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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have walked out the car dealership after this blatant rudeness, perhaps sexism?

719 replies

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:05

DH and I went to upgrade our shared family car (I drive it 80% of the time) at the local dealership.

The car was purchased 4 years ago at another (same brand) dealership and we're coming to the end of the Lease.

It was purchased under his name, this one will be purchased under my name.

The appointment was made in his name.

We arrived slightly ahead of time and we're greeted pleasantly, offered coffees and waited for the staff member. Another pleasant staff member passed by and had a brief chat with us both.

Our fellow came up to us at the wait area introduced himself to my DH, shook his hand, and started talking about the car we'd expressed an interest in.

Rather taken aback at being ignored, I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Mrs SLove.

He shook my hand and guided us to his desk where we talked for a couple of minutes about the car, then he said he'd get the keys and then show us the vehicle.

DH and I looked at each other and we saw we were on the same page that this branch did not deserve our money and we decided to leave.

I caught the manager's eye on the way out and explained our disappointment.

He was furious and tried to convince us to stay, even stopping us as we were driving off the car park. We were resolute though, and they lost a sale.

Wwbu?

OP posts:
Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 06:57

Maybe lack of courtesy but nothing to suggest sexism given that your husband booked the appointment. If he’d ignored you during his patter after you let him know you were the one buying…

Also, what if you’d been his sister and he greeted you as Mrs x? He was probably waiting for an introduction since you weren’t known to the branch

I’d have given him the opportunity to see how he behaved, you overreacted IMO

ChampagneLassie · 10/09/2023 06:58

Yeah not great but I’d struggle to get that annoyed about it. As you say appointment booked in H name. I find the salespeople so annoying I’d happily have avoided unnecessary chat, I just wat to test drive the car

squashi · 10/09/2023 06:58

I agree that he should have acknowledged both of you. I think you made your point by introducing yourself, and didn't necessarily need to leave, but so be it - they've lost a sale, as you say.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 10/09/2023 07:01

I went with my ex to look at changing our 90 Defender to a 110.

Within the first thirty seconds the salesman wanted to know how we were going to finance this change. That WAS rude. We were even having one of our rare 'non scruffy days'.

We backed off, drove away and went elsewhere for that but for what you are describing, I would have waited to see how it went.

muddyford · 10/09/2023 07:01

Next time make the appointment in your name. Last time DH and I bought a car, we were selling both ours and buying one between us. Dealer clocked very quickly that I was the interested one that did the bulk of the driving. It's not merely his attitude to you that counts, but yours to the entire interaction.

amlie8 · 10/09/2023 07:01

God, why didn't one of you simply say 'oh no, it's Jane/me who this car is for'. Then your husband steps back and you step forward to carry on the conversation. Not bloody hard, is it?

Inkanta · 10/09/2023 07:02

I get exactly what you mean OP and you did right to walk. In my experience these car dealerships are macho places and definitely sexist. Woman are ignored and patronized if the male partner is present.

Lorelielee · 10/09/2023 07:03

Loving the communication with the knowing looks to DH and the angry look to the manager. 👀

ruby1957 · 10/09/2023 07:04

YABU - calling this kind of instance sexism is diluting the incidence of real 'sexism' where it matters.

If you are financing the car, driving it 80% (the salesman did not know this) you should have gone in by yourself without anyone else or your husband should be with you and make it clear that the car is for the family but yours is the final decision.

I am old enough to have encountered real sexism in working life and when dealing with salesmen/tradesmen (now have the added incidence of ageism) yours was a massive overreaction.

Tweedledeee · 10/09/2023 07:07

I went into the local Toyota garage to see what the new models were like (DH works abroad) and was ignored so walked out.
Haven't been back in the 4 years since.

forallthelove · 10/09/2023 07:08

YABU. you were rude. I don't get why you were so upset.

Tweedledeee · 10/09/2023 07:08

He'll acknowledge the female in the couple next time. Quite right OP.

Tweedledeee · 10/09/2023 07:09

I don't get why everyone thinks it's ok to INFORM the salesman that he needs to also speak to the wife.

RudsyFarmer · 10/09/2023 07:10

I think I’d have a had to have seen this in person to know if you were overreacting. I’ve just gone through the pain of buying a car and I never felt ignored. Even though the car was going to be mine I’m pretty sure the salesman mainly dealt with my DP and I couldn’t have cared less.

You will probably find an issue in most places if you try hard enough and it sounds like you went in testing them. Hopefully you didn’t lose him his job.

SophieJo · 10/09/2023 07:12

MrsJBaptiste · 09/09/2023 23:17

^ This.

I was waiting for much more than that in the OP 🙄

Show quote history

So was I. Seems to be an overreaction. Poor bloke.

Secnarf · 10/09/2023 07:14

I wasn’t surprised when I saw your title, but I was expecting the transgression to be a little more, but of course there’s a lot of non-verbal cues that we wouldn’t see just from reading a post, and there was clearly enough that BOTH you and your husband felt irritated enough to walk out for.

What was his reaction when you introduced yourself. I would give him another chance if he seemed mortified, and then ensured he included you in the discussion. I would be miffed too if he shook your hand to humour you and then continued to ignore you.

We had a similar experience when buying the car before last. We had spotted an ex-showroom vehicle that we were interested in. We were both greeted, but after that the salesman spoke at my husband. My husband repeatedly said that it was going to be my car and I would be paying for it.

Even after I paid the deposit on my credit card, when he gave us the paperwork, it was in my husband’s name (with all my contact details, so it had the name of Simon Smith, but the email address of [email protected])

They corrected it when I got back in touch. However, despite the fact I had given my title, it was recorded as Mrs. I have never been Mrs Smith. I got back again. They promised to correct it, and when we received the actual final paperwork and V5 with the vehicle, it was still Mrs, which felt like one final microaggression after everything else.

It irked me every time the car was due for service. Clearly there was a second database that had my husband’s name associated with my car. They would call my number asking for my husband. And then always refer to me as Mrs Smith.

We recently bought my current car. It was completely different. We were both included right from the start.

Canisaysomething · 10/09/2023 07:18

But how was he meant to know you were together or even his wife? You could have been his lover or sister or anyone. Why didn't your husband just introduce you? Seems pretty odd he didn't. It's your DH who was at fault here, the car dealer isn't a mind reader.

MrsJamin · 10/09/2023 07:18

This is so strange, we had pretty much the same happen to us, I wonder whether it was the same car dealer!

The appointment was made by my husband but we were both there by the car when the salesman came up to us and shook my husband's hand but literally didn't look at me once. Seriously, not just that he didn't say hello to me, he didn't make any eye contact whatsoever, as if I was invisible. The sexism was so overt and outrageous. The salesman and his manager also gave us wrong advice about the car compared to what we had read and understood about it (it was electric and they just said wrong things about what it could do). We have since double checked and we were right,they were wrong and they were very patronising telling us they were right. It's that classic male thing of not being able to admit you don't know so they just try and bullshit their way through the situation.

I don't understand why so many of you were so tolerant of the OP's salesman. Why shouldn't she have been treated better? Why should that dealer have got a purchase from them?

BirthdayFlake · 10/09/2023 07:18

Certainlyreally · 09/09/2023 23:12

So they tried to block you leaving the car park??

Hmm

This made me giggle. Why did I imagine the manager blocking the entrance saying 'your not going anywhere! '

I think the heat has got to me 😂

LightSpeeds · 10/09/2023 07:21

Well done OP. Hope they've learned a lesson there!!

MiddleParking · 10/09/2023 07:21

It sounds like you went hoping they’d slight you in some way so you could call it sexist on the internet.

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2023 07:23

In this case yabu.

I booked an appointment to view a car in my name. My name is on my car. It was a motatbility car for ds and he's obviously the disabled one.

But when they came they shook my hand. Because I was the one who stood up, it was in my name which they had. When I said car was for ds and he stood he shook ds hand too.

Unless you had a name badge indicating you were together and he ignored you once you made it clear you were I can't see it as any major wrongdoing. Unless you said you would drive it most of the time and it'll be in your name and he continued to speak to just you dh I can't see it as any major wrongdoing.

The manager was probably more annoyed at losing a sale than his sales person!

ZickZack · 10/09/2023 07:23

Op: Am I being unreasonable?
MN: yes
Op: No, I'm not

StepAwayFromGoogling · 10/09/2023 07:24

Tweedledeee · 10/09/2023 07:07

I went into the local Toyota garage to see what the new models were like (DH works abroad) and was ignored so walked out.
Haven't been back in the 4 years since.

And were you just wandering around or did you walk up to someone who worked there and say "I'm interested in...". Christ alive, that's not sexist.

whatchagonnado · 10/09/2023 07:25

sandyhappypeople · 09/09/2023 23:51

one of my jobs is in a vehicle sales showroom, the customer is your DH, the appointment was made in DH's name and he is the one the salesman would assume is the person leading / buying the car, I think he's inadvertently offended you, but without any other instances of him being 'rude' I think you've overreacted massively.

What your DH SHOULD have done at the point the salesman shook his hand and introduced himself is to then introduce you and say, this is my wife (insert name here) and tell the salesman that the appointment is actually for you as you were the one the car is for.

The outcome at that point would have been very different.

This 👆
It was a minor slight by the salesman and should have been addressed at the time. YABU to walk out over it