List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

Jesus. Is this the first generation unable to roll their eyes and ignore when someone gives a well-meaning bit of baby advice? New babies are special. Meeting them when new helps cement a lovely new relationship.

Don't go to visit. Don't send any present.

Who the actual fuck are these self obsessed people?

Jesus, you need new friends, these people sound absolutely awful.

Are you for real? Spend five minutes reading this message board and you’ll be falling over people who think this is normal. What on Earth would make you assume that this woman is in an abusive relationship?

I would go and be warm and full of enthusiam and joy, and bring a present - off list - and ask to hold the baby, and tell them it's beautiful and that she's doing an amazing job.

I've had friends who get into a bit of an anxiety whirlwind esp with new baby but I've sometimes found a bit of warmth and laughter can right things again.

Aftwards you can always text something like 'Amazing to see you - get in touch when the cluster feeding starts!'

We asked SIL & her boyfriend to change their smokey clothes before coming over when DS was a newborn. Consequently, she didn’t come over. DS was almost 1 yr old when she first met him. She moved to Spain when he was 18 months and has only ever seen him 3 times. He’s now 5.

I think setting all those rules but still including an Amazon Wish List for gifts is what really blows my mind here.

I realise you don't HAVE to buy a gift, but the implication is very much 'If you wish to see our baby (for an hour at most, at the time we allocate, without holding it or touching it with your filthy hands or even daring to mention your own experience of having a baby, you will need to repay us for that privilege by bringing a gift of our choosing'

Giving your friend and her DH the benefit of the doubt, I wonder if they have some pushy pain in the arse relatives and it is for their benefit but they are sending it to everyone in case anyone oversteps. Or maybe they are just ridiculously anxious.

But honestly this is a way to alienate good friends who could be there for you when you really may need them. I would be worried about saying the wrong thing too. It is really not great.

Depends on what the baby is like tbh. If the baby is difficult and colicky, and feeds take ages, then wanting to plan visits around the feeds makes some sense. Not wanting visitors for the first ten days I also have some sympathy for - I remember having a visit around that time from one of my in laws and I was making her tea whilst I was recovering from a C section. And my baby was funny about being held AT ALL when not feeding half the time, even by us, so it depends what her baby is like.

I lose some sympathy over the whole "here is our Amazon gift list" bit though, I'd feel super awkward and grabby saying anything like that myself!

@WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere

Every time I think MN cannot surprise me anymore, I read a new round of batshittery 😂😂.

Given you’re super close and she was great with your children, I’d visit, but only long enough to give her a gift, look at the baby, then leave.

That way you’ve registered a visit and respected the rules.

I wouldn’t hang around feeling on edge though 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Honestly I think you're being horrible. Yes the list is weird but it sounds like she's struggling with PND or anxiety or something to me. Why assume it's because they're being self obsessed rather than seeing if your friend is ok?

You are allowed to be "too sensitive" for walking on eggshells on a conversation but she isn't allowed to be struggling and panicking...?

Maybe the delivery of their wishes isn't the best but maybe they haven't slept for a while and aren't able to be tactful for you?

Just be encouraging and respectful and tell her you will visit when she feels like it's all under control or if she needs you.

If you are close I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Text and say you know how overwhelming the first few days can be and you would love to pop by for 10 mins to say hello to the new arrival. Go, coo at the baby's beauty (the usual she looks so inquisitive already looking around, do you see anyone in her yet - I think she has your eyes/ears/left nostril) for 10 mins then say I'll leave you in peace with her. If they want to to stay they will say so.

Send a follow up text saying lovely to see her, looking forward to getting to know her, and to let you know if they need anything or when they are all more settled and want to catch up.

Please tell us how you've responded to those instructions! I can't believe that they're telling you to provide Christmas dinner but not actually see them! And provide them with post partum meals?!

Obviously it's lovely when people offer to bring food, but you don't demand it. Good grief.

Fuck that, I wouldn't bother.

I had my first at the tail end of 2021 so there was still a lot of covid anxiety around. I did limit the number of visitors and asked people to wash their hands and to not kiss baby but your friend is being totally unreasonable. A list like this would honestly really put me off someone, do they think their child is the second coming? Nobody bar close family is really that interested!

Maybe "I'll pop round for five minutes to deliver the gift that I've already bought (Sorry, not on the list) and have a first glimpse of little Damien, but it sounds like you're not really feeling ready for proper visits yet. You know where I am when your feeling a bit more relaxed and comfortable, or if you want a chat. Hope all is well."

It's not about you, it's about the relationship between baby and mum.
Invite them to yours when ever they're ready.

I wouldn't bother visiting, as for her amazon gift list 🤣 christ what a grabby mare. I think when everyone declines the invite and no one wants to see or get to know her baby she'll realise the error of her ways. Leave them to it. "Awww thanks for the invite but it sounds like you don't want visitors, we'll catch up in a few months when you are ready to see people" (and stop acting like a pair of loons).

I’d be worried her husband is a controlling arse.

Sounds like they have been on social media too much and read all the horror stories but not that it takes a village to raise a child. They might change their tune after it's born.

For now I would halve what I was originally going to give as a gift and then make it up later if you do stay close. I would want to keep an eye that it's not the husband imposing rules on your friend. Do you think he's ok normally,?

I did say earlier in the thread that if it was my close friend or best friend who I should know well and vice versa, I would have no trouble asking them if they were ok and what was going on instead of taking automatic offence because they didn’t do things the way I assumed or expected them to do.

I still disagree about the Amazon list. Some of us don’t have the time or space to deal with loads of gifts on top of taking care of a new baby and/or other children nor would I want to waste money, buying a gift they didn’t need or want for a baby.

I feel nothing but sympathy for this new mum and dad. This kind of batshit crazy list is just the kind of thing I would have liked to have produced when I was a first time mum, but my mind was in far too much disarray. I also developed a germ phobia, when in reality I'm completely laid back about dirt/microbes. To me this list of rules is a sign of the complete mental disarray that a newborn can cause in certain people (like me, despite all my best intentions to be laid back) and a sign of a desperate/futile attempt to wrestle back some control.

I can look back now and laugh, but I'm so appreciative about the non-judgemental way that people such as my mother-in-law dealt with my neurotic tendencies.

Wow…really, just wow. Im a granny now but had three children in three years and never felt the need to send out anything like this! Friends and family visited, people popped in for a cuppa, if I was taking a nap with the baby and they were unexpected callers I didnt always open the door, but goodness, how precious some people are now!

Another of these ridiculous over precious mums. I wouldn’t go. I think after they get a reality check on how hard parenting can be, and lonely, the will realise the wisdom of the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’

I get some new parents are very protective, this will soon ware off with them.
Also if it was my mate, and we're super close, I'd just ask her,' why so many rules?, and tell her I think it's a bit much, as you wouldn't like others to think she was a bit mad'.