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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a baby while at university?

182 replies

UniBaby · 09/09/2023 10:06

Hi all, I'm in my late twenties and have gone back to uni. I have three more years left. My husband and I would like to start having children. While taking a year out is an option, I would like to avoid this. There is a heavy practical element to my course so I think the most I could reasonably take off for mat leave is 6-12 weeks. Would I be insane to try and have a baby at this time? Financially it is feasible for us at this time so I'm really just concerned regarding the time constraints as my course is pretty full on. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Persipan · 09/09/2023 11:18

Are you absolutely sure your programme of study would allow you that much time away? Not that I'm suggesting it's a lot of time for maternity leave - it would be the blink of an eye in that context - but certainly in UK universities the expectation would generally be that if a student was away from their studies for that long, they'd have to interrupt. So, double-check this.

Tiredalwaystired · 09/09/2023 11:22

Honestly? Don’t do it. Do your degree first. Unless you have known fertility problems then you’re good for a good few years yet. A new baby is not easy. A degree is not easy. Two together is an extra level of difficulty.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 11:22

What course is it?

Some are much more demanding than others.

Uni is good because you can take some time off without needing as much permission like you do with work but if there are placements then this could be really difficult.

I went to uni with a young child and it was very difficult coming home and trying to get the assignments done, as well as childcare, cooking, cleaning etc.

I also made friends and they were going out of staying late to get work done and I couldn’t.

Is it possible for your DP to support you financially?

I would actually get a PT job and put uni on hold.
I would then TTC and just work PT for the first 6-12 months and then start the course.

Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:24

I'm studying medicine, which is a very demanding course, I know, but I feel working as a doctor will be even more demanding. I'm not in the UK so won't be working for the NHS, my wages will be quite high when I finish, but less time available for maternity leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:25

Also, I've already started so deferring the start date isn't an option.

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 11:25

I don’t know if that made sense sorry.

I would either finish my degree and then TTC.

Or stop going to uni and get a job and then once the baby is born see how you feel and then go back to uni when the baby is at least 6 months old, depending on how you feel.
So I’d defer my place.

I’d do the second as it would mean you have the choice between going back to work, being a SAHP or going to uni.

Plumful · 09/09/2023 11:26

Studying medicine?! Even more crazy

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/09/2023 11:27

@UniBaby

just curious why did you decide to back to uni and have the expense that incurs if you wanted to have a baby?
just wait til you’ve got your degree

Shinyandnew1 · 09/09/2023 11:27

I lived with medics at university-they work crazy hours towards the end and for years when qualified. I wouldn’t even contemplate getting pregnant at this stage; the changes of you not finishing the course would be too high.

Lampzade · 09/09/2023 11:28

Finish your degree first

Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:28

@LuckySantangelo35 I have always wanted both to do this degree and have a baby. In my country, medicine is usually done as a postgraduate degree so they have both happened to fall at the same time in my life.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 09/09/2023 11:28

@UniBaby

definitely no to having baby whilst studying medicine!!
you’ll have to pick one or the other - medicine or baby. Personally I would go medicine then baby after

LolaSmiles · 09/09/2023 11:29

Studying medicine and contemplating starting a family in the middle of the course is silly.
As a medical student you just surely know that pregnancy isn't always simple, birth isn't always simple and that babies don't pop out into the world ready to slot neatly into whatever routine/lifestyle the parents expect.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 11:30

I don’t think it’s possible doing medicine and having a baby.

I’ve heard that medicine is extremely difficult for a single adult, so being a parent to a newborn would be so intense.

I think it’s incredible you want to get a good career but you don’t want to burn yourself out.

How old are you?

You are right that being a new doctor with a baby is difficult but you’d also be able to bet maternity leave.

Are you planning to just have 1 baby or more?

I would seriously consider doing your course and a year or 2 in the job and then having a baby or even finishing uni, then taking a year out to have a baby and then getting your first job as a doctor.

FUPAgirl · 09/09/2023 11:31

I suspected it was medicine, hence saying you would need to consolidate your learning for a couple of years after qualifying.
There is no good time to have a baby when training to be a doctor unfortunately. It simply isn't a family friendly career. Therefore it really is up to you to work out what is right for you, no option is going to be easy. Ideally you would wait many more years but I can understand why you don't want to.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/09/2023 11:31

What chronic illness? If it's autoimmune, you're very likely to hit a massive flare right at that 4-6 week point, as your body is no longer automatically supressing your immune system to sustain the pregnancy.

TheMountainsCall · 09/09/2023 11:33

Now that you've said you're doing medicine, I take it all back. That kind of study is not compatible with having a baby. I am actually aware of someone who did it, but they did it at the cost of having any time at all with their child. Unless your husband is willing to step up and be the parent that does the bulk of the care, so someone has a lot of time being an active parent to your child, I don't think having a baby while studying medicine is fair on the child. Just my opinion but some courses lend themselves better to combining study and parenthood and I don't think medicine is one of them.

Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:34

@Chippy4me I'm nearly 29. We do want more than one child. This is another factor in starting earlier, as I don't want to feel under pressure to have them back-to-back. @NeverDropYourMooncup , my health won't be affected by the pregnancy. thanks :)

OP posts:
Moneypenny007 · 09/09/2023 11:35

Had a baby in the second year of my 4 year course. Had him over xmas and went back in January and continued.

Don't do it.

Inca22 · 09/09/2023 11:35

I did it and ended up having a breakdown. Drop your responses I think you'll do it anyway but I really wouldn't recommend it.

always2323 · 09/09/2023 11:37

I have to be honest. Why have a baby when you know full well you will have to continue working hard. You will just deprive the baby of the care it needs. You know that you have demanding responsibilities already and you are already taking about childcare and support in the first few months. Why would you bring a baby into you life when you have so little time for it?
Just be patient, get your degree, then have a baby and get a job after, after you've given the baby the attention it needs in those crucial months of their life. There is defiantly room for a baby and a great career but don't be so impulsive that you bring your baby into a world when your training takes you away from your baby's needs. Just wait a bit, youll be glad you did

JADS · 09/09/2023 11:44

See the problem with Medicine as a degree or a career is there is really never a good time to have a baby. In someways, having a child when you are a student might be 'easier' than when you are working. The best time is when you are established Consultant and you have some automy, but that is too late for women.

Don't get me wrong Medicine is a tough course, but being a junior doctor is tougher (from an NHS perspective, where you are may be different). Please get some advice from female doctors in your country in several different specialities. Those with lived experience are the best to guide you.

Yellowlegobrick · 09/09/2023 11:50

If you have 3 years left you haven't actually really started have you? So why not just have a baby first and then study.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 12:05

UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:34

@Chippy4me I'm nearly 29. We do want more than one child. This is another factor in starting earlier, as I don't want to feel under pressure to have them back-to-back. @NeverDropYourMooncup , my health won't be affected by the pregnancy. thanks :)

I completely understand your predicament.

The trouble is if you have a baby during your studies there is a big chance you’ll have to put your studies on hold or just not be able to complete them.

It would also mean that by the time you got round to finishing them you would most likely be in a position to want to have a 2nd child and then you’d be in the exact same position as if you’d waited to have your first.

I’m not a doctor but I trained to be a teacher and I found the actual training very difficult because not only are you in uni/placement full time but you’re also doing assignments in the evening and weekends, so it was non stop.

I understand your worry about your age but many people have children in their 30s.

I personally think that you should complete your course (it’s only 3 years).
And then TTC.
You could even start TTC 7/8 months before your course ends so you can hopefully give birth not long after.

If your DH is able to support you and your baby, it means you can just focus on being a first time mum and not worry about uni assignments or placements or going back to work after maternity leave.
(You can do some online training or volunteer work too if you wanted to, which may be beneficial to your career in the long run).

Once you’ve had the baby then give it some time and then start applying for jobs.
You can then work a year or 2 and then TTC your second baby and get maternity pay.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 12:06

Yellowlegobrick · 09/09/2023 11:50

If you have 3 years left you haven't actually really started have you? So why not just have a baby first and then study.

I thought medicine was around 5 years long so OP would have done a year or 2 already.