List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

The husband is either freaking out, or he believes their child to be the second coming.

If you look through the ‘red book’ you get given when you give birth, most of those rules are in there ( changing clothes if smoking/vaping/handwashing etc ) it also says about making sure you’re the main care giver to your baby to ensure a good attachment can develop. If you’re naturally a bit more anxious, have been TTC for some time etc or develop PND/PNA reading that information can make parents seem a little OTT. It will settle down and you’ll be able to enjoy the baby.

she may also have overbearing relatives etc who may be making her feel worse/nervous and has sent out a general text so no one can claim they’re not getting the same treatment etc.

One of my births was horrific and I was very unwell and emotional for a good few months afterwards. I didn’t want visitors, or the additional stress of ‘entertaining’ when I felt like my insides were about to hit the floor. My second birth was completely different and I didn’t have to make any ‘rules’

Some people really think they’ve given birth to the rebirthed Christ rather than a bog standard baby who’s going to grow up to be a chartered surveyor with halitosis and a penchant for anoraks.

because they were banned or because they couldn't be bothered?

I seriously wouldn't bother going. God forbid you interrupt her schedule. And I wouldn't send a gift either.

We had a rule. No visitors at all for the first 4 months. Then only immediate family and very very close friends until they were one.

what were you so frightened of?

Or he is controlling and trying to isolate her.

if you think that, why on earth would you be bothered about meeting the newborn and be offended if it's pointed out that you are not the priority for the new parents?

A lot of these things are on a list their recommend new mothers send out these days

I wouldn't be particularly bothered, @DoubleTequilaSunrise. No skin off my nose is it?

I'm genuinely curious (or baffled, to be blunt)...I have never heard of this before. Please can I ask the reason? What did you do when you took your newborn out for the first 4 months and people wanted to admire or talk to him/her?

Here is one example but there are many different ones. One has 25 rules.

I’d hazard a guess that they are both overwhelmed and potentially really struggling. I didn’t send out anything like this, but I struggled big time when DD arrived. Text your friend, tell her you’re there for her when she’s ready. Don’t give unsolicited random advice, but listen to what she says and let the conversation flow. It will be ok.

maybe i'm strange, but when i've visited friends it hasn't been to 'cuddle baby' its been to see my friend, and while there, ask if there is anything i can do, like clean, sort food, watch baby while they take a nap...etc

would never occur to me to sit my arse on the sofa and hog the baby while the new mum waits on me hand and foot.

I'd arrange a gift off the list, and I'd send my friend a message to say that i wouldn't be visiting because of the "rules" and i don't think it benefits a new mother not to hear other people's experiences. Sharing these stories with new mothers is how knowledge is transferred, it helps more new mothers than it doesn't.

Keep channels of communications open to her, ignore the husband. Make sure your friend is ok

Well they're definitely making a rod for their own back and we'll be the ones crying about the 'village' when noone wants to visit. Funny how the people who are so funny about people visiting the baby are also the same ones who seem very vocal about wanting gifts ...

The husband sounds absolutely batshit. I'd ignore him, text my friend asking how she and the baby are doing, and send a card to the family saying Congratulations I'll come and visit when you're ready. I wouldn't be getting a gift and I wouldn't be arranging a visit where I'll have a neurotic husband watching and waiting for me to slip up and say the "wrong thing". Fuck that.

Exactly. Some of these responses are awful.

HAHAHAHA!!! Brilliant! 😂😂

An apt username.

Whilst all those things are fine, its just BONKERS that people feel the need to send a list. Surely its common fucking sense?

Every time I have had friends round and vice versa its just been lovely to watch them have cuddles with the baby, eat loads of snacks, have them make me a cup of tea etc. If someone like my stepdad had a cigarette outside I am a grown adult who can say 'Hey, remember to wash your hands please! Ta'

The entitlement, honestly. I love boundaries but jesus.

Absolutely this. Is the husband Kim Jong Un?

Awww I think it’s quite sweet. I definitely cut first time parents lots of slack. Dh was a little like this though not as bad. He asked all visitors to wash their hands if they had come by tube. I slightly cringed but he meant well!

He also asked me if we should put newborn Dd in the recovery position when she threw up some milk.

It’s not unreasonable of her at all. Have you considered she may have a had a traumatic experience she’s doesn’t want to share? That she may be in pain, bleeding, possibly injured and/or incontinent? Perhaps your friend is trying to be as accommodating as she feels able at this time.
It’s not a court summons, if you don’t want to wash your hands, limit your unrequested advice and only stay for an hour, don’t go!

it is sensible to wash your hands when you might be about to hold a baby. Not visiting if you are ill does, unfortunately, need to be pointed out to some people.

But frankly? I'd be more "oh yes, we were very pfb too" and sending a gift from the list (a sensible idea i think) and contacting my friend in case it's pnd or coercion. I would not be going out of my way to play nicely with the father.