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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have walked out the car dealership after this blatant rudeness, perhaps sexism?

719 replies

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:05

DH and I went to upgrade our shared family car (I drive it 80% of the time) at the local dealership.

The car was purchased 4 years ago at another (same brand) dealership and we're coming to the end of the Lease.

It was purchased under his name, this one will be purchased under my name.

The appointment was made in his name.

We arrived slightly ahead of time and we're greeted pleasantly, offered coffees and waited for the staff member. Another pleasant staff member passed by and had a brief chat with us both.

Our fellow came up to us at the wait area introduced himself to my DH, shook his hand, and started talking about the car we'd expressed an interest in.

Rather taken aback at being ignored, I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Mrs SLove.

He shook my hand and guided us to his desk where we talked for a couple of minutes about the car, then he said he'd get the keys and then show us the vehicle.

DH and I looked at each other and we saw we were on the same page that this branch did not deserve our money and we decided to leave.

I caught the manager's eye on the way out and explained our disappointment.

He was furious and tried to convince us to stay, even stopping us as we were driving off the car park. We were resolute though, and they lost a sale.

Wwbu?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 10/09/2023 11:17

ProudToBeANorthener · 10/09/2023 10:09

I cannot believe that in the 21st century any poster on here thinks that it’s okay to ignore a woman. It’s the height of bad manners and completely disrespectful. I’d have walked out too. I was once told that I could pick the colour and drive the car 🚗 if I was lucky; we walked out too.
For those of you who think it’s okay, in my opinion, it’s not okay whatever the gender of the person being ignored but here it’s clear gender bias. Women’s hard won rights are already being eroded; if you or your partner accept it, you don’t just have a problem with the car dealer. It’s a far bigger issue 😢

I agree with this^ those who are saying “the appointment was in his name “ are missing the point . It was about rudeness, and it looked like the rudeness was based on sexism.
You’ve done right OP, I admire you and your DH. Enjoy your new car!

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:17

Sale/ Lease = ££££££s

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:18

pizzaHeart · 10/09/2023 11:17

I agree with this^ those who are saying “the appointment was in his name “ are missing the point . It was about rudeness, and it looked like the rudeness was based on sexism.
You’ve done right OP, I admire you and your DH. Enjoy your new car!

Show quote history

Why is it not sexist to assume a woman sitting next to the man whose appointment it is, is with the man and not awaiting an appointment of her own?

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:19

Is it normal to say hello to, and shake hands with, everyone sitting in a waiting room?

Couldyounot · 10/09/2023 11:20

Dealer has had a lucky escape here, by the sound of it

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:20

Dealer has had a lucky escape here, by the sound of it

Nah seller lost a big sale. Commission anyone ??

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:23

Dealer LOST a sale.

He'll be kicking himself.

ihadamarveloustime · 10/09/2023 11:28

You can bet also, that the 'why did you take your husband's surname' brigade are ALL single/unmarried!

Nope. Married, kept my own name, do ask the question of friends who have expressed unhappiness at changing their names upon marriage.

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 11:28

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:12

The way this has been worded gives the strong impression that feminists are more critical of women for “doing what is expected” by caring than they are critical of men for “doing what is expected” by providing. It always feels like the focus is on women having to care less and provide more, rather than in men providing less and caring more, and the result of that is not feminism so much as an uncaring society where it is still perceived to be the “weak” who care, whether male, female or gender neutral… It’s still the patriarchy talking if you pretend everyone can provide more and care more (on the basis that “caring” is looked down on and a bit of an afterthought, or something that is supposed to be innate and instinctive, despite the fact men don’t appear to do it enough).

Show quote history

This is well put - if always feels that those types of posts are critical of women's choices and are not what I feel is feminist, and ironically, are doing the very thing they are criticising the woman for. However, they are most likely coming from a place of passion and wanting better for women, and feelings of frustration and I think we all get that. It takes a lot of reflection and work to realise how much women are still carrying the patriarchy torch and passing it on, as it's so unconscious. I'm sure someone would be able to come along and find the internalised misogyny in my posts, that I am unaware of.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:30

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 23:10

DH made the appointment.
DH owned last car.
DH was looking for a new car.

How were they to know the new car was being financed by you?

She was still standing right there. So basic manners is that she is spoken to and included in the conversation

Cosyblankets · 10/09/2023 11:30

Not everyone who goes to a car dealer is a couple. I went with my brother a while back because we were going on somewhere else. I was not in the slightest offended that they dealt with him. Having said that though my brother had the courtesy to introduce me as his sister. OP husband didn't have the courtesy to introduce her as his wife.
I also went one time with my husband to buy his car and I did most of the negotiation, again after i had been introduced. I did most of the negotiation simply because he'd be the first to admit he's no good at stuff like that. He knows more about cars but I'm better with the finance side.
So two occasions where I've been with a male. One where it was appropriate for me to be part of the conversation and one where i wasn't. On both of those occasions, the person whose appointment it was introduced me.
OP maybe it's your husband who needs to learn some manners.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:31

oioicheeky · 10/09/2023 11:14

Appointment was in your husbands name.

Massive overreaction.

"Dealership didn't deserve our money" Grin

You've just inconvenienced yourselves, nothing more.

It would have been as bad if the appt was in the OP's name and they blanked her DH.

Manners cost nothing

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2023 11:32

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:44

That’s what I wondered. OP only stood up when she hadn’t been acknowledged. Maybe he didn’t know they were together at that particular time. I guess he could have asked if they were together but he might have just thought the person who stood up was the person he was dealing with.

I would have stood up at the same time personally, not sure why OP remained seated.

Show quote history

That was the only thing that gave me pause.

Otherwise I’d say the salesman was definitely unreasonable.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2023 11:33

True that the DH could have introduced her

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/09/2023 11:36

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 10/09/2023 10:37

This ^ with bells on!

Me and DH have almost always only ever had one car. We have only had one car between us for most of the 30 years we have been together.

At least 8 or 9 times over the past 30 years, when me and DH have got a new car, I've driven it somewhere (on my own, or with the kids,) to the coast or something, and someone has said to my husband... 'you let her drive it?! You let her drive your new car?' Hmm

Genuinely gobsmacked and slightly annoyed that my husband ALLOWED me to drive the car. Me and DH were like...... Confused DH always says 'ermm, it's OUR car. Of course Summer is going to drive it. We are not going to buy a car and have her walk or get the bus everywhere.'

Much to my absolute disgust - and this was only 7 years ago when we got a new car, a woman we know who's around our age, said to my DH, 'you let her drive your car? I can't believe you let her behind the wheel of your car!' She was fucking 48 years old. And it was 2016, not the dark ages! I was gobsmacked!

My DH, much to my absolute delight, said 'it's our car - we both share it. We bought it together and are paying for it together. And I am chuffed that she lets ME drive it.' And he laughed at her. She just looked half offended and half baffled. Like Hmm and then Confused.

My DH's dumb brother way back 25 or so years ago said shit like this, as did several male neighbours and male colleagues of DH's, and one of his uncles born in the 40s ... But that time 7 years ago - was the first time a woman had said it. Absolutely foul sexist, misogynistic attitude that belongs in Victorian times. And to hear it from a woman, shocked me quite frankly.

We women take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back in our fight for equality. And SOME other women don't help .. Including a few on this thread!

Show quote history

Well said.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:38

If you have money you can demonstrate your choices with your feet and your purchasing power.

OP did just that.

She's got her car, she spent her £ where she felt comfortable.

The first dealership lost a sale before it even began. Don't tell me that won't have had an impact.

They are in the business of selling cars. They'll think twice before it happens again.

Good on you OP.

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:41

The OP said absolutely nothing whatsoever about being ignored after introducing herself. She said they all talked about the car at the salesman’s desk and he was going to get the keys to show them all the car. So nobody has adequately addressed the question why the salesman should assume an appointment made in one person’s name is actually for two people, and that he should somehow “know” that both people sitting on chairs in the waiting area are waiting for him.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/09/2023 11:43

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:19

Is it normal to say hello to, and shake hands with, everyone sitting in a waiting room?

Nope. But if two people are standing in front of you it is normal to acknowledge and greet both of them.

Cantrushart · 10/09/2023 11:48

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:30

She was still standing right there. So basic manners is that she is spoken to and included in the conversation

Show quote history

No, she was sitting. She said she then stood up and introduced herself. I think that makes a big difference. If I don't want to get involved in an interaction, I remain seated and I wouldn't expect someone to shake my hand. Many people dont like to be touched and salespeople are often trained not to offer their hand to a woman unless she offers first. If I want to be included, I stand up and offer my hand. Clear body language.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:50

The OP said absolutely nothing whatsoever about being ignored after introducing herself. She said they all talked about the car at the salesman’s desk and he was going to get the keys to show them all the car. So nobody has adequately addressed the question why the salesman should assume an appointment made in one person’s name is actually for two people, and that he should somehow “know” that both people sitting on chairs in the waiting area are waiting for him.

Well done OP for making introductions.

Bad luck for Dealer for having the actual initiative and nouse of being able to read the room of a goldfish.

Like one name is probably given for all the countless couples who turn up, that this women sat with DH could be with him, that women buy cars too.

Nope he's a rubbish salesman at the very least.

AliceOlive · 10/09/2023 11:52

This made me laugh. Do tell how not having the OP and her husbands money in their pockets is a “lucky escape”?

My husband and I just bought a car. Appointment in his name, he spoke with them on the phone several times prior.

We showed up and every person working there acknowledged both of us with eye contact and a greeting equally whenever we crossed paths.

Sales person spoke to me many times throughout the transaction. Financing person did as well.

It’s not difficult to be friendly and polite. Businesses like this thrive on repeat customers and word of mouth referrals.

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:56

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/09/2023 11:43

Nope. But if two people are standing in front of you it is normal to acknowledge and greet both of them.

Show quote history

It helps to read the OP. She did not stand up when he came over - not until after he had introduced himself to the person who made the appointment.

Imvho, it’s a bit rich to talk about sexism when your dh has made the appointment in his sole name, even though his dw plans to be the main driver (and also is of the current car, which is nevertheless financed in his name).

Deathbyfluffy · 10/09/2023 11:56

GodDammitCecil · 09/09/2023 23:38

Um, first name…………?

Pretty ‘out there’ suggestion for 2023 I know, but 🤷🏻‍♀️😵‍💫

In nearly 20 years of marriage, I have never once introduced myself as Mrs Surname - let alone when I’m trying to dismantle the patriarchy.

Show quote history

There’s nothing patriarchal about introducing yourself by your surname ffs.
Get a grip, it’s perfectly normal 🙄

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:57

" I'm a car dealer. I make sure I only talk to the person that left their name with reception......"

Said no good salesperson ever. 😄😄

HarrietJet · 10/09/2023 11:58

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/09/2023 11:43

Nope. But if two people are standing in front of you it is normal to acknowledge and greet both of them.

Show quote history

Op remained sitting down after her dh stood up to greet the salesman. This probably suggested she was taking no part in the transaction, never mind being the primary instigator.

She even had her dh make the appointment in the first place in his own name.