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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 10:43

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:37

Your only child is 15 weeks old… if you’re clamouring for “me time” and palming off the baby already then something isn’t right 🤷‍♀️

It’s not healthy for your baby. She doesn’t realise she’s a separate person from you yet, and she cannot bond with grandparents yet either.

So in her mind she’s just being left with complete randomers and wondering if she’ll ever see her parents again (because she doesn’t yet have object permanence).

Mumsnet is an anomaly. You’ll have a thread full of people telling you it’s fine, but you’ll find most people in real life wouldn’t leave their baby so young.

Show quote history

What a load of tripe.

It's 3 hours a week!

You do know that some babies are raised in families with lots of hands-on help from mothers and sisters and aunties?

The baby will be absolutely fine

LadyPenelope68 · 09/09/2023 10:43

Your friend sounds utterly bonkers, plus there are often posts on Mumsnet saying the same thing. She can’t not “let” her husband take the baby out, it’s his child as well, he doesn’t need her permission!

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:43

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:41

Instead of stressing about this, ask yourself why your friends opinion matters so much to you that you now doubt yourself and your husband.

We are first time parents to a relatively young baby. Of course there will be times I question if I'm doing the right thing or my confidence in myself as a Mother falters.

OP posts:
DChesh34 · 09/09/2023 10:43

Absolute nonsense. My son is 11 weeks old and has spent a fair bit of time with his Grandparents on both sides now (as I did at that age as my Mum had no choice but to work!). My husband takes him out whenever he pleases. He always comes home happy and content. Not only is this great for his development and relationship building, it’s great for the wider family and equally as important, I’m a happier and more content Mummy because I can breathe - this is why I fully promote mixed feeding if it works for your family!

I know some people who have similar views to your friend and found their children are very nervous and not all that sociable. Not to say this will happen with every child but there is certainly a pattern!

Never doubt what’s best for your family based on someone else’s opinion!

808KateO · 09/09/2023 10:44

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:37

Your only child is 15 weeks old… if you’re clamouring for “me time” and palming off the baby already then something isn’t right 🤷‍♀️

It’s not healthy for your baby. She doesn’t realise she’s a separate person from you yet, and she cannot bond with grandparents yet either.

So in her mind she’s just being left with complete randomers and wondering if she’ll ever see her parents again (because she doesn’t yet have object permanence).

Mumsnet is an anomaly. You’ll have a thread full of people telling you it’s fine, but you’ll find most people in real life wouldn’t leave their baby so young.

Show quote history

This is bonkers.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/09/2023 10:45

@Hollyppp

“I wouldn’t be doing it but I wouldn’t think anything of it if other people are happy with that set up”

why wouldn’t you be going it? No opportunity?

Tinybrother · 09/09/2023 10:45

So actually you don’t really think “YMMV”, you think your opinion applies to all babies and mothers, so why did you use that expression? Or are you having a bit of a windup on a Saturday morning?

Lollipopsandcandycanes · 09/09/2023 10:45

With my first DC he was only away from me a handful of times in the first 2 years and that was only when my DH would take him for a walk in the pram. I could never relax though and would wait anxiously near the window until they were back. I remember popping to the supermarket in the car without him once and I felt sick and really anxious. Looking back, it was extreme.

I also have a 15m old now and I’ve had my mum babysit once for 2 hours and my DH has taken her on a couple of walks. That’s about all I’m comfortable with. I hope I can relax enough soon to leave them with someone as we haven’t had a night to ourselves in over three years!

Nothing wrong with your set up.

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:45

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:40

@TheBarbieEffect "palming" my baby off? Really? I'm with her 24/7 and I love the bones of her. They're not randomers to her, they've been by my side/her side since she was 7 hours old. They are her grandparents. You're really not very nice and I'm going to stop replying to you now.

Yes, they are randomers to her because she is too young to form a bond with them yet. It doesn’t matter how often she’s seen them or if she’s related by blood to them, it’s developmental and she isn’t yet capable.

You think I’m not very nice because you don’t want to hear it, but you started this thread because these thoughts are niggling in the back of your mind, and there’s a good reason they’re there, because what you’re doing isn’t in your baby’s best interests.

I think it would be worth you doing some research on child development.

inamarina · 09/09/2023 10:46

megletthesecond · 09/09/2023 09:43

What's weird is that your DH is getting an evening to himself and passing his DD to his parents to look after. It is genuinely lovely that you have nice PIL's though.

When is your chance to do some gentle activity and when does he parent his child alone?

How is it weird? Nothing weird about grandparents looking after their grandchild for a couple of hours. Not all grandparents might be up for it, but if they are then what’s exactly the issue?

When is your chance to do some gentle activity and when does he parent his child alone?

Err, when the baby is with the grandparents perhaps? Why does it necessary have to be the husband looking after her during that time?

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 09/09/2023 10:46

Sounds perfect, and an excellent way for your DP to continue his hobby whilst ensuring you get an equal break too. Smiles all round!

Noshowlomo · 09/09/2023 10:46

She’s being ridiculous. My son started sleeping over his nans house at 9 weeks old, as we were on our arses. He’d then sleep over about once a month. 4.5 now and they’ve got the best relationship.
If you’re happy and comfortable with it, then go for it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/09/2023 10:46

@TheBarbieEffect

ffs, why are you making out ‘me time’ is some selfish, self indulgent things. EVERYBODY every single person NEEDS me time in order to function! It’s just part of being human! And having a baby doesn’t change that.

sadsack78 · 09/09/2023 10:47

Tbh it sounds ideal to me! You need rest and breaks or you will be knackered and go insane. Take the offer. You need support and I'm glad to hear you have family around you willing to step up.

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 09/09/2023 10:47

I wouldn’t have done so. My MIL was a smoker, the house ponged along with her breath and I wouldn’t have wanted my babies there in that environment.

HappyasLarrynot · 09/09/2023 10:47

Absolutely what @switswoo81 said!

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:47

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:42

@GrinAndVomit does he not deserve some downtime too? As somebody who works 6 days a week? Who is in Dad mode as soon as he steps through the door after work?

Of course he deserves down time. I haven’t written anything to suggest otherwise.
What I am objecting to is dads “having the kid” but that always seeming to have to be under the supervision of another woman.
It’s sad.

Adviceplease2314 · 09/09/2023 10:50

Go for it! Nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. Your friend will be complaining in a few years when her kids refuse to sleep over at grandma’s and you’ll be enjoying a night out knowing your daughter is happy and secure with her loving grandparents. It’s a sign of secure attachment when babies go to other relatives or nursery with no crying or upset, you’re setting your daughter up brilliantly.

Cowlover89 · 09/09/2023 10:51

I wouldn't of done it either for the fact my son is breastfed. But seriously ignore your friend

inamarina · 09/09/2023 10:52

There is no need to justify and explain yourself, OP 🙂
Your setup sounds lovely. Your friend sounds judgmental and a bit batshit.
Comments like: ‘Well, I never felt like I needed time away from my baby’ are one of the reasons why young mothers hesitate asking for help when they feel exhausted and burned out. That doesn’t help anyone.

PuppyMonkey · 09/09/2023 10:53

@TheBarbieEffect clearly never showered or bathed or had a shit in those early months as it would involve stepping away from tiny infant for more than ten seconds.Grin

334bu · 09/09/2023 10:55

Your family sounds great. Congratulations on your much longed for baby.

Clymene · 09/09/2023 10:55

Sounds great! The more people your baby is secure being with, the better. Small babies are hard work so having a break will do you both good.

I think your friend may be jealous

FUPAgirl · 09/09/2023 10:56

I personally didn't do this with any of my DC, especially when they were so young. It just wasn't my parenting style, it literally wouldn't have crossed my mind to have anyone babysit them. Your friend parents differently to you and that is ok. We are all different. I don't think she should judge you and I don't think you should judge her.

dikwad · 09/09/2023 10:56

My little boy stayed at my parents overnight at 5 weeks old. He had his every whim pandered to for 12 hours, we went out for a curry and had a solid sleep that night. My mother in law would come by and take him out for a few hours every other day from him being about 3 weeks old. Oh and I went to buy a digital camera at a shopping centre half an hour away, leaving him in the sole car of my mother when he was 3 days old. Babies do not need to be superglued to their mothers for a million years. They will thrive, they won't shrivel up and die. It's all good. The close relationship and sharing of his upbringing across both families as helped him thrive and it's fostered a relationship with all members of his family that doesn't resemble 'outsiders looking in'

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