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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her coming in the house?

354 replies

Ogy · 10/09/2023 09:49

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

OP posts:
hot2trotter · 10/09/2023 10:21

No, just no. She should not be walking into your home uninvited. Keep your door locked as a starting point. If she mentions it, tell her. Don't wait for husband to.

Superfood · 10/09/2023 10:22

Where do you live that you can just leave your house open for anyone to walk in? Is it Trumpton?

SheilaWilde · 10/09/2023 10:26

Doesn't your door have a Yale lock? I can't fathom having a front door that you have to physically lock. But that aside, she's being very rude.
How old is DSD? The next time she knocks, answer the door and say 'Hi Sue, DSD will be out in a minute' and shit the door.

continentallentil · 10/09/2023 10:26

He can tell her that she needs to knock

I’d lock the door though to reinforce the new habit.

She certainly shouldn’t be walking in without knocking, but she’s your SD’s mother so banning her from the house is tricky - if she knocks can you stick her in the kitchen while you’re in the sitting room or whatever?

Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:27

AuntieDolly · 10/09/2023 10:20

Strange thing to do - did it used to be her house?

No its a house me and DH bought together.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:27

Lock your door. Problem solved. No point saying you shouldn’t have to when clearly you do need to. We shouldn’t have to lock our doors at all but we do because we don’t want all and sundry (or burglars) walking in uninvited.

whatsappdoc · 10/09/2023 10:27

Get dh to lock the door when he leaves in the morning. From a security pov apart from anything else. If he forgets, keep reminding him. It doesn't have to be all about the ex then.

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 10:28

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

On a somewhat different note, @Ogy - this arrangement must be hard for everyone, especially if it involves pick-ups and drop-offs in cars, rather than an older child being able to walk independently between houses. Term-times must need some real organisational skill, given all the stuff they seem to need to take in every day.

Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:28

SheilaWilde · 10/09/2023 10:26

Doesn't your door have a Yale lock? I can't fathom having a front door that you have to physically lock. But that aside, she's being very rude.
How old is DSD? The next time she knocks, answer the door and say 'Hi Sue, DSD will be out in a minute' and shit the door.

No, lots of houses round here don't have yale locks.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:29

SheilaWilde · 10/09/2023 10:26

Doesn't your door have a Yale lock? I can't fathom having a front door that you have to physically lock. But that aside, she's being very rude.
How old is DSD? The next time she knocks, answer the door and say 'Hi Sue, DSD will be out in a minute' and shit the door.

You have to lock my door or it stays unlocked. I prefer them as I can’t get locked out accidentally.

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/09/2023 10:31

Ogy · 10/09/2023 09:50

Not always no because DH has gone to work already. But regardless I shouldn't have to lock my door to prevent a random woman walking in my house should I?

Show quote history

Yeah...I don't know how old your DD is but leaving the front door unlocked is a risk for several reasons.

Here's one. My brother was once upstairs helping his (then) toddler DD in the toilet. The front door was unlocked and an intruder came in and stole the keys to my brother's car, driving off with it. He was quite grateful that's all the intruder actually did...

Original poster
Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:32

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 10:28

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

On a somewhat different note, @Ogy - this arrangement must be hard for everyone, especially if it involves pick-ups and drop-offs in cars, rather than an older child being able to walk independently between houses. Term-times must need some real organisational skill, given all the stuff they seem to need to take in every day.

Yes it's a nightmare!

OP posts:
Tessisme · 10/09/2023 10:32

I can't fathom having a front door that you have to physically lock.

Eh?

DixonD · 10/09/2023 10:34

Ogy · 10/09/2023 09:50

Not always no because DH has gone to work already. But regardless I shouldn't have to lock my door to prevent a random woman walking in my house should I?

Show quote history

No, but surely it’s easier all round just to lock it - our doors are always locked whether we’re in the house or not.

HaddawayAndShite · 10/09/2023 10:34

It’s rude to walk into someone’s house uninvited, but it’s clear that is not the only issue.

I also don’t think simply locking the door addresses the actual problem. It might stop her getting in but then what?

I think I'll just ask DH to speak to her and ask her to just ring DSD from the car.
I hope you both sit down with your S”D” and tell her why exactly why her mother isn’t allowed on this house.

You know this is going to have consequences on your relationship with your S”D”.

mommatoone · 10/09/2023 10:35

' Hi, in future when you come to collect Dsd could you wait for her in the car thanks'
Job done.
Why cant anyone have an adult conversation anymore.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/09/2023 10:35

Ogy · 10/09/2023 10:03

OK so I start locking the door every time, AIBU to not then let her in when she knocks and ask DSD not to let her in either?

Make sure DH speaks to her and SD. Not you. If anything explain covid risk to SD, she doesn't decide who comes in/out of your home. She's a child.

Maybe you are concerned about Covid atm and don't want anyone in the house who doesn't need to be there for virus risk. Then lock doors and keep it that way.

Mintyt · 10/09/2023 10:35

I used to lock the door and keep the key with me so the children wouldn't let her in, as they were just being polite to open the door say hello and come in

freetheunicorn1 · 10/09/2023 10:37

Lock the door 🤷🏻‍♀️

C152 · 10/09/2023 10:37

It's really rude to walk into someone's house uninvited, so YANBU to be really annoyed about that. It's also not on to be exceptionally early or late.

But I do think you're making this a bigger problem than it needs to be. So she says hello to you and makes an effort to chat to your kids? That's not sounding particularly rude to me. It sounds like a woman who is uncomfortable in a situation and doing her best while waiting for her daughter.

First of all, I'd be asking DSD to get her stuff together the night before, so it's all ready the next morning. Doesn't she have to do that now anyway for school?

Then, if you really can't stand to be in the woman's presence for the time it takes her DD to get her bag, I'd keep your door locked and when the mum rings the bell, say 'hi, I'll just get DSD for you' and close the door again.

I think that's making a bit of a rod for your own back, as you'll be seeing each other regularly for a long time and it would help if you were both to at least superficially get on, but if you can't, you can't.

ScribblingPixie · 10/09/2023 10:37

Get your lock changed to a Yale. Pretend you've lost your keys & are worried about security if you don't want to make waves. Be a bit organised so DSD is ready to go when her mum gets here, answers the door & leaves straight away.

ihadamarveloustime · 10/09/2023 10:39

'I'd appreciate it if you'd wait in your car for DSD and not just let yourself into my home, just like her father does while waiting for her at your House. Thank you."

Blueblell · 10/09/2023 10:42

I would be inclined to force her to engage with you in a few really long boring conversations so that she decides to avoid coming in.

I don’t think it is really fair to your sdd to ask her not come in. On the one hand a better relationship is probably better for you all but if it is so frequent it must be a pain.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 10/09/2023 10:43

Can’t you just ask her politely to wait at the door please? It’s YOUR house.

BackToOklahoma · 10/09/2023 10:44

She shouldn’t come in uninvited.

But it sounds like it’s possible your SD is inviting her in. If she is, then I think you should accept that as it’s her home and her mum. You could ask SD to not invite her in (if she is) but I wouldn’t do that to a child. I’d try to let it go.