To not want her coming in the house?

[Ogy]

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

So just make it a rule with DSD that she can let only herself in with her own key unless perhaps she is with you and/or DH and uses it. Nobody else without your permission.

When her mum arrives that means she is being collected and must be ready. Tell her that. It would be possible to do it in a way that doesn't make her feel too awkward, but I think it might have to be said. Maybe best coming from DH, but if he won't then you will need to.

The same basic rule still applies though. You have a door with a lock. So lock it.

Lock your door when he leaves.

Keep the door locked and get SD to have her things ready to leave immediately?

If things are calm, I wouldn't make an issue out of this.

I would hate it but the trouble with confronting it is you are likely to come across as the baddie in this situation, I suppose you have to weigh up if it's worth reigniting the nastiness and potentially your step daughter thinking you are being out of order and don't like her mum.
It sounds like what ever you do it's a win for the Mum.

Between a rock and a hard place I'd try to manage stepdaughter to make sure she's always ready for a quick transition so everyone low key gets the message that it's not appropriate or necessary for mum to be coming into your home.

I'd also be suggesting a reevaluation of the arrangements re every two days that must be unsettling for everyone.

Whoever leaves in our house locks the door

I wouldn't be in bed or in my nightie in an unlocked house.

So stop arguing and just lock the door.

Your husband can speak to her too - I assume neither of you just walk into her house?

That's fine. Just say DSD won't be a minute - I'll send her to the car

Then shut the door

DSD should be packed and ready in advance, (as previous poster mentioned, get things together the night before). If not, have a word with her and tell her to tell her DM (when she calls upon arrival) to wait in the car.

This with bells on.
I live in a low crime area but as a family we still lock each other in or lock up after one of us departs. This is especially important when we’re not visitor ready ie in our night clothes/dressing gown.

Just get into the habit for a while.
I see your point of view but if nothing else, you need to stop her trespassing and it’s one way of breaking her rude habit.

Your husband also needs to ask her to wait in her car please. There’s no good reason why she shouldn’t if the child is old enough to make it out of the house unassisted.
Just do it!

I am in my nightie doing a bit of cleaning, every door and window is open. Actually wide open.

You could replace the handle with an offset door handle. It doesn't need to be locked but you can't open the door from the outside.

Is there any connection between your husband now leaving for work while your step daughter is still there, and her mum walking in? It sounds like both are fairly recent occurrences. The purpose of the lock is to stop random people coming into your house so now that the door is open in the morning she may think this is OK...or thinks it's unsafe for the door to be unlocked and is making that point by coming in when she feels like it?

We’ve all probably got stories about intruders…

A friend of mine was napping one afternoon. Forgot to lock door.
Intruder crept in. Went upstairs, she woke up. …..
I won’t tell you the rest, but it was most terrifying and to this day, she wishes she’d locked her back door.

Don’t take the attitude “it’ll never happen to me” because cr*p happens OP.

You need to stop this ex right now.

You're up and about. That's different. I still wouldn't leave the front door unlocked (I used to) and I live in a pretty safe village

If you don't want people wandering into your house uninvited then lock your door. It's not that difficult a concept to grasp. Get DH to tell both his child and Ex that Ex doesn't come into the house, she calls child as usual and stays in the car.

I also think you need to revise the 2 day on, 2 day off. It sounds exhausting and can't be good for the child to be so unsettled.

I agree this is a very simple problem to solve - no one should be able to walk j to your home without knocking so lock the door.

decide what your boundary is and enforce it.

is she allowed to come in when invite or never cross the threshold? Does your DH every go inside her house at pick up time?

once the boundary is decided and agreed with your husband then your explain it to your step daughter.

personally my boundary would be she can come inside but only When invited by an adult in the house.

MN is so random, sometimes something will come up that polarises us. I can’t believe people lock their front doors when they are in!

As for the poster than cannot fathom a door that needs locking, that’s just weird. Surely the default for doors and locks is an open unlocked door that you have to lock by turning a key?

Do you think an insurance company would pay out if someone comes into your house through an unlocked door and steals your laptop / iPad / car keys when you're in the shower / loo / garden / listening to something on headphones?

Mine is just a catch.

And I can think of many, many places in the UK when you'd be downright stupid to leave your door unlocked

The only houses I would let my self in are my Dad's and my in-laws.

He's just found a new way to be unpleasant to you.

I always get a bit confused with these posts

you said about DH talking to her at the beginning. (Then why ask?)

the majority said to lock your door (if you don’t want advice then why ask?)

just so what you planned to do beforehand….

Why make such hard work of something so bloody simple? Lock the door like normal people for security if nothing else.

Just lock the door and make dsd get everything ready to leave promptly.

Tell her that there is no need for her to come in, in future and that DSD can walk to the car. No one would be coming in to my home and making me feel uncomfortable.

Yanbu at all.

Stop pussy footing around.

Tell your husband to tell her that she is not to come in the house.

Tell your step daughter clearly that she is NOT to let her mother in.

She should be remaining in her car.

Stop being a doormat.

I would be furious at anyone thinking they can stroll into my home at any time.

Unbelievably rude.

If she does it again, do not be polite.

Tell her to wait in the car like your husband does.

I’m wondering about that also. Once my door is unlocked in the morning, it’s not normally locked again until I’m either going out or it’s nighttime. Quite often (especially in the hot weather), it can not only be unlocked, but be left open too.