AIBU to have a baby while at university?

[UniBaby]

Hi all, I'm in my late twenties and have gone back to uni. I have three more years left. My husband and I would like to start having children. While taking a year out is an option, I would like to avoid this. There is a heavy practical element to my course so I think the most I could reasonably take off for mat leave is 6-12 weeks. Would I be insane to try and have a baby at this time? Financially it is feasible for us at this time so I'm really just concerned regarding the time constraints as my course is pretty full on. Thanks :)

From one doctor to another…I wouldn’t ever chose to have a baby at medical school. If it was absolutely unavoidable I’d be looking at taking proper time out. Even with the option of full time nursery with extremely willing family who will cover time around nursery at the drop of a hat I still think it’ll be extremely stressful. It’s easier having a baby when you are working as, despite shifts being long, they are set and predictable. You can arrange childcare in advance. If you are struggling you take some time out of formal training, work shifts ad hoc to pay the bills and do nothing but survive for a while. Your time outside your shifts is your own. A lot of the day to day of medicine is muscle memory and, even if you’ve had a bad night with the baby, after some fresh air and a cup of coffee you are still a completely safe doctor.

Medical school is so much more unpredictable. Do you not have to travel to placements every few months? Will you not have to commit weeks to study for finals and other exams? Where will your baby stay if you are away? How will you study for exams with sleep deprivation hanging over you?

I've just finished my first year at uni as a mature student and also have 3 years left, and found out in June that me and my fiancé are expecting our first child in March next year :) the first three months were absolutely shattering but luckily they fell in the summer holidays so didn't affect studies at all, and now I've got all my energy back in time for heading back to university this month!

We'd planned on waiting before starting a family but honestly couldn't be happier about the surprise. I think there's never a perfect time, if we'd waiting until finishing university I wouldn't have wanted to take maternity leave early in my new career so would have put it off and who knows if it ever would have happened otherwise!

The timing has worked out quite well for me as I can complete my first semester exams a couple of months before giving birth and then if my second semester ones in June don't go to plan I can just retake them at the end of summer. I think if you want anything enough you can make it work, it'll just be hard work for a while. Worst case, deferring a year on such a long education journey isn't the end of the world :) I can keep you posted about the experience as it unfolds though if that would help!

There is no right time. When ever you have a baby and here will be huge upheaval. Do you have family who can help out with childcare? Many crèches will only take them from 12 months. I’m an older mother with an established career and I needed 9 months maternity leave minimum ( colicky baby who didn’t sleep) and ended up taking 12 months due to childcare requirements. 12 weeks I think is unrealistic unless you have a lot of help.

Haven’t RTFT. I had my children while doing a Master’s and took three years to complete it instead of three. It wasn’t initially planned that way…DD was a surprise, but luckily we were early 30’s and knew that we def. wanted to be parents.

My timeline was:

Started degree and then quickly realized that I was pregnant.

Completed the first year just before DD was born-I literally waddled into my exams. 😂

I was granted a six-month leave of absence as my self-created “maternity leave.” I would strongly recommend taking at least four months off, I had physically recovered and felt far more confident as a parent by then.

Hired a childminder to care for DD when I went back.

Got pregnant with DS at the start of my final semester, graduated in my third trimester, had him and started job-hunting a few months after he was born. This was deliberate as I knew how exhausting it would be starting a new job with a newborn and a toddler. DH was willing to keep us during that period and I also used my savings.

I’m assuming you’re in the US like me, OP? I didn’t have my children here, but I’m aware of how expensive it is here when you have a baby and how appallingly stingy parental leave is.

You shouldn’t underestimate how financially prepared you’ll need to be and I really strongly advise you to take the maximum or more if you can, you won’t be fully physically recovered after six weeks, barely OK at 12 due to the lack of sleep!

Your DH will need to be committed to support you/your children financially during this period and not be resentful that he’s carrying the financial load. Happily my DH and I both viewed this as the best longterm strategy for our family so it wasn’t an issue. Mind you, I had financially supported him through his graduate degree so it was my turn.

Good luck!💐

It will be exceptionally difficult but I don't think you're wrong to think leaving it until after qualification will be worse. As it doesn't sound like you're prepared to wait a good five years (and then you'd probably need to take years out) you could try this but be aware that if it doesn't work you may lose your chance to be a doctor. It's a difficult position to be in.

Had my son whilst at uni, I attended a lot less lectures but I still came out with a 2:1, I planned the timing to have minimal disruption.

There's no good time to have a baby during a medical career in a country without proper maternity leave. You just have to decide what kind of bad you can manage. If you can afford a nanny at home, then this probably isn't a worse time than any other in the next 10 years.

Who will be looking after the baby?

Yabu. You no. Idea how your pregnancy will effect you. Also what you do with baby during lectures. You can't let baby cry whilst everyone is studying. Daft idea. TTC last term of the last year

It’s going to depend very much on how difficult the degree is, amongst other things.

DH’s cousin had a baby while studying fashion at Bournemouth, and seems to have had no real issues fitting in caring for a child full-time while carrying out the course.

I can’t see that it’d be vaguely possible while doing an engineering degree at Imperial, or a medical degree anywhere.

It’s going to depend very much on how difficult the degree is, amongst other things.

She is a medical student, which is probably the most full on and demanding degree you can do @TheMountainsCall

I would wait.

Is your H also a doctor?

How is he now with housework, cooking, mental load, etc ?

What is your support system like?

I really don’t know how my doctor friends made it through their 20s, that that was without babies!

To start it all a decade later, especially as a woman who wants kids, doesn’t seem sensible (sorry to be blunt).

Would you think about transferring to pharmacy/research or something? You have not invested that much time (relatively) so far, it will be much harder to walk away a few years down the line after you’ve made painful sacrifices, and you’ll feel trapped.

The whole ‘we can have it all’ is going to ruin us. It’s bonkers.

You have only just started. What a waste of time. Finish your degree. Why make things so hard.

Thank you to everyone who replied :) I haven't heard any arguments against it that I hadn't already thought of, so I think we'll give it a go and see what happens. XXX

Out of interest OP what are your plans in the event you don't have a smooth, problem-free pregnancy, easy delivery and simple complication-free post partum stage with a healthy newborn?

Your plans seem to hinge on a string of ideal situations all falling in line and I'd have thought a medical student would be only too aware that pregnancy, birth, post-natal and newborn babies don't always go to plan

@LolaSmiles I would take a year out. If anything was so serious that it required I take longer than a year out, I would likely be dealing with a very medically complex child, that would require I step back from the workforce regardless of what stage I was at (uni or working). Luckily my family is in a position where we can live solely on my husband's income. I feel like this is a risk that anybody who has children and has a career has to deal with.

Good luck, OP. The main thing is that both you and your DH realize that it’s going to be challenging at times, mainly due to exhaustion. You must support each other through it all, because it’ll be tough at times.

Children require and take up alot of your time.
I would personally not have a child if I was still at uni.

I'm a uni lecturer. We have students every year who have babies. We work with our students to support them etc.
Some take a full year away, some one semester. In terms of catching up missed inputs, it's probably easier to take a whole semester or year off.

Good luck OP!! I'm sure you'll make it work if you're determined ☺️ x

You’re not even 30-why rush. I don’t know anyone who has a baby in their 20s. Focus on uni and enjoying yourself

I have had a handful of UGs who decided to start a family early in their course. Two did not return and one was asked to leave as they kept failing assessments. I think you need to decide which is more important to you at this time.

Yes, @Yetanothernewname101 , I personally think that taking a semester off is the best way to go, especially for your first child. You need to get used to being a parent!