention. No ones that important.