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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have walked out the car dealership after this blatant rudeness, perhaps sexism?

719 replies

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:05

DH and I went to upgrade our shared family car (I drive it 80% of the time) at the local dealership.

The car was purchased 4 years ago at another (same brand) dealership and we're coming to the end of the Lease.

It was purchased under his name, this one will be purchased under my name.

The appointment was made in his name.

We arrived slightly ahead of time and we're greeted pleasantly, offered coffees and waited for the staff member. Another pleasant staff member passed by and had a brief chat with us both.

Our fellow came up to us at the wait area introduced himself to my DH, shook his hand, and started talking about the car we'd expressed an interest in.

Rather taken aback at being ignored, I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Mrs SLove.

He shook my hand and guided us to his desk where we talked for a couple of minutes about the car, then he said he'd get the keys and then show us the vehicle.

DH and I looked at each other and we saw we were on the same page that this branch did not deserve our money and we decided to leave.

I caught the manager's eye on the way out and explained our disappointment.

He was furious and tried to convince us to stay, even stopping us as we were driving off the car park. We were resolute though, and they lost a sale.

Wwbu?

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 10/09/2023 07:27

The car industry must be on its arse if managers are running after customers who are driving away.

dudsville · 10/09/2023 07:27

I think you and your dh did the right thing, and it's great that you're dhis clued up. When my dh and i were buying our home we both had our own homes each and i was selling mine too go towards the new home and we kept dh's momentarily as a fallback in case our plan didn't work. So i made the appt, i was the one with a home to sell, when we chose i made the call to put in the offer.... and if course the estate agent rang my dh's number with the sellers acceptance.

When my dh was buying a new car (i don't drive and want funding it), he wanted me to come along to try out his top choices. They largely ignored me. Poor salesmanship

topnoddy · 10/09/2023 07:29

But a lease isn't a sale is it ?

topnoddy · 10/09/2023 07:31

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 10/09/2023 07:01

I went with my ex to look at changing our 90 Defender to a 110.

Within the first thirty seconds the salesman wanted to know how we were going to finance this change. That WAS rude. We were even having one of our rare 'non scruffy days'.

We backed off, drove away and went elsewhere for that but for what you are describing, I would have waited to see how it went.

That would probably be because if he sold you a finance package he'd get a commission !

ZadocPDederick · 10/09/2023 07:33

I thought this was going to be a whole long story about how he gave your DH the keys, showed him to the driver's side etc. But so far as I can see he was told he had an appointment with a man and shook hands with the man. Once he realised you were with him he included you in the transaction, but you still went off in a huff. Very odd behaviour.

BadSkiingMum · 10/09/2023 07:33

I have had similar experiences and they are always irritating. But, could it be that a higher proportion of couples have a male-led setup than we would like to believe is the case on MN?

These salesmen must be successful a high proportion of the time otherwise they would no longer be selling cars.

Stifledlife · 10/09/2023 07:33

This happened to us with a kitchen salesman and a car dealership. With the car dealership, the salesman didn't ever talk to me, despite the fact I was the one doing the talking. I would ask a question and he would address the answer to my husband.
The kitchen salesman didn't acknowledge me at all. I arrived first and I was ignored but when DH arrived it was all glad handing and smiles. DH then said don't talk to me.. this is my wifes decision, and he STILL ignored me in favour of DH.

On both occasions we left and didn't go back. Ignorant, mysogenistic and ultimately lost them sales of significant amounts.

Trickofthetrade · 10/09/2023 07:35

laurenlodge · 09/09/2023 23:14

Yes, the salesman would have defaulted to Mr/Mrs out of politeness. You however had the chance to introduce yourself and - instead of going for your first name - opted to introduce yourself by reference to your husband. Like I said - difficult to take the moral high ground on feminism in those circumstances.

Ridiculous. Her point is that she was completely ignored..there were two of them there. He should have acknowledged them both, as in any situation when you are greeting people. You don't ignore.one of them !!

WickWood · 10/09/2023 07:37

I bought a new car a couple of months ago from a female sales assistant, i went with my OH, however the car is all in my name.

When we picked up the keys we were told, "there's hours of fun to be had on the screen, maybe you (my OH) could spend sometime looking tomorrow morning while (me) is doing the hoovering."

I did wonder if she just lacked any self awareness, but we both challenged the comment!

Insommmmnia · 10/09/2023 07:38

I think if your DH stood up when the sales person come over and you stayed sitting down its perfectly possible the sales person thought you were not together.

This however

Massive over reaction and you will be the talk of the office for that.

Know your place women or men will talk about you 🙄

WickWood · 10/09/2023 07:40

Oh, I forgot to add, I was asked to sit in the back of my own car while she wanted to go through everything with my OH. 😬

WeWereInParis · 10/09/2023 07:40

It's rude to not speak to both people, regardless of who made the appointment. You shouldn't just ignore someone who is in front of you - you'd clearly both come to look at the car.

And also, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd spoken more to him even if you had made the appointment. My DH has never been allowed drive for medical reasons, but when we got our current car he came because it's a big financial decision, and I wanted his opinion on various aspects beyond the actual driving. Even though all appointments were under my name, & I was the only one who test drove anything, several places we went to basically ignored me, handed keys automatically to DH for the test drive, spoke to DH when answering a question I'd asked.

CornishGem1975 · 10/09/2023 07:41

Looking for an issue where there isn't one. The sales person introduced themselves to the person who made the appointment.

Would you be as upset if the appointment was in your name and they had not acknowledged your husband? Doubtful.

This world has gone crazy. Why does everyone need to be affronted by everything all of the time. Life must be very exhausting.

MrsToothyBitch · 10/09/2023 07:42

No one is an entirely guilt free party here; As long as it was obvious you were there together, yes it was very rude of the salesman not to greet you both in his welcome and then direct his talk to politely include both of you. I think he should have asked whether you would also be driving it or would be contributing purchasing criteria. That's both manners and sense; it helps to build a picture of what you want and need.

The salesman is not a mind reader though so I can't fault him for not immediately knowing you were the person he actually needed to talk to. I've worked in retail and would also have initially guessed that your husband was to be the sole if not the main client based on the booking although I still would've talked to both of you to establish the situation. You should've booked it in your own name if you were the lead client/ only 1 name wanted or as mr & mrs whoever or Janet and Roger to show you're both customers. If you had done this and been thoroughly ignored or patronised then yes- vote with your feet.

The "my husband's name is on our current lease- you'll need to talk to him about ending it" chat could also be had once you'd chosen and got on to paperwork so I don't think that argument mentioned by a pp holds water either.

The main issue though; you both presumably have voices; either of you should've stopped the salesman and pointed out that he was ignoring you! It's actually ruder of your DH not to have corrected him. To an extent, you made yourself invisible and have only yourself to blame.

As for calling yourself Mrs - it's a free country, you refer to yourself as you wish. I think you were correct in this instance, too, whether "mr and mrs" is too formal in this day and age is another matter. If my husband is "Mr. Whoever" then I am "Mrs. Whoever" in accordance. Why should we be "Mr. Whoever and Sally" - this doesn't sound equal to me.

Movingandlooking · 10/09/2023 07:42

He was rude. I used to work in a dealership. If someone comes in with another eorson they are supposed to say hello to both and shakes hands with both (if that's what they would like, ofcourse). You don't just ignore another person regardless as to who's name the appointment was in etc.

However I'm more impressed they chased you for a sale. I could never get a salesman to take a customer when I worked for a dealer.

SayMumOneMoreTime · 10/09/2023 07:46

I'm surprised and saddened at the amount of posters who are happy to be invisible. It's quite shocking that people are happy with that level of service. I would have had the same reaction as you op. I will not be ignored! They didn't deserve the opportunity to sell to you.

Bethany7 · 10/09/2023 07:46

Shocked at all the replies O.P, really are.
Of course they were absolutely rude and yes likely sexist. As you said its about human interaction and basic social skills.
Let's all be honest here, had the appt been made in the O.Ps name, her name on the car etc, are you honestly saying the salesman would have ignored the man standing next to her, her husband, not even acknowledged him to the point that he has to make his presence known. Of course not!
There's either a lot of ignorance or jumping on the bandwagon on this thread!!
You were absolutely NOT being unreasonable and as I said worrying about the responses on here!! But ignorance or jumping on the bandwagon as I said!
I bet the manager was so cross that the salesman lost a sale for that basic reason.
Enjoy your new car!

LaaDeeDa321 · 10/09/2023 07:46

This has happen to me a few times and we have also walked out of the garage. My DH doesn’t drive and knows nothing about cars. Good for you for making a stand

Dibbydoos · 10/09/2023 07:46

@Sorentolove can't believe the voting here.

We'll done, I've done the same myself a few times.
Plenty more garages to get non sexist support from!

AgnesX · 10/09/2023 07:49

Densol57 · 09/09/2023 23:08

So the appointment was made in husbands name NOT yours. Salesman talks to husband
is salesman a mind reader or is there a drip feed here ?
YABU

I would expect, that when presented with two people, obviously a couple, that they'd have the common courtesy to address both and speak to both.

TibetanTerrah · 10/09/2023 07:50

This was not a sexist thing. It was YOU that put the appt in your husband's name. Put it in both, or yours, or, I don't know, use your words like a big girl...

"WE really liked xyz about the old car, I particularly liked this feature, I drive it more day-to-day, DH uses it mostly on weekends, WE need a big boot..." etc

You set the poor guy up to fail because of YOUR preconceived ideas about sexism and car dealerships. And then bragged about it on a forum for women. High five to you.

Dibbydoos · 10/09/2023 07:50

@MrsToothyBitch you're comment is hilarious. You're a crowd pleaser right?

Noone needed to correct the sales guy for his sexism not her DH not her, she introduced herself to him but he then continued to talk only to her DH.

Don't stand by watching sexism happen. Don't try to justify it.

OP and her DH were right.

The car sales industry is well known for sexism... they need to stamp it out.

VeloVixen · 10/09/2023 07:51

I agree it does seem a bit rude and sexist.

when I bought my last car I went to the dealers on my own and did not involve dh at all. The car salesman admitted this was unusual and said while he deals with single women he has never had a married woman come and buy a car on her own yet. Which to me is baffling and maybe explains why car salesmen default to talking to men 🤷‍♀️

dh has no interest in cars. In fact last time he needed a car he told me to go and find him one. So I went to the local Ford dealer on my own to buy a car for dh. When I’d found the one I thought was best I rang dh and told him you really should come and test drive it before I spend 10k on it so he dragged himself there. I think that car saleman thought it was all a bit odd! 😁

Shutuptrevor · 10/09/2023 07:51

Did you miss something out in your OP?

You were both greeted pleasantly by staff and given coffee.

The sales negotiator came out and started talking to the guy whose car it was, who was his leasing company’s current customer AND whose name the appointment had been made in.

You introduced yourself, he shook your hand and then all three of you talked about the vehicle before he said he’d go and get the keys to show it to you.

Unless there’s a detail you’ve omitted, I’m really not seeing the sexism and rudeness here.

Pipsquiggle · 10/09/2023 07:52

One of the primary functions of a salesperson is to work out quickly who is the decision maker - even in a couple, there will be someone will have more sway.

I just feel this situation could have been handled better by everyone.Yes he should have included you but he could have genuinely thought your DH was by himself. You / DH could have introduced yourself sooner and made it clear it was your car.

You just stropping off and telling his manager on him rather than giving him direct feedback probably means he will be bollocked rather than have a quiet chat /teachable moment with you.