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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for child to go to a birthday party

139 replies

Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 13:55

One of my friends invited my child to a birthday party to soft play saying can not afford a party but invited us anyway. My child does not play with this child regularly as live in different towns is it unreasonable for the person to invite to expect me to bring a gift and to pay for the entrance to soft play. I do like my friend and I know money is tight for her at the minute, but it is for me aswell. The thing is because I could not afford to do a big party for my child they have cake at home and a few party games. I feel this is what she should have done instead of expecting others to pay. It's not really as much the cost as I'm sure we would all love our children to have friends parties in play areas which we don't pay for but unfortunately that is not the case and seems cheeky to ask.

OP posts:
TenderChicken · 08/09/2023 13:56

YANBU. I would just decline the invitation.

Nevermind31 · 08/09/2023 13:57

Just decline

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 08/09/2023 13:58

Can you clarify - Has she arranged a party at the soft play and asked you to pay your child’s admittance or is she suggested you meet her there for her child’s birthday?

I don’t think it needs to be more of an issue than it is. If you can’t afford it then I was decline the invitation. But yes generally if you are having a get together for your child’s birthday you would usually cover the costs and not expect others to.

CattingAbout · 08/09/2023 13:58

Yeah it's a bit cheeky but they've been upfront about not being able to afford to pay at the time of inviting. Your choice to accept or decline on that basis.

Positive41 · 08/09/2023 14:01

If i could afford it, I would take my DC because I'd feel bad for the kid. My DC love soft play, put a fiver in a card or give a book and job's a good un.

But I'd understand if you wanted to decline.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/09/2023 14:02

I'd decline, very cheeky. The cynical side of me thinks they're just after the gifts.

BasiliskStare · 08/09/2023 14:04

If you can't afford it just say no. I am sure if she is in the same boat she will understand ( one would hope ) . If it is not the money & you think your child would enjoy it then go along and take a card or a teeeny tiny present - or indeed just decline. She isn't obliged to have the same sort of party you think she should , but neither should she be upset if people decline.

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 14:05

I can afford it but it is not just about the cost it just feels like what is wrong with cake at home and some sandwiches for a few children instead of expecting people to pay for your child's birthday. Like why are parties for children such a big show nowadays. I also could not afford soft play for my child party so he had to go without and settle for a small home party.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 08/09/2023 14:17

I would never EVER have a party at home. I don't want other peoples' children tearing up my garden, terrorising my pets, breaking and touching my things, and their parents not taking the hint and leaving.
But it's September - so why not have a party in the park if you can't afford a venue. Few games, picnic food. Sounds good!
No, I would be declining the CF invite.

BasiliskStare · 08/09/2023 14:20

@Ladybug85789 I see your point - DS when little had birthday parties at home with cake and home made games. & decorations , If you disagree with her idea just decline. It is her idea - you not obliged to turn up - but whilst you have your opinion and to some extent I see your point - it really isn't your job to tell her what kind of party to have. D was once invited to a party & their parents were really well off. The party bags were more expensive than any present . But they chose what they chose. I am not sure the DCs enjoyed the party any more than any other but till enjoyed a party ( NB - no-one was asked for any money / contribution )

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 14:28

I don't mind how much someone spends on their party they can throw the most lavish party if they have the money to. Or if you don't want a home/ park party because you can't afford it then you can't really expect others to pay bring presents for your child. I mean it's great for the parents doing it I just think that out of pride and respect for your self you should not ask but everyone is entitled to just not something I could ask or expect.

OP posts:
Cyllie33 · 08/09/2023 14:33

Live and let live OP. She’s been clear and upfront and invited you to join them - if you don’t want to pay and go then don’t, but I couldn’t get myself worked up into a moral panic about it and accuse her of having no ‘pride and respect.’

mrsm43s · 08/09/2023 14:49

I don't understand the drama about this.

Either you want your child to go to soft play, and so you pay for it, or you don't.
Either you want to buy your friend's child a birthday present, or you don't, your choice..

The fact that the meetup of friends at soft play is on the same day as the birthday is neither here nor there. It's a perfectly normal thing for a group of friends to meet up at soft play and pay for their own children.

Your tone seems a bit off. Like you don't like your friend and would rather her child went without. Why not be happy that a child, who you presumably care for, is managing to have a lovely party, despite her parents not having much money?

If you begrudge paying and don't want to go, then don't!

Gellhell · 08/09/2023 14:52

It wouldn't bother me
Perhaps she doesn't want to party at home.

kezzygrey · 08/09/2023 14:58

It sounds more like a softplay playdate for the child's birthday. I wouldn't think anything of paying it for the child to enjoy their birthday, particularly if I knew my friend couldn't afford to pay for their friends.

Ella31 · 08/09/2023 15:01

I'm wondering if the parent feels guilty they can't do softplay like the other parents so this us the only way. I don't see why you are so put out, you literally said you can afford it but you don't have to go either. If I'm being honest I think it's really telling that you said you couldn't afford to do this for your child.

Outnumberedbyboys2 · 08/09/2023 15:08

I wouldn't ask parents to pay towards my child's birthday party, no. However at least you've been told in advance giving you the option to say no.

If you do go, I think a small cheaper gift and a card would be ok, seeing as you have to pay admission, but I wouldn't turn up without a gift if that's what you're getting at.

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 15:36

I have already been and I got a few presents for the child. Maybe it's just a cultural aspect we pay for our children's parties where I am from and we even feed the adults that attend. Whereas I have found in the UK that is not the norm. Maybe this is the new way that it is throw a birthday just don't pay. My friend went away on two holidays during the summer with her child. So I don't think it's always the can't afford it's just not a priority.

OP posts:
Mememe1234 · 10/09/2023 20:55

People make a choice as to what parties they want for their kids. Like others have said if you don’t want to join don’t. You can easily decline.
Last year we attended over a dozen birthday parties and all very different. Some for the whole class and others a more select group. In the end we chose to invite a select few rather than do a class party. It was still an expensive party as we paid for 20 kids to go to a local farm for the whole day, tractor rides, food, drinks for the kids and adults but we could afford it. If we couldn’t I prob wouldn’t of organised anything especially when you have so many parents already judging you for the type of party that you are doing 😬 You have to just do what’s best for your child though and within your means. There’s no shame in that.

leccybill · 10/09/2023 21:07

What's the actual AIBU here? Just you judging your 'friend' and telling us your culture is superior?
Just treat it as a playdate. Go if you want, decline if you feel strongly enough.
Maybe her holidays were paid off ages ago and circs have now changed?

Goldbar · 10/09/2023 21:12

It wouldn't bother me. Maybe the child asked for softplay for their birthday party not games at home. I take my child often so wouldn't mind paying for them to go to softplay to celebrate another child's birthday, especially if I knew that the parent was hard-up. I'd still take a present for the child. But then we don't tend to base the cost of the present on how much the parents have paid for the party or give swankier gifts to children from wealthier families - we just give the child something we hope they will like.

On a side note, it tends to be the better-off families round here who have parties at home. More space, less hassle for them. Most people go to a venue. I don't blame the mum for not wanting to host at home.

stichguru · 10/09/2023 22:43

So your friend has arranged a playdate for her child's birthday, not a party and you are moaning why? You are so entitled!

Anothershitusername · 11/09/2023 06:10

Mariposista · 08/09/2023 14:17

I would never EVER have a party at home. I don't want other peoples' children tearing up my garden, terrorising my pets, breaking and touching my things, and their parents not taking the hint and leaving.
But it's September - so why not have a party in the park if you can't afford a venue. Few games, picnic food. Sounds good!
No, I would be declining the CF invite.

All my 4 dc had parties at home ..we couldn’t afford anything else ..we always went over to the local park for football and a run around ,then home for traditional party games and party food .invited children were well behaved ,considerate and kind to our pets ..parents didn’t over stay their welcome,and some parents helped clear up after ,4 parties a year for 10 years ,and none were like you described

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:18

Why have you bought a few presents for the child, instead of just one?

Maybe she expects you to pay as you’re overly generous?

Maybe just tell her you can’t make the soft play but you will drop off a present for dc.

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:19

stichguru · 10/09/2023 22:43

So your friend has arranged a playdate for her child's birthday, not a party and you are moaning why? You are so entitled!

It’s cheeky to expect presents for a playdate though.