List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

😂

Sounds like they have temporarily lost their marbles. Maybe send a congratulations card and wait until they settle down and sanity retruns. DB and DSIL were a bit like this. I really wanted to see my new nephew but they were so awful when we visited to my dad, to my kids, to my mum, to me that I can't quite forgive them.

Is this her or could this be the dad being super controlling? Do you think it is him or her or both together? If you suspect it is him, then be kind to her - go see her and offer a friendly face. She will need it if it is indeed how he intends to go on...

I wouldn't bother. Babies are dull anyway, I'd wait until they have calmed down when baby is older.

That’s bonkers.

With mine. My husbands horrible family descended to help. The reality was I was upstairs recovering after a horrific c section. Mother in law rolled her eyes and refused to do anything, their happy dog made a mess of my furniture and unsettled a very settled and lovely black lab. She repeatedly demanded to hold the baby who wanted constant breast feeding, criticised me for not being able to walk or cook or wait on them hand and foot. They stayed a week - they made a rubbish childbirth into post natal depression and ptsd. If we had stayed together no one would have visited for the first week.

new mums need support - otherwise it is isolating - of these are her wishes fine - go and be kind but if not invite her to yours -

One of my sil was similar. We assumed it was because it was the 1st and they were being extra careful as we all can be a bit precious at first. But it was only years later we discovered she had pnd and had it really bad. I felt bad having been giving out about the list we received from her and her dh, I wasn't even allowed to wear makeup or perfume in case it rubbed off the baby and they inhaled / tasted it. Your friend may have got her dh to pass on these rules..

Honestly, I would go and just feel a bit sad she feels that some people may need those things stated to them.

I am also a breastfeeder and have ended up sticking my foot in it with 'advice' that I think was just me reacting as anybody with that experience would i.e. commenting that a baby sucking its hands/latching onto my neck was obviously hungry and handing it back to a woman who was clearly appalled by the idea she would breastfeed infront of me and my husband.

However, we are still friends, and the list of rules you mentioned doesn't outline any punishments for accidental breeches, so I would just go along and behave myself as best I could and hope they got over it in a couple of months.

I think this is symptomatic of the "boundaries"-obsessed culture we now live in. Everyone has to play by your rules, or they don't get to spend time with us. Anyone who is not useful to you is dispensed with. I think it's horrible.

Exactly. Given DV goes up after babies, given this hasn't come from Mom, given this seems in opposition to Mom's own experiences, I'd be booking in ASAP and seeing how she is.

I agree it's a nightmare when "oh I remember when Emily was this tiny" might have DH pointing at his rule list and demanding you leave, but I'd want to be there and make sure she was ok

You dont have to give advice to be there for your friend!
Is everything that comes out of your mouth unwanted advice???

Im sure they put these rules in place so that they dont have their place overwhelmed with visitors.
And if its their first baby, people in general will be chomping at the bit to tell them exactly what theyre doing wrong, and it just seems like they dont want it.

Text your friend about visiting. If you are super close, Im sure that will be absolutely fine. And just dont tell her what shes "doing wrong". She might ASK you for advice.

I’m the minority clearly but I have no issues with any of that.

it SHOULD be common sense but quite frankly having had to deal with all of this after each descent of the masses after having a baby I can see why they’ve tried to head things off at the pass.

Fag stinking visitors thinking a quick hand wash is sufficient then wanting to hold the baby snuggled into their fag smoke jumper whilst hoofing fag breath on them. Yep that was my mother and a few other relatives

Unwanted advice “once he’s three weeks start putting rusk/rice in the formula, just cut the top of the tear open to let the sludge thickened formula out. No thanks MIL I am breastfeeding and that’s not recommended anymore. Cue dramatic bust hoofing with folded arms “didn’t do my kids any harm” I live with the poisonous miasma that is your sons bowels, pretty sure it might have done.

Unwanted sharing of own experiences “I couldn’t breastfeed, I couldn’t have a vaginal birth etc” with some long emotional story as to why. I get that new babies bring up stuff for people but I don’t know that a new mum who’s just trying to enjoy early weeks is the person to be telling all this too.

“my Robbie was only 4lbs born” said proudly whilst eyeing up my average sized newborn like it’s some gaffrollping monster troll.

Relatives passing the baby round all the visiting kids too and not handing them back when the baby is clearly gnashing like a basilisk wanting fed, only relinquishing their grubby grip once the baby is thrashing about crying and red faced.

People hanging about for fucking HOURS right up and into dinner time meaning we either offer them a meal or start cooking ours and nothing for them.

I get the more assertive women of mumsnet would just be like “right I’ll have me baby back now for a feed” or “we are doing our tea now, nice to have seen you, we will call and arrange a meet again soon” but some of us just can’t be like that as we have The Fear of upsetting people. So a heads up before anyone comes so people know not to be dicks might be helpful and anyone who is mortally offended need not come round. If they wouldn’t do these things, the list isn’t really for them, it’s for the people who unthinkingly would because as I say it should be common sense but for some people it just isn’t!

Id add no strong perfumes or aftershaves to the list too! i hated it when my baby came back to me reeking of perfume. It didn’t feel right and I felt weird and sad about it. The smokers seemed to think a good going over with impulse spray magicked off all the fag toxins……

I'd just say congratulations, & let me know when your DH has cancelled his ridiculous rules as I'd love to visit you & baby.

She’s soon going to find she has few friends.
A list of rules? How wanky.

that applies 100% to all the entitled posters on here who would abandon friends if it's pointed out to them they have to make a slight effort.

The list is a bit weird, but the horrible reaction of people shows exactly why someone thought it was needed.

Why do people still believe their right to a "cuddle" with a random baby trumps the need of a woman who has just given birth and is often recovering from the most traumatic time of a life?

Oh bless, I’d laugh it off privately and go and visit graciously. We all did mad things when we had a first born (some clearly madder than others). Please don’t make it into a big thing. She’ll be absolutely mortified in 5 years.

Right! Honestly I'd feel too uncomfortable to visit!

few friends indeed, and the ones who are so miffed and so offended were clearly not friends in the first place.

That sounds completely bonkers. If it’s out of character for her, can’t you give her a call (or text to find out when would be a good time to call), have a chat and find out what’s really going on?

No, you have got it wrong. We don't want to cuddle this woman's baby, and we don't want to give gifts from Amazon either. We would rather wait until her 2nd, when, as pp said, her baby will be licking lamp posts.

Everyone is different 🤷‍♀️ My parents and grandma met my son the day before he turned 2 weeks old and dps parents and grandparents met him the day he turned 2 weeks old and we went to their houses as it was what I was comfortable with. It is so important that the new mum and baby feel safe and comfortable

Yes perfume is on her list.

I felt like sending this list out with my first (thankfully I didn't and visitors were fairly limited after the end of the last lockdown), in hindsight I was absolutely crippled with postnatal anxiety. I'd read about the rush of love you feel for your baby but the reality of it meant I was petrified she'd be ill or die from RSV or something.

I was not at all prepared for how I felt and I'd have similarly scoffed at anyone sending out lists like this, now I'd just be sympathetic and gently try get them to talk about how they felt (something I also didn't, just got over it in my own time).

I don't believe I have a right to cuddle random babies, though I'd argue that a close friend's baby isn't a random baby. I hate cuddling babies that aren't my own but I'd usually make the effort for a close friend.

I'd assume I wasn't as close as I thought we were if I received a message like this and would just leave them to it.

Wow….mumzillor or what. I wouldnt go near. If she is this controlling now that poor child is going yo be smothered!

Yes perfume is on her list.

Best get a full hazmat suit as your gift to baby.