To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

[newmum002]

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

Sounds like your baby is surrounded by people who love her and care for her.
Mum, Dad, Grandparents...
A happy and relaxed mum and a happy and contented baby. That's just the best! Enjoy your time together, your friend is bonkers.

It sounds lovely, and so long as it works for your family, it’s no one else’s business.

Ah @TheBarbieEffect your babies are still small. You’ll have more perspective on this when they’re bigger. FWIW there’s no point saying “YMMV” if you don’t believe that to be true and actually your view applies to all babies and mothers

Are you the friend?

You were ok with it before your friend put doubt in your mind.
Your DH is a great dad, your baby’s gp are happy, and capable, looking after her. You get to have a short break to relax. Win, win, win.
Your MH will thank you for this help.

I think this is really good for both you and DH, you’re getting time away from being Mummy and Daddy and just being you! Grandparents are probably loving the one on one with your baby and it’s great that you feel you can trust them (you read so much on here about Grandparents etc say and doing stuff against parents wishes.)

I say your friend is sucking lemons and jealous she doesn’t get this lovely family dynamic.

Sounds fabulous! Enjoy while she is still young enough not to be in bed at home

There's no right way to do it, you're both fine, friend shouldn't be judging your way, you also oughtn't to judge hers. Not wanting to be separated from her small infant does not mean she's anxious or that baby won't have close relationships with grandparents, it's also very normal. As is your way.

It's about who baby is bonding to as primary caregivers I think. Hopefully in your case, because of having regular contact with GPs from birth baby will bond with them almost as much as with you. If it turns out once a week is not enough for that and you get to a separation anxiety stage where baby just screams at them, you may all find you want to reconsider.

For us, grandparents are lovely but not as nearby. So kids got to know their GPs as they got older and went on days out with them and then to stay over when they were at a stage where they could say yes please and be excited about it. Around age 3-5 for us. They still look forward to a week at GPs and are close, including teenaged DS.

If someone is BF on demand, obviously, sending baby off with someone other than mum for a long period is going to feel pretty alien, so that's another complicating factor.

Perfectly fine and healthy. Good for all of you!

Your friend is way off base and clearly not a healthy partner given how controlling she is.

I can't believe a couple of the posts on here almost suggesting that any baby that's been looked after for a few hours regularly with a grandparent is going to end up developmentally fucked. Jesus wept I've heard it all.

OP you sound to me like you have the most perfect little set up, these 3 hours that baby is with GP's each week will build the most amazing relationship. You're friend is most definitely just a little jealous of your little arrangement and feels better for making you doubt yourself. Ignore her and enjoy every single second 💕

What a lovely set up. Ignore your friend, this sounds great if you are all happy with it.

Everyone has their own feelings on this, your friend shouldn't be pushing her way as the only way. I would happily leave my baby with DH at that stage, but not our parents solo. Can't really say why, just didn't feel ready to. She's 23 weeks now and we're just starting to introduce solo grandparent time, because that's what I feel comfortable with.

I would absolutely judge someone who is controlling and doesn't allow the other parent to parent - either man or woman. Not allowing your spouse to parent or insisting they do things your way is toxic, unhealthy, and bordering on emotional abuse.

Your friend is ridiculous.
of course it’s fine.
btw in the USA it’s normal for babies to be in full time nursery from 2 months. Not saying I think that’s fine (must be very hard) but a couple of hours from time time with a loving grandparent is totally fine and usually to be encouraged!

Your friend sounds jealous Op to me, like she has no one she can trust to look after her baby whilst she treats herself to her nails doing. Feel sad for her.

Your friend will probably be one of those who then moan she has no time for herself, that she can't even let her 2 year old with their grand parents because there's no bond and 2 year old doesn't like going, that their life is miserable and it's unfair they never have a break when husband get to enjoy playing football once a week.

You are so doing the right thing.

It's really not weird. Op and Dh both get an couple of hours to themselves. Dd is being extremely well cared for, bonding with doting gps. Everyone is winning and happy here. Op your dd will have a lovely close relationship with her gps growing up.

I wouldn't have a word in case she's anxious! That's quite a leap.
I didn't leave my baby at that age, I wasn't anxious, I just didn't see a need to or want to, DH was very hands on and I didn't feel the need for any additional breaks. Much like yours he would take DS out for a walk etc on a Saturday and sometimes I'd go and sometimes I'd stay at home, read etc. I knew I'd be going back to work FT after mat leave and wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. He happily went to nursery and grandparents at 14 months when I went back to work and had seen plenty of family etc.
She's definitely judgy though and I would call out.

There is nothing wrong with it at all. I would have been like your friend though (although would never dream of being judgey and saying that to you!).

I was breastfeeding for one and also I couldn't relax if they weren't with me so it would have been pointless (from a giving me a break perspective). I'm not sure why I was unable to feel relaxed when apart from them. Could have been hormones or maybe some sub conscious anxiety 🤷‍♀️. As they got bigger it subsided and I was able to enjoy some time apart from them.

I think it's personal, like so much of motherhood! Your friend needs to realise that different people feel differently for different reasons. There's no right or wrong for a lot of it.

Your friend is insane. It sounds like you have a lovely set up providing family support for you, your baby and your in laws which will contribute to a really positive environment for your child to grow up in. Don’t let your friend take that away from you and your baby.

Your set up sounds amazing and it's sensible to have a break every now and then, especially since you trust your DH and PILs. You are very lucky. Three hours a week and everyone is happy with the arrangement? Your DH gets exercise and you both get a chance to unwind?
You don't need to justify yourself or apologise to your friend. She has a different opinion based on her experience and that is OK too, she's still your friend, just nod and gently change the subject to a more comfortable one.

OP has already said this isn’t the only time he’s alone with the baby. Stop it.

@TheBarbieEffect but why though? What detrimental effect do you think there is for babies who spend time with other family members for a couple of hours, during which they probably nap anyway as they're still wee?

Your friend is no friend to undermine you like that.

This is fine, your baby is happy, in-laws happy, husband happy, YOU are happy which is key.

Tell her to keep her anxiety away from you

There's no right way to do it, you're both fine, friend shouldn't be judging your way, you also oughtn't to judge hers. Not wanting to be separated from her small infant does not mean she's anxious or that baby won't have close relationships with grandparents, it's also very normal. As is your way. @thirdfiddle

No saying you “wouldn’t let” your husband and father of the baby take the child out isn’t very normal and we shouldn’t be attempting to normalise that level of anxiety.

I spent loads of time with my grandmother and we had such a strong bond. She loved me so much and cared for me so well. When I look back I can see my mum probably needed and enjoyed the break too but as a child I just enjoyed being with my Granny. On the other hand, my son doesn't have any grandparents in his life who are alive / able to spend that kind of time with him and I certainly feel ge misses out. Just enjoy your alone time.