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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a baby while at university?

182 replies

UniBaby · 09/09/2023 10:06

Hi all, I'm in my late twenties and have gone back to uni. I have three more years left. My husband and I would like to start having children. While taking a year out is an option, I would like to avoid this. There is a heavy practical element to my course so I think the most I could reasonably take off for mat leave is 6-12 weeks. Would I be insane to try and have a baby at this time? Financially it is feasible for us at this time so I'm really just concerned regarding the time constraints as my course is pretty full on. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 10:40

Thanks again, everyone, Yes, we have a lot of family support. With regards to paying for childcare, I would need this whenever I start a family, as most women in my field take very little time off (10 - 16 weeks).

OP posts:
Riverlee · 09/09/2023 10:42

Can you do your degree part time?

CelticPromise · 09/09/2023 10:44

I had a baby during a degree, but I was older than you and had been ttc for a long time. If you really feel like you want to ttc now go for it but why don't you want to take a year out? I think it would be very hard to leave such a tiny baby in childcare. Although I appreciate this is much more common in countries without good mat leave. I wouldn't do it unless it was unavoidable.

mylittleprince · 09/09/2023 10:46

What qualifications/work do you do now? What is the degree and why are you doing it? To further your career? To retrain? Just trying to understand why you are doing a degree now.

In the U.K. if you only had three years left you would pretty much be at the beginning unless you were doing vet/medical, in which case it would be madness to have a baby part way through.

Managing to keep a career and have small children is quite challenging let alone trying to start both at the same time. I'd choose one and concentrate on it, then add the second part in a few years later when established.

purplesky18 · 09/09/2023 10:48

With all due respect, until you have a child of your own you can’t possibly imagine the true sacrifice you have to make and just how exhausted you are. I got pregnant just after I started my final year of uni and I had such severe HG I couldn’t attend a single lecture all year, thankfully with help of a tutor and adjustments I managed to finish my year just before I gave birth and graduated when baby was 10 weeks old.

To do a degree whilst having a small baby in my opinion is just pretty much impossible unless you had a nanny or family that can give round the clock care and help. It can be done but it’s by the skin of your teeth and is that what you’d like from your uni experience? I agree with PP either pause your whole degree until you’ve had children or wait until final year and TTC then.

smilesup · 09/09/2023 10:50

I went to uni at 33 with a 2 year old and a three month old. I went part time for 4 years. In May of the 4th year I had another baby and was back at uni in the October. And did the final year with a 5, 3 and less than one year old. It's possible but really really hard. DH works shifts so was able to have a Tuesday off every week which was my clinic day, I then juggled with childminder and doing swaps with friends. We have no family nearby. I did spend the weekend at my parents to get a chunk of the dissertation done. I wrote the rest of it in 20 minutes chunks around DDs morning naps (DS was about in the afternoons as only part time at nursery so no time then). I also used to drive the kids around, get them to sleep and then pull up in a carpark and revise. It was incredibly hard but managable. I managed to get a 2:1 and now have a career directly linked to my job.

AnotherEmma · 09/09/2023 10:57

Difficult to comment without knowing which country you're in and what rights to maternity and paternity leave and pay you and your DH might have. You say your DH is a high earner and can support you and a baby financially - would he get paid paternity leave, then?

If he can take paid leave and if there is a subsidised crèche at the university, it seems doable. It also sounds as if you are committed to completing the course, which you will definitely need to be in order to motivate yourself to complete it after having a baby.

In the UK would certainly be easier to wait until you've finished your degree, because you could get a job and would have the right to maternity leave and pay, but if the situation is different in your country and the sector you want to work in, I can understand wanting to have a baby before you start work.

I know it's sheer luck when it comes to timing these things but maybe you could aim for a July due date (assuming the academic year is Sep-June with a long holiday in July and August)! Although if you have exams you won't want to risk an early baby messing them up...

nc14 · 09/09/2023 10:57

YANBU only if you accept you might not finish the degree or have to postpone it. I am currently 16 weeks and feel nauseous all the time. It’s extremely difficult to concentrate. You don’t know what kind of pregnancy you’ll have.

Sellingbedtime · 09/09/2023 10:59

To me this sounds bonkers. But women do do it and get their uni degrees whilst juggling a baby.

Both are very time/labor intensive and require your full attention and effort. Would you be able to enjoy both if you are potentially spreading yourself so thinly?

ManchesterLu · 09/09/2023 11:00

It's an insane time to plan for a baby. I know a couple of people who've had babies while at uni, but it absolutely wasn't planned, and it was very, very difficult. One of them didn't graduate.

GRex · 09/09/2023 11:00

Why do you want a baby, but don't want time off with that baby? I think that it's an important factor to consider whether at the moment you just want a baby because you think you are somehow the "right" age, friends have them, risks of not conceiving later etc... rather than actually wanting the potentially resulting child. Children are hard work, you need to want to actually spend time with them, not tick them off the task list like the shopping.

A degree is hard work too, and will need your focus. If you want to line things up then aim to get pregnant from January in your last year to save a bit of time, you can then relax in your final trimester, have the baby, and go out to work at the time that best suits once you're ready.

Justgonefishing · 09/09/2023 11:01

If you have a chronic illness how will dealing with a young baby impact on your health ?with chronic illness it’s important not to take on more than you can manage ….and having a baby ranges from an angel baby and pregnancy scenario to worst case scenario

RampantIvy · 09/09/2023 11:02

Given your latest update re your health issues would you have the physical resources and energy to cope with a degree and tiny baby @UniBaby?

Why not TTC now, and defer doing a degree until your DC are a little older?

Elisheva · 09/09/2023 11:03

You won’t be able to focus fully on both your course and your new baby and I think you run the risk of not being able to enjoy either. The people with experience are saying it was doable but hard - why would you choose that? 6 weeks is still a very tiny baby and much harder to leave than when they are about a year old.
You mention that you also have a chronic illness, how will that impact the situation?
You’re broody and that can be so hard to live with as it’s all encompassing and all you can think about, but try to plan with your head not your heart!

Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:04

@RampantIvy @Justgonefishing Yes, at this time, my health is completely under control. I'm not unwell at all and would be just as capable as anybody in having/looking after a child. I'm just always aware that this is something that could change, which would be another factor in having a child earlier rather than later :)

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 09/09/2023 11:05

How is your degree structured? Are you at the OU or similar? Because in most universities, it isn't feasible to take 2 or 3 months out from the course. Practically, it has to be the full year.

Original poster
UniBaby · 09/09/2023 11:06

@GCAcademic No, it isn't the OU, I do have to physically attend. When people have taken time out in the past, they have differed work and completed some over the summer months if necessary.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 09/09/2023 11:07

You’re late twenties. Finish your degree first and ideally then get a job so that you can get decently paid maternity leave.

Redwinestillfine · 09/09/2023 11:08

Late 20's is not old. Finish your degree first. It will be so much easier. Studying and small babies do not go well together and don't underestimate the changes in you. I was desperate to start a family but waited and was glad I did because when DD came along she became my focus. Work massively took a back seat and I lost interest for a while. Obviously I kept my job but hormones/ need to nurture whatever took over and I would have happily stayed home just looking after the baby if I could. Obviously I didn't because I understood my career was important and this may not happen to everyone but it may not be as easy as you think to just have the bay and get your motivation for study back quickly.

ActDottie · 09/09/2023 11:08

Finish your degree first.

You’d also need to consider if you’d even be able to study while pregnant. I say that as someone who is currently 22 weeks and spent weeks 6-14 in bed with morning sickness. Pregnancy itself is not a walk in the park - hardest thing I’ve ever done.

jeaux90 · 09/09/2023 11:10

Finish university. All of us who have kids are being very realistic when we say it's not doable without significant pressure and stress.

Get financially secure, get a career going then try for a baby.

(So many posts on here from women who have had kids and not been able to get financially independent and are completely f*cked over by their partners)

Merryoldgoat · 09/09/2023 11:10

I don’t understand why you’d plan like this? Presumably you want your degree so do that first and then have children.

You are significantly underestimating how hard parenting is and the idea you can study full time with a baby is unrealistic.

PinkPink1 · 09/09/2023 11:14

You plan to only take 6 weeks off? I'm nearly 10 weeks post partum with my first baby and I still haven't fully healed. I'm in my 20s and I look how I did before pregnancy, but there's a lot of internal damage I had/have to heal from. I had what seemed to be a straight forward vaginal delivery but pregnancy was so tough on my body. I also had a lot of post partum complications that ended up with me visiting the hospital. You have no idea how your pregnancy, childbirth and post partum journey will turn out.

wasahoarder · 09/09/2023 11:14

I fell pg with my Ds the summer before I started my final year. It was thought. Sciatica and general feeling lousy and the usual appointments meant I missed some time on the run up to him being born but not much. In fact, I was in lectures the day before he was born and was getting ready to go in on a Thursday when my waters broke (was 2 weeks early). He arrived early March and I didn't go back in until exams - my class mates sent me lecture notes to study from but it was TOUGH. I had very little support from the uni. I passed, unfortunately only 3rd class honours (was two marks away from a 2:2 and applied for extenuating circumstances but was dismissed as it was a completely self inflicted issue) but I'm proud of myself for it.
It was an intense, full time maths degree.
Perhaps if you're doing a degree that doesn't require you to be in every day it might be a little easier but honestly, it's not something I would recommend.

NightOwl101 · 09/09/2023 11:18

This happened to me unplanned, I planned to take 12 weeks out and when it came to going back I couldn't do it so I took a year off and it's been the hardest thing I have ever done trying to balance a demanding course, children, home life. The guilt is horrific and I would never of chose to do it that way.