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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
TTOformykidsonly · 11/09/2023 19:16

Cannot believe the amount of people saying stay away.

I didn’t want any one holding my newborn and wanted them to give the baby back straight away if upset. I had very bad anxiety, really struggled and developed PND. If you’re ‘super close’ check on your friend, I highly doubt this is all coming from her husband alone.

Genericusername3 · 11/09/2023 19:17

This… (supposed to have quoted someone’s post here but it didn’t work 🙈)

I’d want to find out what might be going on for her / them right now.

She may be struggling with peri/post natal anxiety or depression, but so many people here are basically saying bin her off if she can’t sort herself out 🤦🏼‍♀️

laylababe5 · 11/09/2023 19:29

YABU. So many people saying you are not, but it's easy to forget what it's like when you are a FTM. Go and coo over her beautiful new baby, follow the rules, and I'm sure she will soon relax a little bit. She's just trying to do what's best for her baby, and putting them first over other people. I definitely freaked out when I first had mine. Give the woman a chance to come to terms with motherhood.

phoenixrosehere · 11/09/2023 19:29

DorsetCafes · 11/09/2023 18:17

I‘m in the minority here but I have some sympathy with the parents. It might not have been expressed in the most diplomatic way but most of these rules are common sense and I agree with them. I didn’t want people coming round and staying for hours (and me feeling like they have to be fed and watered) when I’d just got out of hospital. It also drove me mad when people offered unsolicited advice (telling me they thought the baby was hungry/tired/needed winding - or not - was right up there among things that I would rather people didn’t say when post natal hormonal).

I don’t think it’s really that hard to go round for 45 minutes, ask the new mum how she is feeling, say the baby looks great, and leave. If you can’t trust yourself not to give unsolicited advice or talk about your own experience then it’s probably best you don’t go.

Agree.

I didn’t like getting unsolicited advice when I had my first having been a childcare provider myself for over a decade and definitely didn’t like being told how lovely a birthing experience someone had when DH and I had a traumatic one (which was said beforehand).

I couldn’t get upset or offended at a list like this because I know I’m not the type of person this is aimed at. The couple could have said this in the nicest way possible and people would still be annoyed because they didn’t get to do what they wanted or think they’re being OTT or precious because they themselves didn’t want that.

Oli83 · 11/09/2023 19:32

jlpth · 11/09/2023 18:55

Thing is, some people do behave like selfish idiots without any common sense when visiting newborns. You just have to read threads on here about people coming round stinking of cigarette smoke and holding the baby and really stressing the mum out. Also, people with coldsores who are completely unaware that they shouldn't kiss the baby. People who outstay their welcome, expecting the new mum and dad to cook them a meal and wait on them, stay the night and want entertaining etc. People who yap on about how the mum is feeding the baby the wrong stuff, people who make the mum feel uncomfortable whilst feeding, or uncomfortable for leaving the room to feed or whatever.

Having a newborn baby is scary. You worry for the baby, it's hormonal and normal.

I wonder whether your friend/her h have some twatty relatives that this is aimed at. I wouldn't take this note personally at all. It's very unlikely to have anything to do with you. You could take it as a positive that her h is protecting her from stressing about people behaving badly, because he loves her.

Get her a present and get her baby a present and send a text asking her to contact you when she would like you to come over.

This

mangochops · 11/09/2023 19:32

Confused19831983 · 10/09/2023 17:45

I wouldn't go, and if they ask why, be honest and say you were worried about breaking a rule. I have just had a baby and I think this is the most ridiculous thing ever. They need to calm down.

This. Theres no way I'd be visiting if I'm going to be bossed around and scolded like a naughty child. Dont visit - problem solved!

CM1897 · 11/09/2023 19:32

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

I wish I had set these rules when mine were babies. I hated having visitors in the beginning, I was an exhausted mess. Most of these rules are common sense. I wouldn’t want anyone kissing my newborn either, cold sore virus isn’t always visible and people can have it without ever knowing, it can be deadly to newborns. I wouldn’t want a smoker holding my baby either. People have the choice to smoke, parents have the choice to ask them to not touch their baby 🤷🏻‍♀️ I envy this couple’s bravery

laylababe5 · 11/09/2023 19:33

Also you don't know what's going on in the background. Maybe they have some friends/relatives who have overstepped the mark and this is their way of handling it ("sorry but we've told everyone the same thing about visitors").

whynotwhatknot · 11/09/2023 19:34

id be inclined to messageher persoanlly to see if shes ok

he sounds like a twat though

CoralDaffodil · 11/09/2023 19:34

I wouldn’t go. It’s all ridiculous. And I would tell them why I wasn’t going - eg I’d be worried about breaking a rule. If I was super close I may also ask if they are genuinely ok. The absolute best bit of this is that she has a gift list… so it’s ok to purchase something but not have a normal chat.

Sweetchestnutmama · 11/09/2023 19:35

This is the first compassionate response I’ve seen! I didn’t even want to see my own mum for the first month as we were in such a dark hole. If the dad is sending stuff like this I would 100% reach out and truly ask how the mum is doing as chances are she’s really struggling. And to all those who are being snarky, lucky you’ve never had to feel that level of anxiety and despair.

newhaircut · 11/09/2023 19:35

I feel quite sorry for the new parents here - they are obviously feeling anxious and exhausted. I remember one midwife said to me in some cultures mother and baby go into a month long retreat to recover. I also remember getting quite overwhelmed in the first few weeks by the amount of visitors who wanted to pass my DC round like a doll so I can kind of see where they are coming from, even if a list is quite direct/rude

Right, but it seems the friend didnt extend the same courtesy to the OP did she?- staying all hours- all day and all evening. Seems that her rules only apply to her with no thought to other people's newborns or other mother's need to recover.....

CM1897 · 11/09/2023 19:36

TTOformykidsonly · 11/09/2023 19:16

Cannot believe the amount of people saying stay away.

I didn’t want any one holding my newborn and wanted them to give the baby back straight away if upset. I had very bad anxiety, really struggled and developed PND. If you’re ‘super close’ check on your friend, I highly doubt this is all coming from her husband alone.

Too many people have a sense of entitlement these days. The lady carried her baby for 9 months, people can follow the rules or go away. Why moan about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Abbimae · 11/09/2023 19:38

I stopped at Amazon wishlist

Couldyounot · 11/09/2023 19:39

They're not going to have all that many visitors with that little lot. Someone upthread wondered whether there were unboundaried relatives at whom this was being aimed. Something in that, I reckon

lto2019 · 11/09/2023 19:41

I havent read all the responses but I don't see things much wrong with this list.

No visitors for at least 10 days. - fair enough they want time to themselves before they are dealing with loads of people
No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences.- I can't be doing with all the experts on everything - wait until your asked.
Only stay an hour. - some people don't know when to go home.

Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. -I dont know how this would work
There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. - they probably would prefer things they can use than 300 babygrows for 0-3 months -

Wash your hands. - shouldn't need saying

Get changed if vaping or smoking. - shouldn't need saying

You probably won’t get to hold baby. - their choice

Don’t kiss baby. - A baby died recently when some visitor kissed it and gave it something

Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc. - probably don't want you trying all your techniques when they want to settle the baby themselves

You spend a lot of time saying what you did with your babies - she /they now want to do what they want to do with their baby.

FishingWithBobAndPaul · 11/09/2023 19:43

Just give your friend a break and abide by her wishes. Take them all at face value an Dave supportive. This is about you.

The rules all feel like common sense to me, especially with COVID on the rise. Maybe your friends need to re-iterate their boundaries because they are dealing with people without any?

No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. "Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice." That IS unwanted advice. Same with cluster feeding. If your friend wants to know anything, she will ask a question.

AllstarFacilier · 11/09/2023 19:44

I wouldn’t go. I can’t be on with people thinking they’re doing me a favour meeting their baby, I don’t want to see them that much. I get not letting people kiss the baby, and I even get not wanting people to overstay, but it’s rude to put it all down as terms and conditions. A very good friend of mine had a similar rule about no visitors for two weeks that I didn’t actually know about, I bought a balloon and it deflated. People would ask about meeting the baby and get brushed off, but then when they were ready for visitors and people weren’t asking to go around, they were offended.

phoenixrosehere · 11/09/2023 19:46

newhaircut · 11/09/2023 19:35

I feel quite sorry for the new parents here - they are obviously feeling anxious and exhausted. I remember one midwife said to me in some cultures mother and baby go into a month long retreat to recover. I also remember getting quite overwhelmed in the first few weeks by the amount of visitors who wanted to pass my DC round like a doll so I can kind of see where they are coming from, even if a list is quite direct/rude

Right, but it seems the friend didnt extend the same courtesy to the OP did she?- staying all hours- all day and all evening. Seems that her rules only apply to her with no thought to other people's newborns or other mother's need to recover.....

OP literally says:

*When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles.

By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids,*

OP wanted such attention and wasn’t upset by her friend’s actions when it came to her children and thought it was all lovely but is upset her friend doesn’t want the same or feel the same as her about her own baby.

My first experience was horrendous and my second was better, but I still didn’t want visitors/guests either time visiting when I was in pain, establishing nursing (don’t feel comfortable pulling out my breast in front of people) and heavily bleeding because I don’t want to have to hide my physical pain and discomfort in my own home nor have to get up and leave the room so I can nurse in private.

Allyliz · 11/09/2023 19:50

I would send heart felt congratulations and say you're looking forward to meeting it when she and her husband are feeling more relaxed and confident around others...then leave it up to her

Solonge · 11/09/2023 19:51

Its cheeky to tell people there is a list for presents! Ffs sounds like a wedding list! You shouldnt expect gifts and if you get some, just be grateful!

changeme4this · 11/09/2023 19:52

Unfortunately it’s not all common sense for some people and I wish in my early mum days, someone would have told a continual door knocker/banger that I was trying to sleep after being up with my first unsettled baby all night. Curtains drawn at the front of the house….

I would send a text rather then telephone too. Takes the pressure off.

FishingWithBobAndPaul · 11/09/2023 19:54

Ask her how she is feeling

Ask if there are any jobs that need doing.

Tell her how well she's doing

Remind her that if she gets tired and needs you to leave, you will.

Tell her you will be there in whatever capacity she needs.

Say nice things. And be kind.

Not everyone feels very well afterwards maybe they are having mental health issues and are reinforcing their needs using rules?

JayJayj · 11/09/2023 19:57

It’s a hard one. She possibly has already been given lots of unsolicited advise and is maybe fed up. It could be that the list is for a few very particular people and they’ve done it for everyone so not to single out.
but also, if I could go back last year to my baby being born, other than our parents and siblings, I wish I’d said no to visitors. It was very stressful and I just wanted to be with my baby instead of hosting people that haven’t even messaged since seeing her. And it was a constant stream of outdated advice that I just didn’t need. With hormones all over the place it made it very difficult.
The only part I find really odd is the sharing experiences. That’s just what you do in conversations.

greenbeansnspinach · 11/09/2023 20:01

I agree, this sort of scenario is likely to be behind it.