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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a baby while at university?

182 replies

UniBaby · 09/09/2023 10:06

Hi all, I'm in my late twenties and have gone back to uni. I have three more years left. My husband and I would like to start having children. While taking a year out is an option, I would like to avoid this. There is a heavy practical element to my course so I think the most I could reasonably take off for mat leave is 6-12 weeks. Would I be insane to try and have a baby at this time? Financially it is feasible for us at this time so I'm really just concerned regarding the time constraints as my course is pretty full on. Thanks :)

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 09/09/2023 12:06

Are you studying a subject that will lead to a career? Personally I would want the course and a year or so under my belt so ir would be easier to get back into work after Mat leave, otherwise whats the point in doing the course?

BananaPalm · 09/09/2023 12:24

If you have lots of support, money, etc. ask yourself whether you can do your full on course if you sleep on average 3-4 hours per night. Will you be able to focus? Will your thinking be clear enough to solve complex tasks?

You can try for at least a month (!) setting your alarm for several wakings during the night (at least 2-3) and making sure you don't sleep more than 4 hours in total. Then see how it impacts your functioning and performance.

If it doesn't, then that's great and start TTC. But if you end up putting your shoes in the fridge or reading the same sentence over and over again without understanding what you are reading, then perhaps wait till you finish your course.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/09/2023 12:25

My daughter did. She took a year out and had twins.

Fuckingmentalme · 09/09/2023 12:34

Just have it, I know many women who have. They have managed but it's bloody hard work though. Even if you sail through the pregnancy and birth a first baby will absolutely floor you. I don't think my brain's ever functioned the same after having kids!

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/09/2023 12:50

I had my baby first and then went to university when she was a year old.

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/09/2023 12:58

The vast majority of posters have said you’re unwise to consider it, then you’ve drip fed other bits of information and you seem determined to go ahead. Go ahead then, but bear in mind that the thought and the reality of having a baby are very different.

The studying you think you’ll do whilst the baby sleeps. Ha!
Wakeful nights
PND
Baby brain. The last two are even more vital for someone doing medicine. Your faculties need to be tip top for that.

cutegorilla · 09/09/2023 13:08

I can understand your reasons for wanting to start a family now but realistically, I think you need to plan to take a year out rather than try and do it all. Having a baby is wonderful but it is also extremely time consuming and relentless (unless you are blessed with an exceptionally easy baby). I think you'd find it extremely hard to carry on with your studies while caring for a small baby. Alternatively, is there a part time version of your course you could transfer to? That might make it more manageable.

Merryoldgoat · 09/09/2023 13:09

The idea you’d be able to train as a doctor with a newborn. Absolutely bonkers.

We’re not talking an English degree with few hours on-site and self directed study.

Do what you like obviously but it’s a very real prospect you will find it exceptionally challenging and cannot devote enough time to either.

Bythebeach · 09/09/2023 13:11

I’ve just read your updates. I did exactly this. I chose to conceive my second at 29 whilst studying graduate entry medicine. I took 6 weeks out, didn’t defer but I had amazing family support from my mum and my husband took 3 months off too and then worked a 4 day week for a year.

Many people will tell you it’s impossible or you are insane. It’s not. It’s obviously not commonplace but I wasn’t the only woman in my cohort to do this.

But of course I was lucky in that there were no complications and my second was my easiest baby (of 3) which made it more do-able. I was prepared to take a year out if it went wrong.

Good luck whatever you decide.

MissTrip82 · 09/09/2023 13:31

I was at medical school with a few people who had children, some before they started and some during. Some deferred for a year, others just cracked on. I didn’t have children then but did work to fund myself. There weren’t that many people who didn’t either work or care for children (or, frankly, both). Only the wealthy just studied.

I don’t think it would be easier to be starting a family as a junior doctor. TBH there will never be an easy time.

AnotherEmma · 09/09/2023 13:33

JADS · 09/09/2023 11:44

See the problem with Medicine as a degree or a career is there is really never a good time to have a baby. In someways, having a child when you are a student might be 'easier' than when you are working. The best time is when you are established Consultant and you have some automy, but that is too late for women.

Don't get me wrong Medicine is a tough course, but being a junior doctor is tougher (from an NHS perspective, where you are may be different). Please get some advice from female doctors in your country in several different specialities. Those with lived experience are the best to guide you.

I think this is good advice.

And if you are going to delay TTC, perhaps it would be wise for you and DH to have a full fertility check. Lots of people who struggle to conceive say they wish they'd started sooner. If there are any issues identified in the checks, that might swing the decision for you.

zingally · 09/09/2023 13:33

A friend of mine went to uni to do a degree in her late 20s. She got pregnant shortly after completing the first term. Never went back.

I think having a child changes your plans in ways you just can't anticipate until they're born.

You've got plenty of time OP. Finish your degree, then have the babies.

MissTrip82 · 09/09/2023 13:33

Just saw the poster who said your faculties need to be ‘tip top’ for med school……::medical school is the easy bit! Getting in, getting through, the stuff that seemed hard? It’s the easiest thing you’ll do.

Cowlover89 · 09/09/2023 13:35

You should wait

Coachvikki · 09/09/2023 13:39

This really is only a question you can answer. Waiting might impact on your fertility, but I am no expert on that. But I have been in university doing a range of post grad courses for the last 4 years and can say that most people struggle with the study/home balance and my mother friends struggled more. Don't be surprised if you end up having to take a break when your baby is little. As long as you know this could happen and won't be too upset about it, go for it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/09/2023 13:39

Finish your degree.
Find a job and do well in it.
Then have a baby.

Is he keen for you to get pregnant so you don't do a degree and have a good job (keeping you under control)?

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2023 13:40

It sounds like you've made up your mind. You really should listen to the women here who have direct experience of pregnancy and newborns.
I think you should start trying in your last term.

Anonymouslyposting · 09/09/2023 13:44

Practically, I definitely couldn’t have done it - I was ill for almost all of both my pregnancies and at 6 and 12 weeks post partum with my first I still felt like I’d been hit by a train.

Emotionally, I wouldn’t want to do it - maternity leave is hard and boring but I wouldn’t want to miss that time with my baby.

Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 13:48

@DisforDarkChocolate My husband thinks it is a good idea to have a baby now while I'm in uni, but he is not controlling. He is older than me, and I think he is just keen to start a family. He has always been very supportive of my career, though.

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 09/09/2023 14:05

Check your university absence policy. If you miss more than a certain number of weeks of study you may be required to defer.
If there are placements to do at specific times you can’t just miss them or assume you can make them up another time as that may not work for course structure or placement provider.

Having supported a number of students in this type of situation I’d say that neither your family nor your studies will get the best of you and you’ll feel pulled in two directions constantly.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2023 14:08

It's doable, and people do it, but you'll be looking at full time child care from 18 weeks / 4 months at the oldest.

And what if those 6 weeks fall in the middle of something important? I don't think you should have a baby if part of your plan is childcare potentially from 10-12 weeks.

Either wait, you've got time to finish study until you fall pregnant and then have a year out.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2023 14:10

UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:34

@Chippy4me I'm nearly 29. We do want more than one child. This is another factor in starting earlier, as I don't want to feel under pressure to have them back-to-back. @NeverDropYourMooncup , my health won't be affected by the pregnancy. thanks :)

Honestly with these psychic skills, you really don't need us.

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 09/09/2023 14:13

Finish your degree and get a job that pays you a decent maternity pay. All my friends who got pregnant at university didn't finish their degree and really regret it.

If something happened to your relationship, you'll be left in a financially vulnerable position with a baby. Don't do this, finish your degree first.

Givemepickles · 09/09/2023 14:13

@UniBaby it sounds like you're really determined to go ahead :) I think the desire to have a child can make us override all rational logic! And it's great you are getting a medical degree and wanting a family.

I also voted YABU because I don't think it's the best plan BUT it's your life and your baby. If you decide you have to do this now, what would the childcare arrangements be once you were back at uni? You need to work that out really before any decisions can be made. I've paused my part time degree twice now since becoming a mum because I can't bear to spend my free time on essays instead of with my gorgeous DS. You will probably feel the same!

Also, unless you have specific fertility issues you honestly have so much time before worrying about fertility! The "35 + cliff edge" is a (annoyingly prevalent) myth with no studies to back it up. Fertility declines slowly and gradually from mid 30s and quicker after 40 but is very individual. I got pregnant first time at 36. I don't know anyone who has struggled due to being 30+ other than those with conditions, such as endo, who struggled whether in their 20s or 30s or 40s. The mumsnet boards are full of women 35+ having babies. So I think fertility concerns may be a bit of a red herring, but the desire to have a baby is of course legitimate.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/09/2023 14:14

You seem to have already made your mind up that you want a baby now and so does your DH, so just have one now... personally I think the timings silly and you should have discussed this prior to starting the degree. Don't let your DH be too pushy though if you decide to continue at uni and TTC later. Remember he can convince at a much longer window, it has to be when you're ready.