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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
Moanyoldmoan · 11/09/2023 15:05

Clearly hubby thinks this is the only baby ever to be born in the world - utterly ridiculous and insulting - i would check on your friend as he seems unhinged

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/09/2023 15:05

That list of rules screams one of three things to me -

Massive anxiety, possible PND.
Controlling husband.
Nightmare relative that is being reined in by the rules being for everyone.

All of which would make me want to keep a closer eye on my friend, not follow any of the suggestions of not going at all.

ohdamnitjanet · 11/09/2023 15:07

This is the second bat shit post about babies today, what’s wrong with people? It’s very understandable to not want visitors for a couple of weeks, but best friends? Surely you know who smokes and can privately message them if you must, etc. Don’t offer advice? Don’t hold baby? Amazon wish list? Get fucked.
Best of luck when they need help or advice and have alienated everybody.

saythatagaintome · 11/09/2023 15:07

New parent anxiety.

I honestly felt so privileged that friends and fam wanted to visit us! I didn’t deny my baby (or visitors) the opportunity to hold her, because let’s be honest… that is beneficial to babies!

My only requirement was for guests to please wash their hands, AND, if they wanted to hold baby, please no strong smells (I was mainly concerned about perfumes, fragrances, etc…).

I’d be mortified to send a list like this. Soon they’ll learn to pick their battles. When you hold on love like that, children are the ones who suffer most.

It would really would put me off visiting them…. 100% for the way the msg was worded, but it’s anxiety, so procede knowing that…

DiddyHeck · 11/09/2023 15:08

I think it's hilarious 🤣

I'd just send a card to be honest, and tell my friend to text me in a couple of months.

Then fully expect her to turn up on MN, moaning that no-one's interested in her baby.

OhComeOnFFS · 11/09/2023 15:10

Given how warm and friendly she was when your child was born, I would have expected her to be the same when she had her own child. I would definitely be looking out for PND and wonder whether the list was written solely by her husband, too.

Is there anyone in her family that you think this could be referring to? They might have thought it was easier for everyone to follow the same rules rather specifically spell it out for one particular person.

KVick · 11/09/2023 15:13

My general rule of thumb is to not impose myself on people - so be them friends or relatives, I don't invite myself over to people's homes. I wait until I'm invited.

People often impose on new parents who are harried and sleep-deprived and really not up for entertaining. So why not back off and let your friend reach out to you?

nerdandgeek · 11/09/2023 15:17

With them on vaping/smoking and kissing baby. Everything load of shite

LadyBird1973 · 11/09/2023 15:20

@Changes17 you were mad to put yourself through that. Especially as you were pregnant yourself. What would have happened if you'd missed your slot?

People treat you largely how you allow yourself to be treated.
Issuing lists is so disrespectful and rude - boundaries are good and no one is saying she must allow her baby to be snatched off her for hours by random acquaintances, but actual conversations are really important

phoenixrosehere · 11/09/2023 15:22

Kazzybingbong · 11/09/2023 14:54

This is perfect! Just shows, delivery matters!

Show quote history

I don’t know. There have been posts here when people have done such things for weddings and many posters eyerolled it and called it ridiculous.

I mean literally everything on the list is just common sense!

We’ve seen enough threads where it is obviously not for too many people. The threads about not kissing babies on the mouth, dealing with relatives refusing to give baby back when it’s crying, smokers annoyed with being told they can’t hold the baby because they smell like smoke, visitors coming over knowing they’re poorly, visitors/guests expecting to waited on knowing mum is still healing, etc.. As the saying goes, “Common sense is not common.”

Disloyal · 11/09/2023 15:23

I hate holding babies but goodness what a list. It’s way too precious. I would laugh and suggest meeting after a few months.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/09/2023 15:24

I’d just visit anyway. I’m not a huge “baby cuddler” in the first place, so not being able to hold the baby wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. But I WOULD want to check that my friend was ok and would offer to help with anything. Probably take a large tub of biscuits/ cakes, so she has something to offer other visitors, and a meal that they only need to heat through.
The toddler group I was involved in, used to arrange two weeks of meals for new mums, plus biscuits, to relieve some of the pressure.

toomuchforonewoman · 11/09/2023 15:24

Yeah see ya when the child is 4, fuck that shit.

Malarandras · 11/09/2023 15:29

I would send a card and check in with your friend to make sure she is OK. But I would not be engaging with the nonsense the husband has sent out.

WimbyAce · 11/09/2023 15:33

I wouldn't visit, whole thing is ridiculous. They should think themselves lucky it's not covid when we couldn't have visitors at all.

Roselilly36 · 11/09/2023 15:33

I wouldn’t go, I would send a text and take a gift when I eventually visited. Save them the hassle of setting the stopwatch 😂 OP. I assume PFB, when second baby arrives, I doubt there will be any such rules. It so strange how some people behave when PFB arrives, I was happy to take advice from any mum, didn’t have a clue what I was doing, but we are all different.

Lelliekellie · 11/09/2023 15:33

Has the list been sent out on mass or just to you specifically?

im with the parents. You want to visit stick to their rules. I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Had similar rules for mine when they were born.

no smoking, no holding unless I say and give back if I ask. Wash hands. Covid times. So we had wear masks and don’t come if sick with anything. Don’t visit without checking it’s ok before hand. We also didn’t have anyone other than immediate family/ extremely close friends visit for the first year.

I think the gift list is a step too far. But otherwise seems reasonable?

so many people visit and just want the baby. And stay all day being a pain like no one seriously wants that right after having a baby!

outdooryone · 11/09/2023 15:34

You can never tell how someone is going to react to a baby, particularly their first.
I have an in-law due at end of November. Already all visits have been dicted in what order, I have been told (even though it is in-law) that as closest person I should be ready to supply any meals needed in the first few weeks, Christmas has been dictated as to who can come or not over the holiday, I am also being asked to cook Christmas lunch for all sorts of folks -but I am not invited to see the family/baby that day. They have a pile of baby books and already deciding what napping routine and how they will dictate it all to the baby, how baby will not be allowed to do some things that others do as it is 'dangerous'. etc. etc. They are, in my view, basically freaking out/over-reacting as though it is the first baby in the world.
OP: sounds like hubby is also freaking out and trying best to cotton wool the baby.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 11/09/2023 15:37

I agree with the poster who said that your friend may not be coping well. And her husband may be overreacting as a result. Maybe the birth went badly? Maybe she has bad birth injuries?

Give them some time to settle down. Maybe send your friend some messages and see how she responds.

DottyLottieLou · 11/09/2023 15:38

It's not normal but I think you should go even if its just to check things are OK. Is her husband being controlling. Is she / he not coping. Play it by ear. Just mention it can be helpful to share experiences but only if she wants to. Let her know you are there if she needs you. Sounds like they have been overwhelmed by the responsibility. They will laugh about it in the future.

Lelliekellie · 11/09/2023 15:40

Also no one at all visited for the first 4 months with mine

Felicks · 11/09/2023 15:41

The child's father is sending too many narcissism red flags with all these orders. Keep a wary eye out that your friend isn't being controlled and monitored behind the scenes. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

shearwater · 11/09/2023 15:41

I think they are cheeky with the gift list, it's not like a wedding and if you got 3 of one toy if it was a favourite you may well appreciate that later!

Some of the other rules are more reasonable - though stating them in advance like that is rather strident of them. Perhaps they have a lot of family who would overstep the mark otherwise! Having read other threads on baby visiting perhaps drawing some lines in the sand is required. I'd just go, keep it short and take my cue from them whether I was going to get a baby cuddle or not, and when to give the baby back. If you are going over a meal time it might be kind to ask if they'd like you to bring food, like some picnic stuff from M&S. I was pleased for friends to come for an evening but not up to cooking for them with a newborn, especially with DD1 when it was all so new.

I was always pleased for people to hold my babies to give me a break, unless they need to sleep, feeding or changing.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 11/09/2023 15:47

phoenixrosehere · 11/09/2023 15:22

I don’t know. There have been posts here when people have done such things for weddings and many posters eyerolled it and called it ridiculous.

I mean literally everything on the list is just common sense!

We’ve seen enough threads where it is obviously not for too many people. The threads about not kissing babies on the mouth, dealing with relatives refusing to give baby back when it’s crying, smokers annoyed with being told they can’t hold the baby because they smell like smoke, visitors coming over knowing they’re poorly, visitors/guests expecting to waited on knowing mum is still healing, etc.. As the saying goes, “Common sense is not common.”

Show quote history

I would hope that my good friend knew me well enough to know what sort of person I am. And if they don’t then they’re clearly not that good a friend and if they’re not, is the hassle worth it.
Luckily the friends who I am close to wouldn’t make demands like that. They would credit us with the common sense for the important ones and wouldn’t be so selfish for the others.
Not being able to talk about your own children and Amazon gift list my arse.

Wanttobefree2 · 11/09/2023 15:51

Maybe wait a month or so until he’s back at work and she’d love some company and happy for a good chat (and wants some advice). Doubt they will get that many visitors with that list of rules… I would text and say congratulations and let her know you are around if she needs anything.