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Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Sallyh87 · 09/09/2023 11:10

😂 I don’t think I would be friends to her, she sounds like a pill.

I have a 4 month old (and a 3 year old), if I didn’t have breaks, I would lose my mind. I’m still a person and I need a little time for me.

cardibach · 09/09/2023 11:10

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:37

Your only child is 15 weeks old… if you’re clamouring for “me time” and palming off the baby already then something isn’t right 🤷‍♀️

It’s not healthy for your baby. She doesn’t realise she’s a separate person from you yet, and she cannot bond with grandparents yet either.

So in her mind she’s just being left with complete randomers and wondering if she’ll ever see her parents again (because she doesn’t yet have object permanence).

Mumsnet is an anomaly. You’ll have a thread full of people telling you it’s fine, but you’ll find most people in real life wouldn’t leave their baby so young.

Show quote history

‘Clamouring’? ‘Palming off’? FFS get a grip. Neither of those things is happening. The baby is spending time with family members. The idea of family units if just parents and children is very, very recent in the west and doesn’t exist in much of the world. A trusted adult the child knows isn’t causing distress or fear. It’s a totally normal part of baby rearing in mist of the world.

LovePoppy · 09/09/2023 11:11

my anxieties wouldn’t have allowed me to enjoy that time. I also had trust issues with my in-laws.

however, if it works for you and your family, enjoy it! I wish I could have!

Tumbleweed101 · 09/09/2023 11:12

Sounds great to me.

We've had babies start with us at nursery as young as 4 or 5 mths and they've had great attachments to us and their families. It doesn't hurt babies to spend time with others and I'm pretty sure that some of the behaviour issues we've seen with the lockdown cohort is due to not not having enough access to other care givers such as grandparents during their first year or so.

cardibach · 09/09/2023 11:14

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:45

Yes, they are randomers to her because she is too young to form a bond with them yet. It doesn’t matter how often she’s seen them or if she’s related by blood to them, it’s developmental and she isn’t yet capable.

You think I’m not very nice because you don’t want to hear it, but you started this thread because these thoughts are niggling in the back of your mind, and there’s a good reason they’re there, because what you’re doing isn’t in your baby’s best interests.

I think it would be worth you doing some research on child development.

Show quote history

This binding thing is nonsense. How do you think the baby bonds with mother and father? It’s not some magic. It’s because he/she sees them soon after birth and regularly. Same is true of close GPs. Or aunts and uncles. Or whoever really.
Again - in most if the world this is utterly normal. It was utterly normal here not many generations ago.

Mouldyfoodhelp · 09/09/2023 11:14

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:47

Of course he deserves down time. I haven’t written anything to suggest otherwise.
What I am objecting to is dads “having the kid” but that always seeming to have to be under the supervision of another woman.
It’s sad.

Show quote history

But nobody has said the dad here is " having the kid" when he takes her to the parents whilst he plays football. You're essentially arguing that you don't like apples when someone said they prefer oranges.

It does seem like he "has the kid" during the times when he's doing the overnight feeds during the weekend, in the kitchen dancing with her, bathing, taking her out for walks with the dog etc.

Your post is strange making comments about things people aren't saying to have a pop at the father for things people aren't even praising him for.

FUPAgirl · 09/09/2023 11:14

To those posters determined to judge 'the friend'..... we were given no context here whatsoever and given OPs level of offence, it is impossible to know if she is actually repeating the conversation verbatim. Also, we don't know anything about the DH and whether he is actually a 'fit' father or what is going on in their relationship. This is why there is no point in judging others without having walked in their shoes. To call her 'controlling' without knowing anything about her or their relationship is bizarre.

There is absolutely no point in slagging off 'the friend'. You can reassure OP on her choices regardless.

Aphotoaday · 09/09/2023 11:15

Welcome to parenthood, where others will find fault no matter what you do. If it works for you and DD then that’s all that matters.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 09/09/2023 11:16

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:33

He’s only taxiing her. He’s passing the childcare responsibility straight on to another woman. Quelle surprise.

At least read the thread before being a dick.

Bunnycat101 · 09/09/2023 11:16

Of course it’s fine if the baby is happy and you and the father both are. The only thing I would say though is the time is quite awkward as your baby gets older. Mine wouldn’t have coped with that as they were both down and asleep by 7 from about 3/4 months. Enjoy it while it is working for you but be conscious the timings might not work forever.

HamstersAreMyLife · 09/09/2023 11:16

10HailMarys · 09/09/2023 09:38

Your friend is being bloody ridiculous. You’re doing nothing wrong!

Agree. I have friends who have left 3m old children overnight with grandparents. It's not for me but it's in their comfort zone which is entirely fine. I would have loved to be able to do the same as you do when mine were little! I think it promotes bonding and independence.

Scirocco · 09/09/2023 11:17

What you're doing sounds normal and healthy, @newmum002 . You're not abandoning her, or palming her off, or any of the other judgey things people say to inspire mum guilt. Your DD has 2 parents and a wider family, and it's good for her to spend time with them from an early age. It's also good for you to have a break - everyone needs a rest and without one people crash and burn.

Enjoy your time to yourself, you've earned a break!

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/09/2023 11:17

im bemused by the outrage some posters having re the dad playing football!

are you supposed to completely let yourself go and get all unfit when you’re a parent?! How unattractive

cardibach · 09/09/2023 11:19

UndercoverCop · 09/09/2023 11:05

I wouldn't have a word in case she's anxious! That's quite a leap.
I didn't leave my baby at that age, I wasn't anxious, I just didn't see a need to or want to, DH was very hands on and I didn't feel the need for any additional breaks. Much like yours he would take DS out for a walk etc on a Saturday and sometimes I'd go and sometimes I'd stay at home, read etc. I knew I'd be going back to work FT after mat leave and wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. He happily went to nursery and grandparents at 14 months when I went back to work and had seen plenty of family etc.
She's definitely judgy though and I would call out.

The point is that the friend won’t ‘allow’ her DH to take the baby out for walks etc. that’s what suggests anxiety/control issues.
Why he’s accepting not being allowed is another matter…

Hottytotty · 09/09/2023 11:24

People will find anything to judge parents with (baby names, sleep training, breastfeeding, clothes, routines, discipline and school choices as they get older etc etc etc), so you need to try to have confidence in what choices are right for you and your family. I think often it’s more about them than about anything you’re doing.
Your set up sounds lovely and, most importantly, it works for you/your baby.
Try sending a child to boarding school for getting the judgers going 😴

DrinkingWineInBed · 09/09/2023 11:25

A bit of a strange thread because at first you’re apparently unsure of what you’re doing, yet in further posts, you sound like you’re not questioning yourself at all. I don’t get the impression you’re unsure of yourself at all. so what’s it all about? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 11:27

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:45

Yes, they are randomers to her because she is too young to form a bond with them yet. It doesn’t matter how often she’s seen them or if she’s related by blood to them, it’s developmental and she isn’t yet capable.

You think I’m not very nice because you don’t want to hear it, but you started this thread because these thoughts are niggling in the back of your mind, and there’s a good reason they’re there, because what you’re doing isn’t in your baby’s best interests.

I think it would be worth you doing some research on child development.

Show quote history

ODFOD

thisone6 · 09/09/2023 11:29

I used to take my older two to the park whilst my younger two stayed home with their dad. Some of the mums were shocked by that, I can only assume their husbands/partners were useless.

It sounds like a really lovely set up op. I'm sure most people would think it was great and be a little envious.

zeibesaffron · 09/09/2023 11:30

But its the child’s Dad I am not sure why your friend would not let her husband take the child out - it’s nonsense!!
I think its lovely - how wonderful you have in laws that are so engaged and enjoy a short period of time with your baby while you relax!! How wonderful is that!!

daliesque · 09/09/2023 11:30

Speaking as someone who was left with grandparents practically from birth for several hours while my parents had to work, the bond I had with them (both sides) was incredibly special. I'm one of 5 and our grandparents lived close by and we spent out entire childhoods in and out if their houses. Not a weekend went by when one or more of us was staying over at a grandparents place. It was like having three homes.

I am a doctor today because my maternal grandfather told me stories about his mother, who was the village midwife and a sort of unofficial district nurse. It got me fascinated in medicine from an early age and while I would never want to go down the midwife route, I found my calling because of his stories. He encouraged all of us to work hard at school and get good jobs.

My grandmother on the other side taught me how to cook and tomthis day I use her recipes and can still hear her voice in my ear (italian grandmothers are the best).

My siblings and I still talk about our childhood and our grandparents are prominent features. I had issues with my mother, but that's irrelevant for this. The love we shared with them was so special and we are the people we are today because we spent so much time with them from such an early age.

TooOldForAllThisNonsense · 09/09/2023 11:32

Your friend is over-protective of her baby. My GD is 10 weeks old, and the mum asked me if I'd look after the baby for the day recently. I was thrilled. I had her all day - did the bottles, nappies, took her out in the pram, etc. Really loved it. Mum had a lovely day out with her own mum.

Hufflepods · 09/09/2023 11:37

@TheBarbieEffect *what you’re doing isn’t in your baby’s best interests.

I think it would be worth you doing some research on child development.*

Maybe YOU should do some research on child development because you will find absolutely nothing to suggest a baby spending 2-3 hours without their mother and with another close family member is in any way damaging. Fucking hell 🙄

Plumful · 09/09/2023 11:40

@TheBarbieEffect you are insane.

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 11:41

I would not have done this. I didn’t leave DS until he was 1. But everyone does things their own way. There’s nothing wrong with my way or your way or any of the ways in between.

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 11:43

This is crazy. It's fine, a few hours is nothing, dd is with grandparents that love her. I'd be much more worried about not allowing a dad quality time with their DC on their own at 1 years old, seems very strange your friend wouldn't allow this and why does she get to decide if they are both parents? Lots of babies go to nursery for days at a time. A few hours with grandparents each week is lovely, try not to let her neurosis effect you.

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