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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her coming in the house?

354 replies

Ogy · 10/09/2023 09:49

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 10/09/2023 10:44

You are not being unreasonable. Asking your OH to negotiate this one sounds the best way to go. Ensure he presents it that he doesn't want her randomly walking in and that he wasn't aware you were doing it till now.

StripeyDeckchair · 10/09/2023 10:46

How can she just waltz in?
Is your front door unlocked?

I don't get these people who have their front door unlocked all the time. Have you no sense of security?
If the door is unlocked anyone can walk in - someone could nick your handbag, your keys (which I bet are nearby)
You have children, aren't you concerned for their safety.

Blimey, it's so straightforward, just lock the door.

Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:47

I think the main annoyance is you just never know when she'll turn up, she's either always early or really late. If I knew she'd be on time I could busy myself elsewhere although I still wouldn't like her in my house ideally but I can never just relax in my own house knowing she could be there any minute and I don't know when. Like I said I was literally sat there in my pjs yesterday when she breezed in. I hate it.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 10/09/2023 10:47

Surely this could be resolved by you just asking her to wait outside the first time she entered.

No discussion with DH and DSD, no raised voices or otherwise. Just a firm ‘can you wait outside’, and you close your door. This is something you could’ve stopped already.

CF tend to be so, because their ‘victims’ are always so afraid of confrontation.

HoneyPotts · 10/09/2023 10:48

Lock the door or tell her to wait outside. A simple “what are you doing in my house?” would have sufficed the first time she did it. Maybe a “get the fuck out” is required now?

BackAgainstWall · 10/09/2023 10:48

She’s bad mannered all-round.

Why don’t you help yourself and just lock the door?

Is there a good reason why you don’t?

Because then if she knocks, don’t let her in and tell her DSD won’t be long and shut the door.

She’ll have no choice but to wait in her car.

Topseyt123 · 10/09/2023 10:49

SheilaWilde · 10/09/2023 10:26

Doesn't your door have a Yale lock? I can't fathom having a front door that you have to physically lock. But that aside, she's being very rude.
How old is DSD? The next time she knocks, answer the door and say 'Hi Sue, DSD will be out in a minute' and shit the door.

We don't have Yale locks. We deliberately chose locks which we actually have to physically lock so that it is not possible to lock yourself out. Why can't people understand that?

I always lock our doors, even when we are in. Especially the ones that open onto the road at the front. My house is not a free for all.

OP, just lock the door, and tell DH to stop leaving it unlocked. It's your home, DSD's mother should not have unfettered access and certainly should not be just walking in.

Lock it. Keep the key on your person so that nobody can go against your wishes.

Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:49

And there's literally no need for DSD to be inviting her in, she only needs to get her things together. I would understand it more if DSD had something she wanted to show her mum or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:50

DSD has a key now so she could technically just let her mum in.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 10/09/2023 10:54

rwalker · 10/09/2023 09:54

whilst not great I’d suck it up for your DSD

Why for her DSD ? It’s an intrusion into her privacy and she doesn’t need to put up with it for anyone. OP you need to set boundaries. If your DH won’t do it then take control. Make sure your door is locked and if she questions it tell her you don’t appreciate her just walking in on you and that in future the door will be kept locked so she should knock.

MrsMiddleMother · 10/09/2023 10:54

Yanbu! As a stepmum this would infuriate me. Tell your dh to ask her not to let herself into your home. Start locking your door obviously and if she knocks tell her she can wait in the car or on the doorstep for dsd and if dsd is at a age where she can have a key etc she's old enough to be told her mum should wait in the car for her and not inside the house.

PonyPatter44 · 10/09/2023 10:55

As I see it, you have two choices - you lock your door, or you use your words. Just wishing that exW would stop walking in isn't working...so you need to take some action.

We don't have a Yale lock on the front door, we have one of those little thumbturn locks. I can't lock myself out, but anyone could walk in off the street if it wasn't locked. Just tell your DH to lock the door when he goes to work, and ask ExW to wait when she turns up. TBH if you have quite young children, locking the door is sensible as it stops them wandering off.

LorW · 10/09/2023 10:55

MrsMiddleMother · 10/09/2023 10:54

Yanbu! As a stepmum this would infuriate me. Tell your dh to ask her not to let herself into your home. Start locking your door obviously and if she knocks tell her she can wait in the car or on the doorstep for dsd and if dsd is at a age where she can have a key etc she's old enough to be told her mum should wait in the car for her and not inside the house.

This.

Georgyporky · 10/09/2023 10:56

I can't understand why anyone would not have their doors locked at all times.

Today the ex-wife, tomorrow the mad axe-murderer !

mumda · 10/09/2023 10:58

@Ogy your insurance probably wants you to keep the door locked.

Boundaries are good. So have one.

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 10/09/2023 10:58

Our front door is never locked when we’re in the house, except at nighttime. But we do live in rural Scotland so chances of unwanted visitors is low, when we lived in Catford I kept them locked. Depending on where OP lives it might not be unusual to have the front door unlocked.

Snugglemonkey · 10/09/2023 10:58

HeatherMoores · 10/09/2023 09:55

What? Your door is unlocked so absolutely anyone could just walk in?!

We rarely lock our doors. No-one has ever just walked in.

zingally · 10/09/2023 10:59

Just lock the door behind your DH.

Yes, you can get all on your high horse with "but I shouldn't HAVE to lock the door to my own house!" But locking the door is an INCREDIBLY easy fix to this issue.
She'll have to ring the bell, and you can just call through "DSD will be out in a moment!" No need to let her in.

If she's got any social graces at all, she'll understand why the change, and be suitably embarrassed.

skyeisthelimit · 10/09/2023 10:59

MN is hilarious with doors and locks and how some people can't fathom that we all live different lives in different places.

I don't have a Yale, it has to be physically locked, and once unlocked stays that way until the evening. This is a rural area, nobody that I know, locks their doors all day when they are home. There is no issue with security. The postman opens the door and leaves the post in the porch.

Aside from that, in your situation OP, you do need to lock the door after he has gone. When she arrives, open it, step forward to stop her coming in and say "I will tell your DD that you are here for her and send her out" and then shut the door again.

Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 11:00

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 10/09/2023 10:58

Our front door is never locked when we’re in the house, except at nighttime. But we do live in rural Scotland so chances of unwanted visitors is low, when we lived in Catford I kept them locked. Depending on where OP lives it might not be unusual to have the front door unlocked.

It's not that uncommon round here to keep them unlocked. Our next door neighbour just has hers open all day when it's hot!

We live pretty rurally though on a small cul-de-sac away from main roads etc.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 11:01

Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:47

I think the main annoyance is you just never know when she'll turn up, she's either always early or really late. If I knew she'd be on time I could busy myself elsewhere although I still wouldn't like her in my house ideally but I can never just relax in my own house knowing she could be there any minute and I don't know when. Like I said I was literally sat there in my pjs yesterday when she breezed in. I hate it.

After you calling the 2-nights on and 2-nights-off arrangements a 'nightmare', OP (in response to my post about it ^^), and having now seen this post of yours, I really don't think these arrangements sound sustainable.

Personally, I'd have been stressed out of my brains with it all by now. I don't imagine I could cope with it for more than a few weeks.

How did these arrangements come about? Were you properly consulted and included?

And here Flowers

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2023 11:01

Be naked next time she watzes in.

Bet that stops her Grin

Seriously though you are going to have to lock the front door. I doubt she knows it bothers you if door is left unlocked and no one's told her.

YewTree84 · 10/09/2023 11:02

There's so many people that can't believe that OP doesn't lock the door! Where do you all live to make you think you can't leave your doors unlocked when you're in?!

BoaBunsAreLovely · 10/09/2023 11:02

Just be straight & tell her to stop swanning in really & also tell your husband to tell her. Everyone’s opinions & advice have just been batted off here, you probably are just going to have to tell her straight.

ManchesterLu · 10/09/2023 11:02

Surely her daughter knows exactly what she needs to take, and knows when her mum is going to arrive. So the trick is to make sure she's ready. Even get her things ready the night before if that helps!

Or, just tell her. If you're not bothered about getting on with her, just ask her to stop walking into your house. It's fine to do that. It's YOUR house.

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