To not want her coming in the house?

[Ogy]

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

I can't understand why anyone keeps their door unlocked - DH's random ex waltzing in is likely to be the least of your worries!

you are being ridiculous. You married in to her family and get miffed about her waiting in the house for her daughter. Maybe blended family is not the life for you.

Ugh, my DSD's mum used to do this (except she would literally just walk in, not even knock - apparently as she used to live in the house she was 'entitled' to do this, and originally even expected to retain a key!) so feeling your pain.

YANBU, but I agree with those saying just lock your door, for security reasons as well as to counteract this.

I question your ability to keep anybody in your house safe if you don't lock your door!

I really feel for the kids in these situations. Adults need to suck it up and be as nice as they can - despite how they feel inside - to the parents of their step children. That's life - you took on a role of co -parent/ you joined a blended family - be the bigger person!!

I cannot imagine how it must feel for a child to see their parent banned from the home they live in half the time - and their step parent and parent not able to be civil.

Whoever is to 'blame' - just do what you can as an adult to keep things as pleasant on the surface as possible.

In the US, you would be able to shoot her if you have warned her first. I'm just making the point that if you've warned her once not to disturb you, she is technically an intruder after that.

You're talking rubbish. Step-parents are allowed boundaries.

I suppose its where you live. In a city I would be very wary. In a little village not so much where you know all your neighbours.

We leave our back door open for the dogs but our big back gate is locked and it's a very secure garden with no one on the back of us.

Nonsense. Step-parents are not obligated to have an open door policy to their partner's ex. That is an important boundary, surely?🤔

YABU Yes it’s uncomfortable and I agree you should lock your door but you shouldn’t ban her from the house. It’s childish, not in the best interest of DSD and you’ll potentially be creating a very unnecessary argument.

Perhaps if you also make an effort to say hello and start a conversation, it might make you feel more comfortable in the long run and your relationship might improve. It doesn’t need to be anything excessive but the onus isn’t all on her. Yes you don’t want to but unfortunately, I’m this situation I don’t think you as an adult should be indulging yourself if it will impact a child.

Boundaries are fine until they become so extreme that two people with a child have to act as complete strangers. It can’t be healthy for kids.

No way. She's not welcome and has no need to be in your house.
If she can't respect that, your DH will have to arrange handover on neutral ground, at no inconvenience to you.

Do stop being so stupid.
I live in a very small town. Doors unlocked all the time, even when we are out, so delivery drivers can just pop parcels into the house.
Doors actually sitting wide open most of the time.

Been one murder in my town, about 50 years ago. Occasional rumours of a break in, but usually just “unfamiliar van” spotted coz someone has hired a van to move their rubbish. Very safe, low crime, small town surrounded by farming land.

Do stop being so stupid. I live in a very small town. Doors unlocked all the time, even when we are out

I think this is foolish.

Advise you call your insurance company tomorrow to find out if you would be covered if you get burgled whilst leaving the house unoccupied and the door unlocked.

You do know that houses get broken into in all sorts of places? Just because it hasn't happened before (that you know of), doesn't mean it won't happen.

No, but it's partly on her, and she's not very pleasant to the OP from the sounds of things, so why should the OP bend over backwards to be pleasant in her own home if the ex isn't?

Actually, in most states no you wouldn't. Even if you warn the person 'Get out of my house!' you are NOT permitted to use deadly force under either 'castle doctrine' or 'stand your ground' simply for 'being there'. Under those doctrines the person must be presenting a clear threat to your life and/or limb or have entered your home 'forcibly' Standing and waiting for her DD isn't presenting a threat to the OP. Granted, if you tell a person to 'get out' and they don't then I suppose a threat could be implied, but would it meet the 'reasonable person' standard in this situation? Probably not.

Stop the cheque...
Lock the bloody door!

"Mum isn't being nice to OP. We don't have to let people in if they're not nice to us."

Er yes.. that's why doors have locks

OP has said she does sometimes say hello and asks how OP is. It’s not hard to do this back. I don’t think this constitutes bending over backwards. Learning to tolerate engaging in five minutes of small talk will probably make OP feel much better than being ignored in her own home. It will get less awkward as time goes on and most importantly will keep the peace.

I wouldn’t want somebody just walking into my home unannounced so I do understand that part but that’s easily solved by locking the door.

OP also said She tends to just say hello to/speak to our young DC and barely acknowledge me. To me this doesn't constitute enough effort to be polite for OP to owe her anything in return. Incredibly rude to virtually ignore someone in their own home.

Is your SDD allowed to have people over to your house? Maybe she doesn't think her mum coming in for 2 minutes is a problem.

My house isn't locked if I'm at home. I don't live in the bronx.

I had a break-in a few years ago, in a very quiet, "naice" rural village.

The first question on my insurance claim form was : -

"Were all external doors locked ?"

I think the people who leave their doors open when they’re not even in the house pretty much are asking to be robbed, can’t muster up any sympathy for them.

I don’t live in the Bronx either. I’d my household insurance to be valid though!

I don’t have to do anything to lock the front door. I just close it and it’s locked.