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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have walked out the car dealership after this blatant rudeness, perhaps sexism?

719 replies

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:05

DH and I went to upgrade our shared family car (I drive it 80% of the time) at the local dealership.

The car was purchased 4 years ago at another (same brand) dealership and we're coming to the end of the Lease.

It was purchased under his name, this one will be purchased under my name.

The appointment was made in his name.

We arrived slightly ahead of time and we're greeted pleasantly, offered coffees and waited for the staff member. Another pleasant staff member passed by and had a brief chat with us both.

Our fellow came up to us at the wait area introduced himself to my DH, shook his hand, and started talking about the car we'd expressed an interest in.

Rather taken aback at being ignored, I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Mrs SLove.

He shook my hand and guided us to his desk where we talked for a couple of minutes about the car, then he said he'd get the keys and then show us the vehicle.

DH and I looked at each other and we saw we were on the same page that this branch did not deserve our money and we decided to leave.

I caught the manager's eye on the way out and explained our disappointment.

He was furious and tried to convince us to stay, even stopping us as we were driving off the car park. We were resolute though, and they lost a sale.

Wwbu?

OP posts:
Llamadramallama · 10/09/2023 01:00

I bought a new (to me) car this year. My old car was registered in my husband’s name as I was at uni at the time we got it. He has a company car and never drives mine. Went to Cazoo - they made me bring my marriage certificate and my husband as proof that he was allowed to let me part ex the car. They devalued the car so we didn’t go ahead with it - but did think wtf at the time, surely anyone is allowed to part ex a car without a marriage certificate eg if my parents part ex theirs. Went to a local approved reused garage, with my husband, said are you going to ask us for marriage certificate. He said haha no. When he told us the price for the car (which we’d already said was my car) I said yes that’s fine and he LOOKED AT MY HUSBAND AND ASKED HIM IF IT WAS OK. We said simultaneously that it wasn’t his decision. Fine. I didn’t change my name upon marriage (neither did my husband) - I signed the finance paperwork in Miss as that’s what my bank account is in. I used to work as a bank manager. Next day the manager calls me and tells me that legally my name is Mrs (surname) so therefore my finance paperwork has to be Mrs as that’s my legal name. I argue that there’s no such thing as a legal title. He puts it though as Mrs instead. I ring my mum and tell her that apparently she has a new car. Change my name on all documents back to Ms and will never go there again 🙄

Lorelielee · 10/09/2023 01:11

When did you decide to shoehorn this boring nothingness into a story worthy of sharing on the internet as an example of a ‘patriarchy micro aggression’ that you defeated. 😂

Surely, the Salesperson deserved some respect too and it would have been better to treat him as a human being and explain it was you buying the car. Three adult human beings in a situation.

cringing for you. If you told me this in real life I would have waited for the punchline. Is this your big story for today? You aren’t that important and neither is your car.

Hairballing · 10/09/2023 01:12

Of course he should have introduced himself to both people. How rude just to ignore you!

SmokedGlass · 10/09/2023 01:12

I’ve had this happen to me in several dealerships over the years
walk in with partner, we look at various vehicles, I ask many questions - I have done my research and know what I’m looking for
The salesman looks at husband whilst answering my questions - husband says…..direct your answers to my wife, she will be the one driving the car
Salesman laughs it off and I walk out the door, so many dealerships lose a sale over the salesman ignoring the lady
The car showroom is still such a misogynistic world

greenmarsupial · 10/09/2023 01:14

It doesn't really sound like he didn't acknowledge you at all tbh, just that he thought your DH was the customer so he said hello and then focused on him.

I'm not saying sexism isn't a problem in the motor industry - it definitely is- more that you were fairly passive your response and could have easily resolved the situation. I'm always the one who had done all the research and make the decisions so I just answer their questions and then they focus on me. DH tends to just nod along in the background.

A PP said to use your words and I totally agree!

CosyFanTucci · 10/09/2023 01:14

DH at fault. Salesperson introduces himself to the person in whose name the booking was made. DH says pleased to meet you and this (my wife/partner/whatever) Janet. Sales person: hello Janet. Janet: Hello! I’ll be financing and driving the car.
If salesperson then directs conversation exclusively at DH, OP might have a case.

NoSaladThanks · 10/09/2023 01:16

CosyFanTucci · 10/09/2023 01:14

DH at fault. Salesperson introduces himself to the person in whose name the booking was made. DH says pleased to meet you and this (my wife/partner/whatever) Janet. Sales person: hello Janet. Janet: Hello! I’ll be financing and driving the car.
If salesperson then directs conversation exclusively at DH, OP might have a case.

Just what I was about to say.

cokezero26 · 10/09/2023 01:16

Despite the fact the appointment was in your husband’s name, it is basic good grace and courtesy to greet anyone else who might be attending the appointment with him. It does sound quite rude and honestly I don’t blame you for walking out on that basis. I wouldn’t be impressed either.

sandyhappypeople · 10/09/2023 01:18

Llamadramallama · 10/09/2023 01:00

I bought a new (to me) car this year. My old car was registered in my husband’s name as I was at uni at the time we got it. He has a company car and never drives mine. Went to Cazoo - they made me bring my marriage certificate and my husband as proof that he was allowed to let me part ex the car. They devalued the car so we didn’t go ahead with it - but did think wtf at the time, surely anyone is allowed to part ex a car without a marriage certificate eg if my parents part ex theirs. Went to a local approved reused garage, with my husband, said are you going to ask us for marriage certificate. He said haha no. When he told us the price for the car (which we’d already said was my car) I said yes that’s fine and he LOOKED AT MY HUSBAND AND ASKED HIM IF IT WAS OK. We said simultaneously that it wasn’t his decision. Fine. I didn’t change my name upon marriage (neither did my husband) - I signed the finance paperwork in Miss as that’s what my bank account is in. I used to work as a bank manager. Next day the manager calls me and tells me that legally my name is Mrs (surname) so therefore my finance paperwork has to be Mrs as that’s my legal name. I argue that there’s no such thing as a legal title. He puts it though as Mrs instead. I ring my mum and tell her that apparently she has a new car. Change my name on all documents back to Ms and will never go there again 🙄

there's a lot to unpick here..

If you were calling Cazoo to arrange to part ex a car that isn't in your name it would be appropriate of them to ask you for proof of authorization for you to be selling it? Otherwise any disgruntled partner could rock up and sell their partners car?

If you went to a local garage WITH your husband to sell a car in his name, they wouldn't need the proof as he was there in person to give his authorization? the garage would need to ascertain that the car owner is happy to go ahead with it though, hence the question to him specifically

100% the finance company would have kicked that back to the dealer with regards to the name discrepancy, the dealer wouldn't be bothered, but finance can be awkward, they can flag up the stupidest of things, so instead of having it fail, he changed the non important pronoun, bit odd, but obviously a requirement of the finance company for whatever reason, if it makes no difference from a legal standpoint I'm not sure why it would bother you?

justasking111 · 10/09/2023 01:21

I take the lead in conversations like this making it clear at the start that it's my purchase. It avoids misunderstandings

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 10/09/2023 01:24

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 23:10

DH made the appointment.
DH owned last car.
DH was looking for a new car.

How were they to know the new car was being financed by you?

That’s an excuse for not even saying hello?

curaçao · 10/09/2023 01:24

I think you are trying very hard to find something to be offended by

Monopause · 10/09/2023 01:29

SullysTail · 10/09/2023 00:16

I work in sales. Speaking to the audience (addressing the whole party) is par for the course.

It doesn't matter who's name the appointment was in. Two people turned up, you acknowledge and "sell" to them both. It doesn't matter what the dynamic is, generally they'll want to agree/one will help the other make the decision so both opinions are equally important.

I booked all of our house viewings, does that mean my DH should be ignored by the estate agent?

Thank you Sully for getting to the nub of the issue. All this about ‘making the appointment in the husband’s name’ Jesus, surely you just phone these places up and say ‘ can I make an appointment to look at a car please?’ Yes, can I take your name?’ And then the sales person goes away and goes ‘this appointment is in the name of this person- I shall focus my sales skills on this person and anyone with them is subordinate’

Fucking nonsense. Do your job properly. Sell the car. Don’t make your personal, sexist attitudes get in the way of a sale. Capitalism.

EconomyClassRockstar · 10/09/2023 01:33

Some of these responses are insane. It doesn't matter who is buying the car, not introducing yourself to both people there is just plain bad salesmanship. And it's rude!

ToBrieOrNotToBrieThatIsTheQuestion · 10/09/2023 01:36

Is that it?

I drive a classic car and I get routinely asked by men (it is always middle aged white men; this happens about once a week at this time of year) if I can drive it Confused No, because my fallopian tubes wrapped themselves around the gearbox?! Not once has a woman asked the same question.

In my 'daily driver' diesel car, I was in the Halfords car park adding AdBlue when an older man walked up to me and was genuinely concerned that I was adding laundry liquid to the tank ConfusedShock

WandaWonder · 10/09/2023 01:42

I think you want this to be something it is not

sandyhappypeople · 10/09/2023 01:48

ToBrieOrNotToBrieThatIsTheQuestion · 10/09/2023 01:36

Is that it?

I drive a classic car and I get routinely asked by men (it is always middle aged white men; this happens about once a week at this time of year) if I can drive it Confused No, because my fallopian tubes wrapped themselves around the gearbox?! Not once has a woman asked the same question.

In my 'daily driver' diesel car, I was in the Halfords car park adding AdBlue when an older man walked up to me and was genuinely concerned that I was adding laundry liquid to the tank ConfusedShock

In my 'daily driver' diesel car, I was in the Halfords car park adding AdBlue when an older man walked up to me and was genuinely concerned that I was adding laundry liquid to the tank

That is hilarious! 🤣

I work in a male dominated industry, some middle to older age men just can’t help it and it does crack me up, I find it hard to get upset about it because it doesn’t seem to be on purpose, every now and again I have to go to the office door and shout loud enough for everyone to hear ‘Kev, can you come and help this customer please, he needs a MAN with a PENIS!’

Thatladdo · 10/09/2023 02:44

An important thing to remember is this wasnt a car SALE it was to terminate one rental agreement in a current clients name who made / had the appointment( and negotiate any overmilage and damage charges) and to arrange a new application to hire another new car in a different persons name (who didnt actualy have an appointment. ( see the problem here? )

Dealers make very little from arranging cars PCH, its a nominal fee they get.

Twillow · 10/09/2023 02:58

I raise you the letter I received from a garage recently addressed to Mr Twillow, who I have been divorced from for many years and has never lived at this address or dealt with said garage. Lost my custom immediately.

CherryCokeFanatic · 10/09/2023 02:58

Did the customers sat on the sofas by the coffee machine and girl on reception clap?

BeeVer · 10/09/2023 03:15

If I was meeting a client (or really, anyone in most circumstances), and when I arrived to greet them there was a third person who appeared to be attending with them, I’d normally expect the client to introduce to third person. I think your husband didn’t follow basic social norms and it made for a bit of an awkward situation.

There’s a Mumsnet thread in an alternative universe where a poster is offended because she’s sat in the waiting area of the showroom and is assumed (rightly or wrongly) to be there with a man who’s also there.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 10/09/2023 03:15

The appointment was in DHs name, therefore the sales person spoke to him. What a palaver over nothing, I'm genuinely embarrassed for you.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/09/2023 03:42

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:12

Again, shouldn't both parties attending an appointment be acknowledged?

It's just basic courtesy of interaction, let alone in a sales situation.

@Sorentolove Absolutely it is basic courtesy. And basic customer service.

Good luck with your new car that you didn’t purchase from them. And maybe they will work on their level of customer service.

azlazee1 · 10/09/2023 03:43

I had a similar experience. I was shopping for a new car and my brother came along. I have always purchased my own cars. The salesman insisted on talking to my brother even when we told him I was the buyer. He took us out for a drive and wanted my brother to sit up front. We once again informed him that I was the purchaser. I think he really thought my brother would be making the decision. Very annoying.

momonpurpose · 10/09/2023 03:48

laurenlodge · 09/09/2023 23:09

If you introduced yourself as Mrs anything then you lost all right to complain about sexism I'm afraid. How embarrassing.

Right! Reading it made me cringe with second hand embarrassment!