Page 14 | To have walked out the car dealership after this blatant rudeness, perhaps sexism?

Sorentolove · 2023-09-09T22:05:32+00:00

DH and I went to upgrade our shared family car (I drive it 80% of the time) at the local dealership. The car was purchased 4 years ago at another (same brand) dealership and we're coming to the end of the Lease. It was purchased under his name, this one will be purchased under my name. The appointment was made in his name. We arrived slightly ahead of time and we're greeted pleasantly, offered coffees and waited for the staff member. Another pleasant staff member passed by and had a brief chat with us both. Our fellow came up to us at the wait area introduced himself to my DH, shook his hand, and started talking about the car we'd expressed an interest in. Rather taken aback at being ignored, I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Mrs SLove. He shook my hand and guided us to his desk where we talked for a couple of minutes about the car, then he said he'd get the keys and then show us the vehicle. DH and I looked at each other and we saw we were on the same page that this branch did not deserve our money and we decided to leave. I caught the manager's eye on the way out and explained our disappointment. He was furious and tried to convince us to stay, even stopping us as we were driving off the car park. We were resolute though, and they lost a sale. Wwbu?

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 10/09/2023 10:37

ProudToBeANorthener · 10/09/2023 10:09

I cannot believe that in the 21st century any poster on here thinks that it’s okay to ignore a woman. It’s the height of bad manners and completely disrespectful. I’d have walked out too. I was once told that I could pick the colour and drive the car 🚗 if I was lucky; we walked out too.
For those of you who think it’s okay, in my opinion, it’s not okay whatever the gender of the person being ignored but here it’s clear gender bias. Women’s hard won rights are already being eroded; if you or your partner accept it, you don’t just have a problem with the car dealer. It’s a far bigger issue 😢

This ^ with bells on!

Me and DH have almost always only ever had one car. We have only had one car between us for most of the 30 years we have been together.

At least 8 or 9 times over the past 30 years, when me and DH have got a new car, I've driven it somewhere (on my own, or with the kids,) to the coast or something, and someone has said to my husband... 'you let her drive it?! You let her drive your new car?'

Genuinely gobsmacked and slightly annoyed that my husband ALLOWED me to drive the car. Me and DH were like...... DH always says 'ermm, it's OUR car. Of course Summer is going to drive it. We are not going to buy a car and have her walk or get the bus everywhere.'

Much to my absolute disgust - and this was only 7 years ago when we got a new car, a woman we know who's around our age, said to my DH, 'you let her drive your car? I can't believe you let her behind the wheel of your car!' She was fucking 48 years old. And it was 2016, not the dark ages! I was gobsmacked!

My DH, much to my absolute delight, said 'it's our car - we both share it. We bought it together and are paying for it together. And I am chuffed that she lets ME drive it.' And he laughed at her. She just looked half offended and half baffled. Like and then .

My DH's dumb brother way back 25 or so years ago said shit like this, as did several male neighbours and male colleagues of DH's, and one of his uncles born in the 40s ... But that time 7 years ago - was the first time a woman had said it. Absolutely foul sexist, misogynistic attitude that belongs in Victorian times. And to hear it from a woman, shocked me quite frankly.

We women take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back in our fight for equality. And SOME other women don't help .. Including a few on this thread!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2023 10:40

Did he definitely know that you were together? He might have thought you were a separate waiting customer.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:41

Sorentolove · 09/09/2023 23:17

And then if they ignore my husband?

Show quote history

Why do you have to go with your husband at all next time?

HoneyPotts · 10/09/2023 10:42

I walked away from a very well know makeup brand in an even more well known department store because the sale assistant failed to greet my husband when she approached me.

They lost out on a £35 sale and I hear they have been struggling financially ever since. I showed them.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 10/09/2023 10:43

@Throwaway11 · Today 10:23

It amazes me when people say it’s ‘unfeminist’ to take your husband’s surname or use the prefix Mrs. When did the most important facet of feminism stop being about a woman’s right to be able to make her own choices?!

This. ^ There was an argument/debate about this a few days ago, and as a few posters said, even though some posters on here get frightfully annoyed when women take their husband's surname on marriage, the vast majority of women actually DO it. Over 90%.

It's like da feminists only think things are right and proper for women to do if it suits THEM, and God forbid any woman chooses something they don't approve of.... Like to be a stay at home mum, and/or do the cooking and housework, and take the husband's surname. Feminism is about a woman's right to CHOOSE, not to be shouted down and barked at by other women who aren't happy that other women are making choices THEY don't approve of.

You can bet also, that the 'why did you take your husband's surname' brigade are ALL single/unmarried!

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 10:43

Interesting to note all the 'feminists' chastising you for your choice to use your husbands surname and not (as is often the case) your father's. That your feeling of being offended is the wrong feeling to feel (so often women have to push their feelings down and are told their feelings are not valid). Suggestions that you 'flounced' - I doubt anyone would say that about a male, it's a often a term used to attempt to put women in their place. Women, and I include myself, have so much internalised misogyny, we cannot recognise when we are perpetuating it. I'm sorry you were made to feel invisible and well done for challenging this behaviour and calling it out for what it was - everyday sexism.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:44

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2023 10:40

Did he definitely know that you were together? He might have thought you were a separate waiting customer.

That’s what I wondered. OP only stood up when she hadn’t been acknowledged. Maybe he didn’t know they were together at that particular time. I guess he could have asked if they were together but he might have just thought the person who stood up was the person he was dealing with.

I would have stood up at the same time personally, not sure why OP remained seated.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 10/09/2023 10:45

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 10:43

Interesting to note all the 'feminists' chastising you for your choice to use your husbands surname and not (as is often the case) your father's. That your feeling of being offended is the wrong feeling to feel (so often women have to push their feelings down and are told their feelings are not valid). Suggestions that you 'flounced' - I doubt anyone would say that about a male, it's a often a term used to attempt to put women in their place. Women, and I include myself, have so much internalised misogyny, we cannot recognise when we are perpetuating it. I'm sorry you were made to feel invisible and well done for challenging this behaviour and calling it out for what it was - everyday sexism.

👏

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:46

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 10:43

Interesting to note all the 'feminists' chastising you for your choice to use your husbands surname and not (as is often the case) your father's. That your feeling of being offended is the wrong feeling to feel (so often women have to push their feelings down and are told their feelings are not valid). Suggestions that you 'flounced' - I doubt anyone would say that about a male, it's a often a term used to attempt to put women in their place. Women, and I include myself, have so much internalised misogyny, we cannot recognise when we are perpetuating it. I'm sorry you were made to feel invisible and well done for challenging this behaviour and calling it out for what it was - everyday sexism.

My ex (male) used to ‘flounce’, it’s not a word I think of as being just for women.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 10:47

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 10:43

Interesting to note all the 'feminists' chastising you for your choice to use your husbands surname and not (as is often the case) your father's. That your feeling of being offended is the wrong feeling to feel (so often women have to push their feelings down and are told their feelings are not valid). Suggestions that you 'flounced' - I doubt anyone would say that about a male, it's a often a term used to attempt to put women in their place. Women, and I include myself, have so much internalised misogyny, we cannot recognise when we are perpetuating it. I'm sorry you were made to feel invisible and well done for challenging this behaviour and calling it out for what it was - everyday sexism.

The choice wasn’t made in a vacuum. If men were equally expected to even consider changing their names it would be a very different sort of choice. My surname was born my father’s and my mother’s. When I didn’t change my name in marriage my mum confessed she wouldn’t have either, but it wasn’t the done thing.

I asked DH before we married if he would be changing his name to mine. He said no. I said I wouldn’t be changing my name to his and the only reason I would change my name would be if we both did and chose a new name together. He wasn’t keen, so keeping our own titles and names it was.

DD has both of our names. She has already decided she
will never change it.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 10:49

Look at all the women on mumsnet who are the main child caters because their husbands earn more than them and it is expected of women. That’s predominantly because society still expects men to provide and women to care. How on earth can we fix these big issues when women keep doing what is expected and imagining for one nanosecond that it is a choice. Every woman making that choice puts the fight back just a teeny bit further.

Noodledoodledoo · 10/09/2023 10:54

It's happened to me, ironically I know more about buying cars compared to DH due to previous jobs. We just pointed it out politely, it was altered, feedback requested after purchase and I mentioned it again. DH got up and left the showroom as it was solely my purchase we weren't married at the time.

To be fair the phrase knowledge is power fits here, so many women do the 'I don't know anything about cars' act then moan when garages try to rip them off. I question, challenge ask key phrases so they know I have some understanding. I am not engineering background but worked in finance for a motor manufacturer so know some lingo.

JudgeRudy · 10/09/2023 10:57

Well unless there's more to the story I think you're both being very unreasonable. The appointment was made in your OHs name. If the lease was to be in your name why did you do this? So salesman approaches his primary customer (OH) and when you introduce yourself too he acknowledges you and invites you both over to the desk to discuss your requirements. Did he do anything else 'wrong' during this conversation or did you just decide you didn't like him? Tbf I've just taken a dislike to someone and taken my business elsewhere but lve not dressed it up at sexism. I've felt they were either patronising, cocky, late, rude, didn't listen, etc...if he was sexist I'd be in agreement but this doesn't sound particularly bad to me. I bet the poor guy was confused.

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 10:59

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 10:47

The choice wasn’t made in a vacuum. If men were equally expected to even consider changing their names it would be a very different sort of choice. My surname was born my father’s and my mother’s. When I didn’t change my name in marriage my mum confessed she wouldn’t have either, but it wasn’t the done thing.

I asked DH before we married if he would be changing his name to mine. He said no. I said I wouldn’t be changing my name to his and the only reason I would change my name would be if we both did and chose a new name together. He wasn’t keen, so keeping our own titles and names it was.

DD has both of our names. She has already decided she
will never change it.

Show quote history

Isn't' it great that you got to make your own choice? That is because of feminism. Women can also chose not to get married, which some feminists consider a misogynistic practice, but it was your choice to marry. The point is, it should be your choice, a choice available to all women and men, equally.

sandyhappypeople · 10/09/2023 11:07

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 10:49

Look at all the women on mumsnet who are the main child caters because their husbands earn more than them and it is expected of women. That’s predominantly because society still expects men to provide and women to care. How on earth can we fix these big issues when women keep doing what is expected and imagining for one nanosecond that it is a choice. Every woman making that choice puts the fight back just a teeny bit further.

Look at all the women on mumsnet who are the main child caters because their husbands earn more than them

Irregardless of the sexes, It makes sense that the higher earner would work and the other stay at home (if one of you is going to stay at home of course), to me that has nothing to do with expectations put upon women.. your point would have more validity if the woman was the higher earner and she was expected to stay home with the kids though.

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 11:07

Noodledoodledoo · 10/09/2023 10:54

It's happened to me, ironically I know more about buying cars compared to DH due to previous jobs. We just pointed it out politely, it was altered, feedback requested after purchase and I mentioned it again. DH got up and left the showroom as it was solely my purchase we weren't married at the time.

To be fair the phrase knowledge is power fits here, so many women do the 'I don't know anything about cars' act then moan when garages try to rip them off. I question, challenge ask key phrases so they know I have some understanding. I am not engineering background but worked in finance for a motor manufacturer so know some lingo.

'so many women do the 'I don't know anything about cars' act'. If men do not know anything about cars, do they do an 'act' too?

A fine example of internalised misogyny.

Women should have to know anything about cars or learn the 'lingo' to not get ripped of by garage workers. Garage workers should be taught not to rip women off. The issue is not with the women.

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 11:09

Repurposing · 10/09/2023 11:07

'so many women do the 'I don't know anything about cars' act'. If men do not know anything about cars, do they do an 'act' too?

A fine example of internalised misogyny.

Women should have to know anything about cars or learn the 'lingo' to not get ripped of by garage workers. Garage workers should be taught not to rip women off. The issue is not with the women.

Show quote history

should not* have to know

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:11

Massive over reaction and you will be the talk of the office for that. If the appointment was in your name and the salesman only spoke to your husband then I could see your point but that’s not what happened here

Tell you who'll be the talk of the office, the salesman who lost a £1000s of pound sale because he didn't have the common manners to address both customers. That's who.

Basic approach. Sell to all your customers. And all this bollocks " the appointment was in so and so's name" Who cares? You speak to ALL the people in front of you.

Honestly these people were in the market for spending £1000 a of pounds. Fancy being dismissive to one of them! 🙄 And not acknowledging them. I can not stand poor service! And true to stereotype he didn't acknowledge the women.

Mistake. Big mistake.

Good for you driving off OP. Let him have a ponder on what went wrong with that sale.
Bet he never does THAT again.

And what's this arse you can't introduce yourself by your married name when expecting decent service or you lose some sort of feminism points????!

KnittedCardi · 10/09/2023 11:11

When a similar thing happened to DH and I, DH pointed out that it was actually to be my car, in my name, and he was just there to advise. All was then well. No need for a hissy fit.

Walkaround · 10/09/2023 11:12

FFSWhatToDoNow · 10/09/2023 10:49

Look at all the women on mumsnet who are the main child caters because their husbands earn more than them and it is expected of women. That’s predominantly because society still expects men to provide and women to care. How on earth can we fix these big issues when women keep doing what is expected and imagining for one nanosecond that it is a choice. Every woman making that choice puts the fight back just a teeny bit further.

The way this has been worded gives the strong impression that feminists are more critical of women for “doing what is expected” by caring than they are critical of men for “doing what is expected” by providing. It always feels like the focus is on women having to care less and provide more, rather than in men providing less and caring more, and the result of that is not feminism so much as an uncaring society where it is still perceived to be the “weak” who care, whether male, female or gender neutral… It’s still the patriarchy talking if you pretend everyone can provide more and care more (on the basis that “caring” is looked down on and a bit of an afterthought, or something that is supposed to be innate and instinctive, despite the fact men don’t appear to do it enough).

Superfood · 10/09/2023 11:12

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 10/09/2023 10:43

@Throwaway11 · Today 10:23

It amazes me when people say it’s ‘unfeminist’ to take your husband’s surname or use the prefix Mrs. When did the most important facet of feminism stop being about a woman’s right to be able to make her own choices?!

This. ^ There was an argument/debate about this a few days ago, and as a few posters said, even though some posters on here get frightfully annoyed when women take their husband's surname on marriage, the vast majority of women actually DO it. Over 90%.

It's like da feminists only think things are right and proper for women to do if it suits THEM, and God forbid any woman chooses something they don't approve of.... Like to be a stay at home mum, and/or do the cooking and housework, and take the husband's surname. Feminism is about a woman's right to CHOOSE, not to be shouted down and barked at by other women who aren't happy that other women are making choices THEY don't approve of.

You can bet also, that the 'why did you take your husband's surname' brigade are ALL single/unmarried!

Edited

You can bet also, that the 'why did you take your husband's surname' brigade are ALL single/unmarried!

you would obviously lose that bet.

But wow. You really revealed a lot about your underlying thoughts with that last sentence.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 10/09/2023 11:13

At least the salesperson spoke to someone who could actually drive the car! I need a new car and had popped into a showroom last year - more to have a browse. A salesman came over and then spent the whole chat talking to my 16 year old son. The final issue was when he asked me (so about the only directed question to me) how I would be paying for the car. I said cash - he couldnt comprehend that I could buy an expensive car on my own and wouldnt need financing. The dealership has now changed hands - I do wonder if it wasn't doing very well financially.

Throwncrumbs · 10/09/2023 11:13

It’s not a sale though…it’s a lease, you are effectively renting a car, it’s not yours to keep is it. There’s a difference!

oioicheeky · 10/09/2023 11:14

Appointment was in your husbands name.

Massive overreaction.

"Dealership didn't deserve our money"

You've just inconvenienced yourselves, nothing more.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/09/2023 11:17

You've just inconvenienced yourselves, nothing more.

Erm don't think so. Dealership are a business who want to make you know, money.

They lost the sale.