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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have walked out the car dealership after this blatant rudeness, perhaps sexism?

719 replies

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:05

DH and I went to upgrade our shared family car (I drive it 80% of the time) at the local dealership.

The car was purchased 4 years ago at another (same brand) dealership and we're coming to the end of the Lease.

It was purchased under his name, this one will be purchased under my name.

The appointment was made in his name.

We arrived slightly ahead of time and we're greeted pleasantly, offered coffees and waited for the staff member. Another pleasant staff member passed by and had a brief chat with us both.

Our fellow came up to us at the wait area introduced himself to my DH, shook his hand, and started talking about the car we'd expressed an interest in.

Rather taken aback at being ignored, I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Mrs SLove.

He shook my hand and guided us to his desk where we talked for a couple of minutes about the car, then he said he'd get the keys and then show us the vehicle.

DH and I looked at each other and we saw we were on the same page that this branch did not deserve our money and we decided to leave.

I caught the manager's eye on the way out and explained our disappointment.

He was furious and tried to convince us to stay, even stopping us as we were driving off the car park. We were resolute though, and they lost a sale.

Wwbu?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:59

This probably suggested she was taking no part in the transaction, never mind being the primary instigator.

Please.

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 12:01

“I’m a car dealer, I always assume a woman sitting next to a man in a car showroom is the man’s wife, not there in her own right,” said most car salesmen since forever 😂. Yes, he could and should have apologised for not realising she was with her dh, but that is the extent of the offence in the way the OP has expressed it.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:02

Imvho, it’s a bit rich to talk about sexism when your dh has made the appointment in his sole name, even though his dw plans to be the main driver (and also is of the current car, which is nevertheless financed in his name).

Why? You can finance, drive and book appointments any way you want within a couple ????

🤔

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 12:03

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:02

Imvho, it’s a bit rich to talk about sexism when your dh has made the appointment in his sole name, even though his dw plans to be the main driver (and also is of the current car, which is nevertheless financed in his name).

Why? You can finance, drive and book appointments any way you want within a couple ????

🤔

See my comment above. If you assume sexism in an innocuous situation, why should others not do the same?

ChristmasFluff · 10/09/2023 12:03

Oh, FFS, of course if you want a sale you talk to both people!

When I took a (female) friend with me to look at cars, the salesmen always spoke to both of us - it's just normal human interaction, surely? And if you want a sale, you want the person there to help sway the 'buyer'.

Whether he was sexist or not, he was a crap salesman.

WimpoleHat · 10/09/2023 12:03

Why is it not sexist to assume a woman sitting next to the man whose appointment it is, is with the man and not awaiting an appointment of her own?

Exactly! And if the DH (whose appointment it was in the salesman’s diary) didn’t introduce the OP, how on earth was he supposed to infer that she was his wife who would have an equal say in the decision? I still think the fault here was with the DH.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:04

I’m a car dealer, I always assume a woman sitting next to a man in a car showroom is the man’s wife, not there in her own right,” said most car salesmen since forever 😂. Yes, he could and should have apologised for not realising she was with her dh, but that is the extent of the offence in the way the OP has expressed it.

"Rather taken aback at being ignored". OP chose to spend her money where she wasn't.

Bad move salesman. Bad move.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:09

Do not tell this wouldn't have been discussed with the dealer by his manager.

Whilst OP will continue spending her money where she will be acknowledged and treated with courtesy, I would put money on the fact, this salesman will be changing his ways.

HarrietJet · 10/09/2023 12:14

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:59

This probably suggested she was taking no part in the transaction, never mind being the primary instigator.

Please.

Please, what? You think it was normal for op to remain sitting down saying nothing as the salesman approached, and her dh to also ignore the fact that she was there?

JaceLancs · 10/09/2023 12:16

I remember going to view a car with ExDH - when it came to test drive they handed him the keys and he had to explain he didn’t have a driving licence
I always take DP to viewings as he’s very knowledgeable about vehicles but he points out straightaway that the car isn’t for him nor is he paying
its not just car dealers though I got ignored and mansplained in a furniture shop recently whilst trying to buy a new bed (Years ago I was the manager of a well known chain of bed specialists) in the end I went to John Lewis who were much more customer friendly

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:19

Please, what? You think it was normal for op to remain sitting down saying nothing as the salesman approached, and her dh to also ignore the fact that she was there?

Since when has being sat down indicated

This probably suggested she was taking no part in the transaction, never mind being the primary instigator.

It's a massive leap. And a silly presumption no half decent salesperson would make. And it clearly didn't mean that. The sales people are there to SELL.

Sales = commission, business, revenue

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:21

Posters are talking like the sales people are doing you a favour.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 10/09/2023 12:25

Why did you remain sitting down?
If the salesperson had been female, would you have reacted in the same way?

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:27

I'm getting vibes of that scene in Pretty Woman where the shop assistants are rude to Julia Roberts and she leaves the shop and comes another day with all her bags.

"Bad Move, Really Bad Move "

Obviously this is not as extreme. But the salesman handled it badly. He'll be rethinking.

HarrietJet · 10/09/2023 12:28

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:19

Please, what? You think it was normal for op to remain sitting down saying nothing as the salesman approached, and her dh to also ignore the fact that she was there?

Since when has being sat down indicated

This probably suggested she was taking no part in the transaction, never mind being the primary instigator.

It's a massive leap. And a silly presumption no half decent salesperson would make. And it clearly didn't mean that. The sales people are there to SELL.

Sales = commission, business, revenue

Her dh stood up to greet the salesman and shook his hand, op remained sitting down.
It would have suggested she wasn't getting involved to me, and it seems to have suggested the same to the salesman 🤷🏻‍♀️
There's nothing clear about it not actually meaning that at all.
She could have been a friend who'd driven him there; with him being in the market for a new car..

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 12:29

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 11:28

This is well put - if always feels that those types of posts are critical of women's choices and are not what I feel is feminist, and ironically, are doing the very thing they are criticising the woman for. However, they are most likely coming from a place of passion and wanting better for women, and feelings of frustration and I think we all get that. It takes a lot of reflection and work to realise how much women are still carrying the patriarchy torch and passing it on, as it's so unconscious. I'm sure someone would be able to come along and find the internalised misogyny in my posts, that I am unaware of.

Show quote history

These views may come from a place of passion, but, imvho, they are deeply misogynistic and have swallowed whole the hierarchy of importance of human characteristics established by the patriarchy and are spewing it all back out again unchallenged. The same line of argument is also sometimes expressed as, “if caring for others were so great, why don’t more men choose to do it?” It is an argument that assumes men have everything of value, rather than that there is a power imbalance between those who care and those who are acquisitive. It is an argument whose logical conclusion is that everyone should be more acquisitive and less caring, or expect to be used and abused and deserve it if you are.

toomuchforonewoman · 10/09/2023 12:29

HarrietJet · 10/09/2023 12:28

Her dh stood up to greet the salesman and shook his hand, op remained sitting down.
It would have suggested she wasn't getting involved to me, and it seems to have suggested the same to the salesman 🤷🏻‍♀️
There's nothing clear about it not actually meaning that at all.
She could have been a friend who'd driven him there; with him being in the market for a new car..

Show quote history

Absolutely this. Ridiculous non story for the sake of it.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:32

She could have been a friend who'd driven him there; with him being in the market for a new car..

And an decent, pro active salesman could have stuck his hand out and smiled and taken the initiative. ( What's the worst that could have happened ? Don't tell me it's the first time people haven't stood up together )

You know, because he's there to do a job and there are £1,000s on the line.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:33

Why are we so apologist for sloppy service?

Goldenbear · 10/09/2023 12:43

What I've taken from this thread is that sexism can only be experienced by those who are not married - now that is 'hilarious'!

theemmadilemma · 10/09/2023 12:44

Salesman is a dickhead a d deserved to loose the sale.

If two people are present you include them both because who knows who actually holds the purse strings or final say, might not be the person who's name was on the car, or appointment.

In this scenario I've always been very much included in the conversation.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:44

What I've taken from this thread is that sexism can only be experienced by those who are not married - now that is 'hilarious'!

yes 🤔😁

sandyhappypeople · 10/09/2023 12:45

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:32

She could have been a friend who'd driven him there; with him being in the market for a new car..

And an decent, pro active salesman could have stuck his hand out and smiled and taken the initiative. ( What's the worst that could have happened ? Don't tell me it's the first time people haven't stood up together )

You know, because he's there to do a job and there are £1,000s on the line.

Not everyone wants to shake hands anymore, especially since COVID, it’s not really a thing anymore, women less so than men in my experience, if someone was sat down and didn’t stand up to greet me, I’d acknowledge them with eye contact when I introduced myself but I wouldn’t necessarily offer my hand to them as their body language says that they don’t want to be touched.

the husband stood up to greet the salesman so that’s who the salesman greeted, I don’t think he ignored op because she was a woman, he greeted the person who stood up to greet him, if the op didn’t stand up to be greeted at the same time, then the husband should have introduced her immediately after.

I think it was just a miscommunication that OP was determined to be outraged about.

if this sort of thing annoys op and she wants to be treated exactly the same she should stand up at the same time and offer her hand exactly as the husband did?

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:49

if this sort of thing annoys op and she wants to be treated exactly the same she should stand up at the same time and offer her hand exactly as the husband did?

Nope the onus is on the salesperson.
They are the ones who want the £1000s of pound of business. They want the sale.

Some customers are more pedantic than others. They need to be on their toes.

Customers vote with the

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 12:50

Customers vote with their feet. And OP did just that.

Too bad on him. He was sloppy .