List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

they're going to be a very lonely family, or that's how they want it. sad for the kid, no ne will be bothered in a months time.

Me neither. Other people's babies really aren't that interesting to most people.

I don't know why people get so outraged about it all. As I said, it's a bit overkill, but I sympathise with the possibly struggling parents of a newborn.

I applaud anyone who put their foot down and demand the space anyone would be given.

It's generally accepted to tip toe around someone after a traumatic surgery or health issue, but too many mothers are second-class citizens

Though I suppose you should be pleased they haven't given out a list of chores or demands for meals which some new parents do because people obviously don't have enough to do in their own homes/families

In all honesty I would message her and say that in your opinion the husband is being crazy and tell them to come back to you in a few years time when they’ve realised that they’re being completely OTT - a person who sent a list out like this would no longer be on my friends list - way too different from me!

LOL at the visits to be planned around breastfeeding times 😂

I don’t see the issue with it? You can still go around, just don’t stay to long and don’t touch the baby, I don’t understand why everyone’s obsessed with holding newborns.

A friend of mine gave out a similar list, their baby was prem and was in ICU for quite a while before coming home. They were worried about their baby getting sick which is very justified when they had already been so poorly.

Most the things in the list are what I would do anyway. I remember getting fed up with people outstaying their welcome when I was exhausted and people letting their kids hold my baby without asking. Just respect their wishes, if you don’t want to then don’t visit.

Is anyone even interested in a‘new’ baby after 4 months?

You are lucky to have amazingly patient friends and family.

It's a bit of a rude list, but some of the points are wise, eg I wanted no visitors and had none at first. I tink with 4th/5th baby (twins) the mother and mother in law came down briefly around day 3 which was fine as I was an old hand by then and they stayed in hotels not in the house.

just snorted out tea reading that! It's true, I used to work in the criminal justice system so went to the local prison quite a lot and you are correct

I feel quite sorry for the new parents here - they are obviously feeling anxious and exhausted. I remember one midwife said to me in some cultures mother and baby go into a month long retreat to recover. I also remember getting quite overwhelmed in the first few weeks by the amount of visitors who wanted to pass my DC round like a doll so I can kind of see where they are coming from, even if a list is quite direct/rude

I‘m in the minority here but I have some sympathy with the parents. It might not have been expressed in the most diplomatic way but most of these rules are common sense and I agree with them. I didn’t want people coming round and staying for hours (and me feeling like they have to be fed and watered) when I’d just got out of hospital. It also drove me mad when people offered unsolicited advice (telling me they thought the baby was hungry/tired/needed winding - or not - was right up there among things that I would rather people didn’t say when post natal hormonal).

I don’t think it’s really that hard to go round for 45 minutes, ask the new mum how she is feeling, say the baby looks great, and leave. If you can’t trust yourself not to give unsolicited advice or talk about your own experience then it’s probably best you don’t go.

Are you able go and truely listen them talk about what it’s been like for them non judgementally? Your responses here already sound like you’ve lined up things to ‘say’ and you’re eager to share your experiences - nicely! It as sounds like you really care and respect her and the relationship she has with your kids and you want a little of that too. Give her a little space, practice listening- not listening to respond. They’ll get into their routine once done being overwhelmed and you’ll see the old friend again. You sound caring and kind towards them.

Some of these responses prove why anyone even needs to make a list, even though it all should be common sense.

I recently had my first baby and don't think the list is that bad... (and I'm not a control freak or anxious - we've used a sitter since 3 months and I cheer him up by flipping him upside down and swinging him around as he laughs his head off) I think your friend is just anticipating she'll have limited supplies of patience/nerves and trying to prevent things that will upset her.
Why do people get so angry about how others handle post partum, it's such a crazy period. Visit, follow rules, be supportive and all new mums will relax eventually

No one’s baby is really that interesting. I’d give it a miss frankly.

@DorsetCafes few people have any problem with (most of) those things. It's the delivery that's the whole problem!

As had been said many times, sending everyone, however sensible, a bunch of rules to follow is pretty insulting. Most of us would wait until we were calling someone and arranging the their visit, to maybe mention things that particularly apply to them, like asking smokers not to wear smoky clothes, or giving regular overstayers a leaving time (make up a health visitor coming or something) and remind everyone not to come if they're unwell.

Everything else can be managed during the visit. "Sorry, I'd pass you the baby but I'm hoping he'll sleep/he's sleeping and I don't want him to wake", for instance. And frankly, anyone who's so wussy that they can't take a baby out of a relative's arms if they don't hand them back straight away, is going to have to buck their ideas up.
Unwanted advice? "I'll bear that in mind when I next speak to the midwife/health visitor" and change the subject.

You don't give out rules for any other kind of visit. You just manage your visitors. So going out of your way to make someone feel unwelcome is entirely unnecessary.

My friends Husband drew up a feeding rota before the baby was born declaring when the baby would be fed and which of them would be feeding the baby,as if the baby would follow the rota.
He learnt the hard way but his intentions were good.
I suspect this is the same thing.
Go and see your friend, I’m sure she will delighted to see you

Doesn't bode well for Mum and baby. My DD was born at 1.30am. At 9am a lovely lady, who I had only met a few times came round. It was so nice as she helped me get baby latched on properly to feed and sat and chatted for a while, after making sure I had a drink and something to eat. She helped me get dressed and settled baby before leaving. No rules, just thankful for everyone who visited and helped me.
Some people do get overwhelmed, but it sounds as though Dad has gone over the top.

I would send her a card (and maybe flowers), stating that "she was always there for you and your precious babies, how it,saved your life in those days, and that now you are absolutely ready to return the favor!" Add your WhatsApp number circled by a heart.

I’d text to say congratulations but I wouldn’t bother visiting, people like this are weird, are don’t really want visitors anyway.

Just reply

"Congratulations on the birth of your first child, let me know when you've got over yourselves and I'll be round 😉"

having not long had my first I wish I’d sent a list like this to be honest. They actually suggested it in NCT classes. It saves a lot of awkward conversations. You would think it’s common sense but the amount of people who kiss my baby and then it’s too late anyway. There’s a lot online now about RSV and the likes that really is anxiety inducing. I also wish I didn’t have visitors in the first 10 days but we weren’t brave enough to say.

the Amazon wishlist thing is a bit forward but we did get a lot of duplicate gifts and if I was buying for someone I’d much rather buy something they want and need!

the people who get offended by not being allowed to hold the baby and say they won’t go are honestly the ones lists like these weed out. I’ve seen posts like this in the past and people are like ‘what’s the point if I can’t cuddle the newborn’. HOW ABOUT TO BE THERE FOR THE MUM WHO YOU SUPPOSEDLY CARE ABOUT? Also the people who tend to get offended are the ones who would A) break said rules and B) are difficult to have the conversation with in the moment without it turning sour.

I find it strange that you use the example of feeding cues, assuming you know the baby better? That’s exactly the point you don’t say ‘oh I think she’s hungry’. IF she lets you cuddle the baby then you can just say ‘just let me know as soon as you want her back’ and then bite your tongue, she needs to figure it out herself! If she really is a close friend though you could say you’re worried about saying the wrong thing. Just ask her how things are going and if you can offer your perspective. What I find I like with my friends is they say ‘with my first we had this issue. Is that similar?’. All babies are obviously different and the guidelines change so rapidly, I have friends who have 4 year olds who haven’t heard some of the things I’ve been told to do.

This is why I prefer dogs. And cats.
Humans seem to be becoming battier by the day.

I'm also in the 'wouldn't go' camp. It just sounds like too much hassle. You visit to have cuddles, fuss over the baby, chat etc and it all just sounds too planned out and forced for me to feel comfortable. I'd send congratulations but that's it, until as someone else put it, they 'got over themselves' 😂