List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

Humans who parent dogs and cats are looking more and more like PFB parents after lockdown, so no, it is not much better really.

Let them get on with it, in another eight weeks she will be moaning that no one ever come to see her or help her.

I've heard alot of woman doing this stuff after having a baby or to the lead up of giving birth. It's like their hormones turn them into possessive psychos. Bare that in mind....leave it for a while and eventually she will hopefully snap out if it

YANBU, that is a very extreme list of rules, and ridiculous about the breastfeeding.
As she's such a close friend, I would send a card congratulating them, and a small gift for your friend (not the baby) but not visit. However I would probably send her a message asking how she is from time to time. I wouldn't make them "cheery" messages just be neutral and take her lead. If I was feeling honest/brave I would ask how she and her husband are feeling and whether they are anxious or doing ok. That list of rules sounds like the product of anxious or controlling behaviour but of course your friend might not be aware of it or might not want to talk about it.

Don't go.

Enough energy to make an Amazon wish list though.

I wouldn’t go, and like a pp, if she asked why, would say I was afraid of breaking one of their many rules.

This sort of thing does seem increasingly common, but IMO it’s completely OTT. Thank goodness my dd was entirely relaxed with her new babies - same as l was with mine.

I think I would be worried for my friend, what is going on??

Maybe it is the husband who has made this list? Is he worried that she is going through stress and can’t handle advice/criticism? That she is too tired to have someone stay for more than an hour? Maybe struggling with breastfeeding (that can be traumatising when there is pressure to get it right)?

Maybe she is suffering from bad baby blues or depression? If so, then she may be struggling to cope in general. I assume that this is baby number 1, and all the uncertainty that comes with it can be overwhelming, especially when you have a million and one different ways to parent that some people feel that they have to advocate.

I would be worried for her and maybe just visit briefly to ask if she is ok…. It might not be so bad when you are there.

Exactly what I was thinking... be a friend, ask her or her husband how they're all doing? Don't mention you're reaction to the 'rules' until you know how things are, perhaps not even then @WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere

Amazon vouchers suggestion may be seen to be helpful to people uncertain what's needed... sometimes too much newborn stuff can be a pointless waste of money

Honestly I’d give her and a husband a free pass on this one. People go weird when they have a baby and I’m presuming it’s their first so they may just be being overprotective. When I had my first baby I didn’t want any visitors and found all the attention really overwhelming when all I wanted to do was be on my own and get to grips with bf and mothering. Remembering this I told everyone the second time I didn’t want visitors and then sat there lonely wondering why nobody had come to see me! Like I said new parents are weird!!!
In the example you’ve given about what to say if you notice baby nuzzling and looking for food I’d just say out loud “Oh I’m sorry I can’t help you, nothing left in my boobies now, you’d best go back to Mummy” as that was you are not giving advice as such just talking to the baby in response to his/her actions. I’m sure if you are a close friend you will be asked for advice anyway, maybe just don’t offer it without being asked?

some of the "rules" are fine. I don't visit my friends who have had babies "for cuddles" i visit to see if my friend is ok, if there is anything she wants to share or ask or if there is anything i can do for them.

Sharing advice and stories about birth, post-birth and babies is what humans do, and that is the absolute piss-taking batshit bit about the list. Everything else? meh

I still wouldn't go though - the "not giving advice" thing is so rude i wouldn't be able not to tell them they're over precious and will be begging for help at some point, and i won't be giving it.

Maybe someone in their circle/family has been overbearing and it’s indirectly aimed at them?

Thing is, some people do behave like selfish idiots without any common sense when visiting newborns. You just have to read threads on here about people coming round stinking of cigarette smoke and holding the baby and really stressing the mum out. Also, people with coldsores who are completely unaware that they shouldn't kiss the baby. People who outstay their welcome, expecting the new mum and dad to cook them a meal and wait on them, stay the night and want entertaining etc. People who yap on about how the mum is feeding the baby the wrong stuff, people who make the mum feel uncomfortable whilst feeding, or uncomfortable for leaving the room to feed or whatever.

Having a newborn baby is scary. You worry for the baby, it's hormonal and normal.

I wonder whether your friend/her h have some twatty relatives that this is aimed at. I wouldn't take this note personally at all. It's very unlikely to have anything to do with you. You could take it as a positive that her h is protecting her from stressing about people behaving badly, because he loves her.

Get her a present and get her baby a present and send a text asking her to contact you when she would like you to come over.

I think most of these things have been recommended on different MN posts over the years though. The good thing is that they've let you know, now you don't have to wonder how they'll feel about a range of things.

Lots of people get anxious about other people cuddling their newborn.
I definitely try to hold back from giving advice or sharing how it was for me. Really hard to do sometimes, but the last thing new mum wants to hear is a range of unsolicited advice that feels like judging, and story wise it's about them not me.
I can remember my newborn coming back from cuddles smelling of perfumes etc, I hated that.
Sometimes people see a crying baby as a personal challenge to cheer up rather than handing back.
I'd like to know I was bringing a gift they want rather than some future landfill.

Good reasons for all their requests in my opinion.

Is it possible the list is aimed at family members, perhaps his, that are known to encroach and lack boundaries? But so as not to be pointed, it went to everyone...?
Maybe text your friend warmly, say you want to respect their boundaries, and could she just let you know when she was ready for a visit as you don't want to intrude if they're not ready for guests..?

I would set a rule that I'd visit if her dh fucks off out.

I don't know why the DH is getting so much criticism, I'd lay money on this being his attempt to support her and what she wants/needs.

I'd contact him or her to see how they're doing and what support they might like.

Visits must be made in advance to fit around breastfeeding? Goodness, she clearly needs all the advice she can get if she thinks she can breastfeed to a schedule.

She's in for a rude awakening!

Most of the rules are fair. However they are bonkers for publishing a list so decline to visit.

Was the rules shared out over a facebook post/group message or a private message?

This reminds me a bit of how I felt when I had crippling PND and anxiety with my second.

Dc1 (no PND) I was desperate for family to come and meet baby and cuddle etc.

DC2 (bad PND) I wouldn't let anyone other than our parents or my oldest friend come for 2 weeks- not because I was a precious diva but because I could not bare the thought of seeing people and having to pretend I was ok.

Until something suggests otherwise, please consider this a potential sign of poor mental health and try not to take it personally or push her away.

Agree with the 'go round and act super breezy' and take it from there

This is perfect. Postpartum anxiety is a bitch, honestly I was a mess after DC1 was born and worried about all the things on the list! I never said anything as I was worried I'd be judged so let visitors come anyway and then lay awake with insomnia for days on end wondering whether they may have passed something to my baby. It was hellish.

If anyone had given any advice I would have cried thinking I'm a terrible clueless mum. I think her husband probably realises it's batshit but is trying to be supportive.

Send a supportive message and wait for the craziness to pass. She needs a good friend that wont judge her for this.

I think you need to go see her. I had anxiety with my first baby and it sounds like your friend is going through something similar. She needs a good friend to help her though it. Hopefully it’s just a low point and, with some support, she will soon be to friend you know and love again.

I wouldn't read much into it. Quite common for people to suggest this on some forums, particularly if you have some challenging family members who don't respect boundaries. Common sense isn't common sadly, nor is respect. But I agree it feels a bit over the top. Could also be anxiety in there. I'd just message her and say - got the list, happy to comply, but do let me know if you feel otherwise about things when I visit e.g. if you're actually really enjoying the visit and would prefer a longer one. Then the ball is in her court.

How did you receive the ‘list’?
I’d reply and ask if it was a joke!
Sod that.
I just wouldn’t go, but it would be tempting to go and make a fuss of her and completely ignore the baby. Then keep having little pauses in conversation whilst consulting the list to make sure you’re not flouting the behaviour or conversation rules.